Great Article

I love, love, love this article titled "3 Things I Wish I Knew Before We Got Married".  Read it.  Now!

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationships/3-things-i-wish-i-knew-we-got-married

Expressing Love

It is very important to your marriage to express love often to your spouse.  This may seem like a no-brainer piece of advice to some of you, but I have noticed that it is a challenge for some couples.  One couple I counseled recently comes to mind.  They were having a difficult time communicating with each other, so I was helping them work on their communication skills.  I asked each to take a turn looking at their spouse and communicating something positive that they liked or appreciated about the other.  Uncomfortable silence followed.  I repeated the instructions, and encouraged the husband to proceed.  He looked at me and said, "I appreciate that she...".  I interrupted and asked him to look at his wife and tell his wife directly.  After another stretch of silence, he looked at his wife and in a sweet and simple sentence expressed his love for her, as well as gratitude for all she did in taking care of their children and the home.  The wife broke down in tears.  This was the first time he had ever looked into her eyes and expressed his heartfelt love for her.  It was a very important milestone in their marriage, and hopefully a turning point in their marriage.

I read an article about a study (by Dr. Terry Orbuch) of divorced people's top regrets , and the #1 thing that divorced people would advise doing differently was showing more affection to their spouse.  This includes compliments, cuddling and kissing, saying "I love you", hand-holding, and emotional support.  Expressing love to your spouse is VERY important to the health and happiness of your marriage.  It builds trust.  It allows your love to grow.  It engenders a feeling of safety.

One very interesting fact in Dr. Orbuch's study was that men seem to need this type of affirmation even more than women do.  In her study, when the husband reported that his wife didn't show love and affection, the couple was more than twice as likely to divorce as when the man said he felt cared for and appreciated.  I have a theory (which isn't backed by any research--just observations), that men who feel emotionally connected, appreciated, and loved are much less likely to cheat on their spouses. 

I challenge you to express some kind of love or appreciation to your spouse every day.  If you aren't used to doing this, you can start small.  A simple, "I love you" or "You're a great parent" is a good start.  If saying the words is challenging, try a loving action, such as a hug or write a little note expressing affection.   If you already express love every day, ramp it up, change it around, or add something extra or different.  If you aren't feeling the love right now, express whatever appreciation or kindness you can.  Even if you are in a tough spot in your marriage where you are feeling hurt or betrayed or angry, you can find something positive to express.  And you'll find that expressing love and appreciation not only benefits your spouse, but also strengthens your love and commitment as well.  It's a win-win!  You both will benefit from the expression, and your marriage relationship will be the ultimate winner from your efforts.

Quotes

A few quotes from the talk "The Home: The School of Life" by Enrique R. Falabella.

"One of my wife’s mottoes has been “In order to contend, you need two people, and I will never be one of them.”

The Lord has clearly described the attributes which should guide our dealings with other people. These are persuasion, long-suffering, gentleness, meekness, and love unfeigned.

The words “I love you,” “Thank you very much,” and “Forgive me” are like a balm for the soul. They transform tears into happiness. They provide comfort to the weighed-down soul, and they confirm the tender feelings of our heart. Just as plants wither with the lack of precious water, our love languishes and dies as we put to rest the words and acts of love."

Lots of wise words.  If you want to read the whole talk, the link is here: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/04/the-home-the-school-of-life?lang=eng

Trials Quote

Our Stake President mentioned this quote a few weeks ago at church, and it has been on my mind ever since:

"Trials are mandatory.  Misery is optional."

I love it, and it speaks for itself so I won't muddy it up by adding a long commentary.  Life is hard.  Marriage can be hard.  But we can still be happy no matter what trials come our way.  Choose happiness!
 

What is it about Mr. Darcy?

I am a huge Jane Austen fan.  Huge.  My favorite book is Pride and Prejudice.  My favorite movie is Pride and Prejudice (the 2005 Kiera Knightly version in case you were wondering).  Like millions of other women all over the world, I love Mr. Darcy.  And yes, I do know that he is a fictional character.  My husband asked me a few days ago (not for the first time either), "What is it about Mr. Darcy?  Is it that he's rich?"  And this time, I put a little more thought into my answer (instead of my usual silly reply about men with British accents wearing breeches).  Here's what I told him:

Every woman wants to be loved.  REALLY, really loved.  Totally adored.  It's not that Mr. Darcy is rich, it's that being rich, he has certain responsibilities to his family and his estate to marry well, and he's willing to put all of that aside because he loves Elizabeth so very much.  He's willing to ignore the ridicule and backlash he receives from his enraged Aunt De Bourgh.  He's willing to sacrifice his pride and go against his family's expectations for him because of his love for Elizabeth.  And that's just the beginning.  When Elizabeth doesn't see his good qualities or appreciate his devotion, she thoroughly rejects his proposal (which I don't think Darcy had even considered was a possibility).  So now, Darcy realizes that he loves Elizabeth, but his love is not returned.  When she rejected him, he could've easily been very angry that he had been willing to sacrifice so much in offering her his hand, and she did not appreciate at all his sacrifice or struggle.  He could've let his pride and anger change his feelings towards Elizabeth to those of contempt and disgust.  (Kind of like Mr. Elton did when Emma rejected him in another Jane Austen classic.)  But instead, Darcy continues to hold on to his love for Elizabeth. 

The next time they meet, I'm sure Elizabeth is expecting a cool, unfriendly greeting, but no.  He loves her still.  He wants her to be happy.  He wants to be around her.  He wants to introduce her to his sister.  Then, when Elizabeth is faced with a family scandal that makes her situation even more unsuitable for Mr. Darcy, he steps up and intervenes to help smooth things out the best he can.  At great personal sacrifice (both of his time and money), he does what he can to assist and make the best of a bad situation--all because he loves Elizabeth and wants her to be happy.  As far as he knows, she despises him still, but his love for her continues despite her lack of feeling towards him.  He loves her enough to sacrifice for her even if she doesn't return his feelings. He loves her enough to change his mind about the suitability of his best friend marrying Elizabeth's sister.  He admits he was wrong, and he does everything he can to remedy the situation and help that couple get together because he knows it will make Elizabeth happy.  He does all these kind things for Elizabeth because he loves her.  No expectations from her.  After doing these kind deeds, he doesn't renew his proposal or expect a change of heart.  Only after Elizabeth scolds his Aunt and refuses to vow that she won't marry Darcy does he begin to hope that her feelings for him might have changed.

So what is it about Mr. Darcy?  It's that he loves Elizabeth so much that he is willing to sacrifice for her.  Even after she rejects him (and falsely accuses him of ruining Mr. Wickam's life), he still loves her so much that he is willing to sacrifice for her and do anything he can just to make her happy.  That is an unselfish love.  That is a pure, adoring, amazing love.  And I think THAT is what every woman wants.  The fact that he's rich is kind of a bonus.  :)

Not a P&P fan?  Edward Cullen in Twilight is much the same.  Men all over the world roll their eyes at their woman's infatuation with this sparkly guy.  They think it's his perfect good looks or his money that make the women swoon, but I think it's much more than that.  Edward loves Bella so much that he is willing to sacrifice for her (being with her requires him to be in constant pain and struggle).  He loves her so much he is willing to sacrifice being with her (by leaving because he believes she'll have a better life without him).   His unselfish love and devotion are the main reasons why most women love Edward.  Again, the fact that he's rich and incredibly good looking are just a bonus.  :)

The bottom line is that we all want to be loved.  We all want someone to be totally, unselfishly devoted to us.  We all want to be completely adored.  So, how do you get that kind of love and devotion?  That is the million dollar question!  I think that you receive that kind of love and devotion when you give that kind of love and devotion.  Your spouse wants to be loved and adored, so love and adore them.  Their most likely response will be to love and adore you back!  Treat your spouse like they are your greatest treasure and you will most likely be treated pretty well yourself.  Then you can have your own Mr. Darcy, and your own happily every after...for real.
(Posted by Cherene)

Divine Design

I love this quote from L. Tom Perry about marriage and family structure.  I like how he emphasizes the importance of husbands and wives being partnerships, and communicating effectively.
 "I believe it is by divine design that the role of motherhood emphasizes the nurturing and teaching of the next generation. But it is wonderful to see husbands and wives who have worked out real partnerships where they blend together their influence and communicate effectively both about their children and to their children."

Translating

As a counselor, I take on many different roles in people's lives.  At different times I'm an educator, a listener, a sounding board, a confidante...the list goes on and on.  But sometimes when I'm working with a couple, I find myself in the interesting role of being a translator.  I'll give you an example from a couple I worked with, but of course I'll change the names and the circumstances.  In the middle of a session where I was trying to teach Jane and John how to communicate when they were having a difference of opinion (we talked about taking time-outs, using "I" statements, re-stating what the other had just said), John got a phone call which he stepped out of the room to take.  He spoke with the person on the phone for two minutes, and then re-joined the session.  I could tell Jane was really frustrated with John, so I told them that this would be a great way to practice the skills we were just talking about.  So I asked Jane to express her frustration to John.

What happened next was very interesting.  I watched Jane and John argue about whether or not it was rude or appropriate for him to take a call during the session, and I realized that underneath the surface argument, there was a lot of emotional stuff going on that neither Jane nor John realized.  With a little pause and reflection, Jane was able to realize what was going on emotionally for her, and why she had such a strong reaction to a small interruption.  The argument wasn't really about whether or not it was rude to answer a phone call in the middle of a session.  The argument was really about Jane feeling like John was  not making her or their relationship a priority.  Light-bulb moment for both of them!!  As John struggled to find the right words to reassure Jane, what came out of his mouth actually sounded to Jane like he was throwing something from her past into her face.  John was well-meaning, but in her raw emotional state, Jane heard the words but missed the emotional content behind them.  Again, I was able to search for the emotional message behind John's misguided attempt to reassure Jane, and once Jane let down her wall of defensiveness and anger, she was able to see that John's words were meant to express love and commitment.  I joked with them that I was their translator, but later I thought a lot about the words we say and how often they do not reflect accurately what we are feeling at the time.

I've mentioned before that anger is not a primary emotion.  When we get angry, there is usually some underlying primary emotion such as fear or hurt.  Unfortunately, most of the time we don't have a translator present to help us to understand and restate what we are really feeling.  The next time you feel angry with your spouse, pause and think about what the feeling is behind the anger.   What are you really feeling?  It's much easier to be angry than to be hurt.  It's easier to tell someone that they are rude and inconsiderate than to tell them that you felt hurt and abandoned by their actions.  But you can argue for hours about some surface issue that really has no meaning, and never get anywhere because the real issue (the emotional content) is not apparent to either of you.  Instead of wasting time arguing about answering the phone call (or leaving the toothpaste cap off, or doing the dishes, or spending time with friends, or whatever the surface issue is), take some time to figure out what is going on emotionally.  Why are you really upset?  Then instead of talking about the surface issue, talk about how you really feel.  Talk about why you are feeling the way you are feeling.  And then listen.  Really listen.  Not just to the words your spouse is saying, but listen for the emotional content behind those words.  I hate to generalize, but men usually aren't the best at communicating feelings.  It is really hard for a lot of men to talk about their feelings.  So be prepared to be a translator.  Figuring out and accurately expressing your own feelings, and then figuring out what your spouse is really trying to express can be challenging, but I think it can take your disagreements and your relationship to a whole new level of understanding.  And that's a good thing!
Posted by Cherene

The Greatest Joy

"The joining together of a man and a woman to be legally and lawfully wed not only is preparation for future generations to inherit the earth, but it also brings the greatest joy and satisfaction that can be found in this mortal experience."   ~ L. Tom Perry

3 months later

I haven't posted anything in three months!  I started working part-time as a counselor (just a few hours a week), and I am not doing much couples or marriage work, so my focus has been elsewhere.  I would really like to get back to posting on a regular basis, because it definitely helps my marriage when I post because I am consciously thinking about the importance of marriage and how I can improve my marriage.  So, to get back into the swing of things, I'm going to just keep it simple today and post some marriage advice that my sister-in-law shared with me:

"Don't nickel-and-dime chores.  Don't strive for a relationship that

is 50-50.  Give 150%, strive to give everything you can."

I love her quote, because I think we all get caught up in worrying about what's "fair" too often.  When you are willing to sacrifice and serve your spouse, your love for them grows, and your marriage ends up being so much happier.  When you are constantly keeping score, it is easy to feel like your spouse owes you, and you end up feeling bitter and resentful.  Freely give, and you'll be happier! 
Posted by Cherene

A Duet

I just love this cute quote by Bruce C. Hafen:

"In the little kingdom of a family, each spouse freely gives something the other does not have and without which neither can be complete and return to God's presence.  Spouses are not a soloist with an accompanist, nor are they two solos.  They are the interdependent parts of a duet, singing together in harmony at a level where no solo can go."