Book Review

The first thing I need to say is - I LOVE Cherene's blog!! And I feel honored that she would invite me here as a guest. She knows marriage is one of my favorite topics of interest, discussion & occasional rant. I love learning about what contributes to happy marriages. That might explain why I love reading marriage books, too. One thing I've noticed is that there are a lot of marriage books out there. I know I like hearing from friends if they've read a good book, or if a certain book has what I'm looking for. So I thought it might be fun to share some book reviews. That and I think happy marriages are important, possible and worth the work! 

For Starters:

Title: Teens, Temple Marriage & Eternity

Author: Allan K. Burgess

Publisher: Deseret Book

Year: 1988

How I found it: Christmas Gift

Available on Amazon: Here

Audience: LDS teens and their parents, great for youth leaders, too.

Hardcover, 105 pages

                

This little gem of a book is an easy read. The writing is straightforward and organized into concise chapters with summaries. Burgess draws on experience as a Seminary teacher and counselor, as well as teachings of latter day prophets and general authorities.

I received this as a Christmas gift as a teenager. I think it was the first marriage book I’d ever read. I was 14 and of course, I hadn’t met my future husband and though I wouldn’t be married for years to come, I read the book within a day. What can I say? I’ve been fascinated by marriage for a long time. Time and experience has only increased my interest in, as well as my deep appreciation for, the gift of marriage.

               

From the front flap:

“Why should I get married in the temple?” “What happens when I go to the temple for the first time?” “Why are the covenants made there so important?” . . . Allan K. Burgess, a seminary teacher with considerable experience in counseling teenagers and young adults, answers these questions and puts to rest some of the myths and concerns you may have about the temple. Besides learning how to prepare for your first visit to the temple and what to expect from it, you will also learn the importance of the covenants you make and the rich blessings in store for you if you honor those covenants.”

What I appreciate:

The concept he teaches about the difference between a temple wedding and a celestial marriage. The wedding is an event that takes place during one day and ends. The marriage can last a lifetime and for eternity if it is celestial. It is a process that requires two people motivated to keep their covenants.

        This idea might have been the most beneficial for me to learn as a young woman. Our youth are taught much about planning to marry in the temple, and rightly so, but sometimes the focus can be on the event of the wedding instead of the covenants or the quality of the marriage relationship after the wedding day.

     

Quote from Chapter Two, page 25:

                “Many young people labor and live under false notions, feeling that a marriage contract , and especially if it is a temple marriage, solves all the problems; and many people further think that marriage is a sort of perpetual motion program. Once set in motion by a marriage ceremony, it will never run down. I want to tell you that there are no marriages that can ever be happy ones unless two people work at it.” (The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, ed. Edward L. Kimball [Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1982], p. 307.)

 Quote from Chapter Six, page 60:

                “He helped her kneel at the altar, and then he walked around to the other side of the altar where he knelt across from her. As their eyes met, I noticed tears. . . .  You could both see and feel the joy that they felt at that moment.”

My two cents:

                Great read for teens and their parents.  Keep in mind the book was published before the digital revolution – so no advice regarding the internet, facebook, etc. Also, he discusses temple worthiness and uses a number of real life stories (names changed, of course) that include serious topics-therefore probably best suited for mature teens.

Up Next Week:
           The Five Love Languages/Gary Chapman

Introducing Tamara...

My good friend, Tamara, has agreed to be a guest blogger on my marriage blog.  Tamara has been happily married for almost 20 years, and has three children.  Her hobbies include reading, writing and visiting with friends. She loves nature, baking bread and walking. She is a very talented writer.  Tamara writes poetry and has been working on her first novel, a Christmas romance.  Most importantly, Tamara is the kind of friend everyone wants to have.  She brings out the best in everyone, and always seems to know what you might need to hear.  She is a big believer in happy marriages, and an avid reader of marriage books. I have consulted her many times with ideas for this blog.  Look for a post from Tamara very soon!  You can check out her writing at www.whyigetup.blogspot.com .

Toothpaste advice

Here is some marriage advice from another one of my very wise friends:

"Have separate tubes of toothpaste! :)  That's the marriage advice my husband's grandma gave to me at my bridal shower.  Funny enough, she was right! We started off using the same tube, but evidently he felt I left the cap a little too messy, so I got my own tube from then on, and now there's less contention in our marriage! ha,ha! :)

But really, I think the key to a happy marriage is to be more concerned about the happiness of your spouse than you are your own.  Selfless service is the key!! When you focus your efforts on making your spouse happy, then they in turn want to make YOU happy!"

Marriage Advice

I asked a few of my friends recently if they had any marriage advice they would be willing to share (so that I can share it with you).  I got some really great stuff, and I will be sharing it in the next few posts.  

First, a word about giving advice (from Tamara):  "I think giving marriage advice to most newlyweds is a little like giving an umbrella to a teenager on a sunny morning and saying, 'Take this with you. I know it doesn't look like it, but you really will need this...'"

And another quote from a friend:  "Choose your love. Love your choice." This sums it up for me. I like it because it fits with the idea that love is a verb (most days.) Also to go with it, but less succinctly, "To stay married: act in loving ways even when you do not have loving feelings."

Good stuff, huh?  Thanks to my amazing friends for sharing their wisdom.  Much more to come...

Attitude

Your marital happiness depends largely on your attitude.  If you choose to focus on the negatives and ignore the positives, you will not be happy.  Focus on the positive things.  Simple, right?  Appreciate the good.  Notice and praise the kind, unselfish things your spouse does.  Dwell on the happy times and let hurt feelings fade.  So much of how you feel about your marriage depends on your outlook and your attitude. 

I love this quote from Victor Frankl, who was forced to be a slave laborer at a Nazi Prison Camp.  With all of his rights and freedoms stripped away (and in the very worst circumstances), he realized that he still had access to one freedom...  "Everything can be taken from a man or woman but one thing: the last of human freedoms to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."  That choice of one's attitude is so important in marriage.  Make the right choice.  It seems like a sacrifice at first to overlook your spouse's shortcomings, but in the end, you will be happier and your marriage will be more enjoyable.  So choose to have a good attitude, to love more, to be a little kinder, and to appreciate the good things about your spouse. 

What is Love?

What is love?  The answer can be very different, depending on who you ask.  What is your definition of love?

My definition of love is:  Service, Sacrifice, and Unselfishness.  

I think love is kind, patient, trusting, faithful, enduring, committed, and forgiving. LOVE IS A CHOICE, not something that just happens to you. 

According to the media, love is fun, exciting, romantic, physical, happy, and fleeting.  Love can be all of these things at times, but none of them defines love.  If you buy into this definition of love, can you see how you would have a problem staying committed to a relationship after the newness and romance has worn off? 

Marriage is a life-long (or eternal) commitment.  At times, marriage can be difficult, boring, frustrating, and heartbreaking.  But at other times, love can be joyous, wonderful, calm, and stable.  The important thing is staying committed through the difficult times, so you can enjoy the good times.  Sometimes the horizon looks so bleak that one might think that all the good times are in the past.  That is when service, sacrifice and unselfishness are most important.  Service, sacrifice and unselfishness are a magic formula that can improve any relationship.

When you get married, you are making the choice to love that person forever.  Throughout your marriage, you have to keep making the choice every day to love your spouse.  When your love is running thin, serve your spouse.  Sacrifice for them.  Put them first.  Soon you'll be back on track and feelin' the love.  :) 

Elements of a Successful Marriage

The info presented in this post is taken from an article in Connections Magazine, Summer 2012 issue, titled "The Science Behind Successful Marriage" by Christina Sanders. 

What makes a marriage successful?  A number of contributing factors influence the quality and overall success of your marriage.  Some of the biggies include: Family of Origin, Values, Personality, Communication, and Conflict.

Family of Origin:  What happens to you in your family of origin, and how you interpret relationships based on what happened to you effects your marriage.  Researchers have found that levels of emotional readiness, kindness, and flexibility are higher in those who have higher levels of positive family background. 

Values:  Those who tend to be more focused on the relationship and less on personal success make better marriage partners.

Personality:  Personality traits such as kindness, sociability, calmness, organization, flexibility, maturity, happiness, self-esteem, and religiosity all effect the marriage relationship.  In marriage, kindness and flexibility have been shown to be the two most important personality traits because they are necessary for effective communication and conflict resolution. 

Communication: Skills such as listening, communicating respectfully, and showing empathy and love are very important for a successful marriage. 

Conflict Style:  There are several different ways to handle conflict.  Couples don't necessarily have to have the same conflict style, but there are certain pairings of conflict styles that can present a red flag for a relationship.

Avoidant Style:  I avoid conflict, and feel that problems have a way of working themselves out.
Validating Style: I discuss difficult issues, but I remain calm and let others know that their feelings and opinions are valued, even if they are different from mine.  I look for compromises. 
Volatile Style:  I debate and argue until issues are resolved.  My arguing can be intense, but I balance it with loving expressions.  I believe that arguing strongly is how differences are resolved.
Hostile Style:  I get upset when I argue, and at times insult my spouse using put-downs or sarcasm.  I have difficulty listening to my spouse because I am trying to make my point.  Sometimes I have very negative feelings toward my spouse when we have a conflict.

Research has shown that the best pairings of conflict style are those in which one of the partners is validating.  Having a hostile conflict style is always damaging to a relationship. One pairing that can be particularly problematic is when one partner is volatile and the other is avoidant.  Couples in this situation tend to misinterpret their spouse's actions.

In presenting the information from this article, I want you to think about how your family of origin affects your marriage today.  I want you to evaluate how much you value your relationship over personal success.  I want you to think about what personality traits you naturally possess, and what personality traits you may need to work on cultivating.  I want you to think about how you communicate, and how you handle conflict, and if there is room for improvement, make a change.  If you came from a very troubled family of origin, and you tend to use the hostile conflict style, it doesn't mean you can't have a successful marriage.  It just means that you might have to do some introspection, and make a conscious effort to make a positive change.  The important thing is being willing to change, and being committed to your spouse and to the relationship. 

Forgiving

It's been a while!  Sorry  I have been neglecting this blog lately.  I have recently been thinking about forgiveness, and have really appreciated the following quote.  As I read it again this morning, I thought about how often in our marriages we are faced with the difficult task of forgiving.  I think forgiving is one of the hardest things that we are asked to do in this life.  In marriage, it is essential to be able to forgive your spouse in order to be happy.  Holding on to hurt and anger is like inviting and embracing poison into our hearts.  Nothing good comes from staying angry or holding a grudge.  We think that we are wounding the other person, but really, we are hurting ourselves.  In marriage, you are a partnership.  Never forget that you are on the same team!!  Here's the quote I wanted to share:

 "We are not perfect.  The people around us are not perfect.  People do things that annoy, disappoint, and anger.  In this mortal life it will always be that way. Nevertheless, we must let go of our grievances.  Part of the purpose of mortality is to learn how to let go of such things.  That is the Lord's way.  Remember that heaven is filled with those who have this in common: They are forgiven.  And they forgive.  Lay your burden at the Savior's feet.  Let go of judgement.  Allow Christ's Atonement to change and heal your heart.  Love one another.  Forgive one another."  ~Dieter F. Uchtdorf
 

Trust

Trust is a tricky topic, because there are so many elements that make up trust in a marriage relationship.  There is not necessarily a "right" or "wrong" way handle things when your trust has been violated by your spouse.  There are many factors to consider when deciding how to proceed.  I am definitely not saying that you should always overlook betrayals and continue to trust your spouse after they have hurt you.  I just want to give you some things to think about when your spouse has betrayed your trust.  I'm not just talking about adultery either.  There are many ways that trust can be broken.  Cheating on your spouse is definitely one of them, but other ways that trust is damaged include: lying, viewing pornography, having an inappropriate relationship (even it's "just a friendship"), deceiving your spouse, and more.  If you are the injured party, you may feel that you can no longer trust your spouse.

The first thing you need to decide is if you want to continue the relationship.  If so, you need to ask yourself, "What is my lack of trust costing me?"  Unfortunately, the burden for repairing and restoring the relationship is mostly on you.  I know it's not fair, but that's the way it is.  You get cheated on, and then you have the extremely difficult task of letting go of the anger and mistrust.  Your spouse can (and should) apologize and commit not to repeat the offending behavior, but now the responsibility is yours to get your relationship back on track.  It is so hard to forgive and let go of anger when you have been deeply hurt.  But if you are committed to the relationship, you need to realize that the anger and mistrust are not going to help you feel better, and are not going to help your relationship.  Forgiving your spouse is not "letting him off the hook."  Forgiving your spouse is cleansing yourself of the bitterness and negativity that can poison you and make you continually miserable.  It is really for your own good that you need to forgive.  If you need help, pray for help.  If you don't even have the desire to want to forgive, start there.  Ask the Lord for the desire to want to forgive.  It is extremely hard work, and takes a lot of time, but the peace you'll have is very worth the effort that it takes to forgive.

Once you have forgiven your spouse, the mistrust may still linger.  It is normal to feel insecure after your trust has been broken.  It is healthy and important to communicate these feelings to your spouse.  But the hard part is expressing the insecurity without blame and anger.  Together, you may be able to come up with something that your spouse can do to reassure you and increase your trust.  But keep in mind that trust isn't trust unless there's risk.  In order to trust again, we always have to push past the place where we are comfortable and give our spouse a chance to make a mistake.  The growing edge of trust is always in an uncomfortable place.  Again, allowing the risk is uncomfortable and is hard work, but the peace you can have once you have learned to trust again will be worth it.  Everyone makes mistakes.  I believe every marriage will have some degree of broken trust and hurt at some point.  We are all human, and all make mistakes.  Some people and some relationships are worth enduring hurt, pain, and betrayal (some are not).  Those relationships that are worth the effort will grow stronger as you forgive and learn to trust again.

Next Topic: Trust

I'm gathering my thoughts about Trust, and promise to post them soon.  In the meantime, ponder this quote:   "It is better to suffer wrong than to do it, and happier to be sometimes cheated than not to trust."  ~Samuel Johnson