I just have a few more thoughts about anger. First let's look at one of the reasons why we choose to become angry. One reason is because we are imposing our value system onto someone else. We all have an internal moral compass that guides our actions and choices. Each person's moral compass is unique to them. Even within a group that supposedly shares moral guidelines (like a church), if you ask each member about the 'rightness' or 'wrongness' about a handful of issues, you're likely to get a lot of different answers (some examples within the LDS church might include: watching PG-13 movies, watching sports on Sunday, drinking caffeine, how much to donate for fast offerings...the list goes on and on). What you think is right or wrong is personal to you. Don't try to export your value system onto someone else. When you and your spouse have differing moral compasses, it makes life a little more challenging. If you find yourself feeling angry because your spouse isn't "supposed to" to XYZ, think about the fact that your spouse has a different moral compass than you, and you might be placing unfair expectations onto them. Maybe it's time to have a conversation about your different viewpoints or different expectations. Compromise is important, as is your attitude. Feeling (and acting) self-righteously will not help the situation. Of course I'm not saying that if your wife wants to go out and rob a bank, you should support that because her value system is different from yours. I'm suggesting that if you find yourself choosing to get angry and saying to yourself, "My spouse should be doing ___, or shouldn't be doing ____" then it is time to stop and think about why you have those expectations, and to have a conversation with your spouse about your feelings.
A different way to think about anger is to think about power dynamics. Everyone wants to have power. Little kids call each other names on the playground because it gives them a sense of power over someone else. Do you ever find yourself doing or saying something because you know it's going to get under someone else's skin? It's about power! When you push your spouse's buttons and they get angry, you feel a certain sense of power over them, right? And when you choose to get angry, you are giving some of your power away to someone else. Think about this: If you get angry every time your spouse does (or says) X (fill in the blank with your own personal pet peeve), you might think the easiest way for you not to get angry is for your spouse not to do X. BUT, you can be happy even if your spouse does X. You have the power to not get angry when your spouse does X!! The easiest way for you not to get angry is for you to choose not to get angry when your spouse does X. You cannot control anyone else. You cannot control what they say or do. You CAN control your reaction to anyone or anything. You have the power. By choosing not to get angry, you are keeping your power (or taking it back). The next time you feel yourself feeling angry, think about the power you're about to give to someone else. Decide to keep your power, and choose not to get angry. Your happiness is not dependent on anyone else doing (or not doing) anything. You have the power to choose to be happy no matter what the circumstances are. It's empowering to know that you are in control of your anger and your power. Keeping your anger under control keeps your power safe with you, and keeps your marriage a happier place to be.
