Physical Intimacy, Part 3

Returning to the subject of physical intimacy, I did want to point out that one of the main causes of conflict in this area is selfishness.  It confuses me that some men don't seem to realize that if they make their wife's enjoyment of their physical time together a priority, she will be more likely to want to be intimate in the future.  This seems like such a no-brainer to me (and it might to you), but surprisingly, there are a lot of men out there who don't seem to get it.  Men, be unselfish and patient with your wives.  Try putting her needs and desires ahead of your own.  Women, be unselfish and generous with your husbands.  Be considerate of his desires and feelings. 

Everyone wants to feel wanted.  But no one wants to feel like a physical object.  We all want to feel respected, loved and cherished.  Treat your spouse as you want to be treated.  I have had some female clients complain to me about the way that their partner grabs or gropes them like they are an object.  Our society objectifies women so much, and media is constantly shouting the message that a woman's worth is based on the shape of her body.  Pornography feeds into this line of thinking.  Men who view pornography tend to see women as an object for their gratification instead of as a beautiful human being with feelings who should be respected.  Don't let these mistaken messages seep into your marriage.  Cherish your spouse and treat them with respect. 

One last word of advice--and this is just my opinion, for what it's worth.  Keep the details of your sex life private.  What goes on in your bedroom should not be discussed with friends, or joked about with family.  Respect your spouse and that sacred part of your relationship enough to treat it with the reverence and respect that it deserves.  If you are having problems in that area, discuss your feelings about it with your spouse--not your friends.  If you feel you need outside help, seek help from a trusted professional or church leader.  I found a quote from Spencer W. Kimball that backs up my opinion: "Sometimes mothers will not relinquish the hold they have had upon their children, and husbands as well as wives return to their mothers and fathers to obtain advice and counsel and to confide, whereas cleaving should be to the wife in most things, and all intimacies should be kept in great secrecy and privacy from others."
  
In summary, be unselfish.  Be kind and considerate of your spouse's feelings.  Treat each other with respect, and have enough respect for your relationship to keep the details of your intimacies private. 

Physical Intimacy, Part 2

OK, continuing on with the topic of physical intimacy...  Again, I am not an expert and these are just my observations and opinions, based on a minimal amount of counseling experience.  Another sexual problem I see frequently among my clients is lack of desire.  Many people (usually women), find that their sex drive has dramatically declined, and this is often a cause of conflict between the person and their spouse.  There is a lot that can be said on this topic alone.  First of all, refer back to my previous post, and remember how important it is to communicate about what is going on.  Secondly, look to see if you can find a cause. 
      One common cause for lack of desire is medication.  A decrease in sex drive is a common side effect of many medications.  Check with your doctor or pharmacist to see if this is the case with any meds you might be taking.  If so, see if you can switch to another medication or eliminate that medication.  Obviously your health (including mental health) is a priority, but sometimes we take medication as an "easy way out" when exercise, losing weight, or counseling might help our physical or mental health just as much.  I am not against taking medication--I am just proposing that we be very mindful of all the costs and benefits of the medication.  Many studies have shown that counseling is just as effective as medication in alleviating anxiety and depression.  Many studies have also shown that the most effective treatment for bipolar disorder is medication.  We all know that exercising and eating healthier can lower cholesterol and blood pressure.  The point is, you might need the medication you are taking.  You might not--if you are willing to put in some effort and hard work to make a positive change in your life.  So, if your medication is causing a problem with your sex life, see if you can make a change. 
     Another cause for lack of desire could be hormonal changes that occur in women as they approach menopause.  Check with your doctor about this possibility (and possible treatment) as well.  Another problem I see frequently is that when a woman has been sexually abused, it can come back to wreak havoc on her sex drive and sex life in the future.  Some women think they have moved past the trauma of the abuse, only to have some life event (like childbirth) trigger the resurfacing of the memory and the trauma.  If you have been sexually abused (especially if it was your first sexual experience), it is very normal to have a negative reaction to sex, and to feel a lack of desire.  Counseling can help you to process the trauma that you have experienced, and to understand and control your feelings about physical intimacy with your spouse.  There are many books (and even workbooks) for survivors of abuse that can help the individual work through and understand some of the troubling emotions and reactions they have now as a result of the abuse.  Some women feel frustrated when these feeling resurface--feeling like they have already dealt with this issue.  Be patient with yourself, and realize that some traumas shake us so deeply to the core that one is never completely rid of the effects of that trauma.  But also have hope that you can learn to work through the difficult effects of the trauma, and gain control of your life back.  
      I don't have time to watch TV, but my sister told me that Dr. Oz says that, "sex begets sex."  Meaning, if you aren't physically intimate with your spouse on a regular (frequent) basis, that desire eventually fades and sex becomes less of a priority in your life.  If you are physically intimate on a regular basis, your desire level is maintained and you want to continue being physically intimate on a regular basis.  I'm not a big Dr. Oz fan, but that theory seems to make sense to me.  Some couples seem to get out of the habit of being physically intimate.  But that is a dangerous place to be.  Physical intimacy brings two people closer together.  It is a physical manifestation of their love.  If you and your spouse are not physically intimate on a regular basis, it may be time to make a change.  Many people have reported that as their sex life improved, so did the state of their marriage.  If you are out of the habit, get back into the habit!
     Some women report a lack of desire due to emotional abuse from their spouse.  Again, physical intimacy is very emotional for women, and if they are not feeling safe, desired, and loved, it is difficult for some women to be intimate with their spouse.  Be kind to your spouse.  Be loving and considerate.  Do not insult or demean your spouse.  Treat your spouse the way that you want to be treated. 
     Some general tips for lack of desire:  try to find a cause, be considerate of your spouse's feelings and desires, change things up a little, communicate often, be physically intimate on a regular basis (even if you don't really feel like it), communicate even more, be kind to each other, and don't forget to communicate!

Let's Talk About Physical Intimacy

OK, before I get started on this topic, I want to remind you that I am not a professional.  I am still a student counselor, getting experience counseling through my internship.  I have not had the opportunity to counsel many couples yet.  I am mostly working with individuals.  But with the limited experiences I have had, some common themes about sex seem to keep coming up, so I thought it might be a good idea to address them here.  I won't be able to address them all in one post, so look for another post with this theme soon.  I want this blog to be family friendly, but I also want it to be a real resource for married couples, so I will tread carefully to try to find the right balance of tactfulness and truth.  Also, keep in mind that each individual (and each couple) is unique.  I will be making some generalizations here, and I realize that they do not apply to every individual. 

First of all, let me say that for women, sex is very emotional.  In general, if a woman is not feeling happy or loved, she does not want to by physically intimate with her spouse.  Men, this means that you should not criticize your wife's appearance if you want her to be physically intimate with you.  I don't know of any woman that made a positive change in her life and her body as a direct result of her husband's criticism.  Believe me, she already knows that her body is not perfect.   She does not need you to remind her.  We all want to feel loved, appreciated, and admired.  It does not take a genius to answer this question correctly:  Will your wife be more likely to want to be intimate with you if you tell her she is A) beautiful, sexy, and wonderful; or B) fat, lazy and annoying?  Treat your spouse with love and kindness, and she will feel love and tenderness toward you, and will want to participate in the physical manifestation of that love.

Next, I will tell you that often, when someone complains of a sexual problem in therapy, they are really talking about a communication problem.   I don't know why it is so hard for people to talk to their spouse about sex, but it just is.  Many people talk to their spouse openly about money, jobs, children, in-laws, politics, and many other topics, but when it comes to sex, they clam up.  It surprises me when clients complain about their sex lives, and I ask them if they have discussed this issue with their spouse, most of the time, the answer is no.  It seems to be easier for people to talk to their counselor about sex than it is for them to talk to their partner.  The solution to this problem is obvious, but it may not be easy.  Talk to your spouse about sex. Talk about what is working, what could use some improvement, and how you both are feeling about your sex life.  Timing is important.  Don't try to have this discussion while you are being physically intimate.  Make time to talk when you are alone and both of you are calm.  If you are not used to talking about physical intimacy, maybe you could start by asking your spouse what they like about your sex life, and what they think could improve.  Open, honest communication can do wonders for a relationship.  At first, you may have to schedule a time to talk about sex.  Maybe you could put it on your calendar to remind you to check-in with your spouse on a regular basis. I think you will be surprised at how many problems or misunderstandings can be avoided by frequent, open communication.  If there is room for improvement, remember to use your "I statements" (see previous posts) and to not criticize!  Be loving, sensitive, and respectful in your communication.  

Well, there's a start to the topic of physical intimacy.  I will continue with the same theme in the next post.  If you have specific questions or topics you want me to cover, e-mail me or leave a comment.  Thanks for reading!