Some Parenting Basics

I have been doing mostly family counseling lately, and have noticed a disturbing trend.  Many of the families I have been working with do not have family rules or consistent consequences.  Many families do not have any type of chore chart or any expectations for their children to help out with cleaning or maintaining the house.  A lot of parents seem to feel that in order to be "nice" or "good" parents, they don't want to burden their children with rules or chores.  Many parents seem to be afraid to administer any type of consequence or punishment.  The result of this type of parenting is children who are lazy, unwilling to work hard at anything, and who feel that they are above any type of rules or discipline system.  These children often have trouble in school, and often have a low sense of self-esteem. 

I think a lot of parents think that in order for their children to feel good about themselves, the children need to be praised constantly, and treated like royalty.  In reality, children develop a healthy sense of self esteem when they have consistent rules and expectations spelled out for them, and consistent consequences that stem from their actions.  Children need to feel loved and secure in their attachments, but children do NOT need to feel that they are the best at everything they do.  In fact, children need to be allowed to lose games, to fail at new efforts, and to know that rewards come from hard work, not from just being you. 

It is fine to praise your child when they do something well, but it is most effective if you praise the effort they put into that accomplishment, instead of just praising the child.  For example, if you child brings home a good report card, it is much better to say, "I'm so proud of the effort you put into school in order to get these good grades," than to say, "You're so smart!"  Many studies have shown that children who are told how smart they are become easily frustrated and discouraged when they have a difficult time learning something new.  Children who are praised for their hard work and their effort at learning, tend to tackle new challenges with more confidence and tend to finish challenging tasks more frequently. 

If you want your children to feel secure and happy, tell them you love them, make yourself available to them, and spend quality time with them.   ALSO, come up with some family rules.  Have your children help you determine what the family rules should be.  Write them down and put them in a place where everyone can see them.  Come up with consequences for when the rules are not followed (again, with input from the children).  Consistently follow through with the consequences.  Children need clear expectations and consistent discipline in order to feel secure and happy.  I would not recommend any type of physical punishments.  Spanking does not help, and it ends up teaching the child it is OK to hit someone when you are frustrated or angry.  Punishments that work well include time-out (especially for younger children), and removal of privileges. 

If children know what the rules are and what the consequences are, they are choosing their own consequences.  It takes away a lot of the frustration and emotional outbursts when you can calmly say, "Son, it looks like you forgot to pick up your toys after you finished playing with them.  Remember we decided that was a family rule, and if you don't do it, you can't play with those toys again for a whole day?  So please pick up the toys and hand them to me, and I'll give them back when the time frame is up.  I know it's sad when you can't play with your favorite toys, so make sure to make a better choice next time."  Or, with older kids, it goes more like this: "Hi son, I'm glad you're home safe.  I was worried about you because you got home past your curfew.  Do you remember what the consequence is for coming home late? ....That's right, you will have to be home early the next two times you go out.  I understand that you feel frustrated right now, but remember that you helped create that rule and the consequence, and hopefully this will help you choose to be home on time in the future." 

Giving children regular chores to do helps them in many ways.  It helps them to appreciate the value of work.  It teaches them skills they will need to keep their own homes clean someday.  It helps them appreciate all that you, as parents, do for them.  And doing work helps children to feel productive and valued at home.  It is best if you come up with some type of chart, where each child's daily or weekly chore is clearly spelled out for them.  If you just wait until the sink is full of dirty dishes, and then ask a child to help, they are likely to complain and refuse.  If they know in advance that they are responsible for doing the dishes all week, it is much easier to get them to comply.  Especially if you have the children help you design the chore chart, and decide what tasks need to be done daily and weekly. 

Why am I posting parenting advice on my marriage blog?  If you are married with children, you know that children are wonderful, and bring so much joy to a family, but they also are challenging, and are often the cause of stress and worry.  Your parenting style and parenting skills will definitely impact the quality of your marriage.  If you and your spouse are united in your expectations and in the way you handle misbehavior, it will make your marriage (and your home) much more peaceful. 

Parenting Issues

     I was recently approached by a woman who said she was afraid that her marriage was not going to survive because she and her husband fought constantly about parenting their children.  Her husband had been abused as a child, and was very afraid of any strict punishments.  She felt that her husband's leniency with their daughter was the cause of her daughter's behavior problems and rebellious attitude.  This poor woman and her husband argued constantly over how to discipline their daughter, and it was tearing them apart.  Unfortunately, it is all too common for parenting issues to cause marital problems.
     My answer to her (besides suggesting family counseling) was that you can parent with firm limits, expectations and consequences without yelling, spanking, or any other harsh punishments.  Instead of fighting each other, this couple needs to learn how to parent effectively, agree on rules and consequences (with their daughter), and firmly enforce those rules.  I highly recommended the "Love and Logic" books by Jim Fay, and if possible, a "Love and Logic" workshop can really help too.  I was able to attend a free "Love and Logic" class at my children's elementary school a few years ago.  I know the community agency where I interned offered the class free to their clients as well.  I'm not sure of the expense if you have to pay for the class, but it might be worth the investment!  If you don't have the funds to spare, check the book out from the library for free and give it a read.  Same ideas--you just have to put in the effort to read it yourself. 
     The basis behind these books and classes is that as parents, you need to agree on rules and consequences.  Then make those rules and consequences clear to your children.  Then enforce those rules and consequences without raising your voice, spanking, or threatening.  It works like magic, but it takes a little time, effort, and practice.  You have to decide ahead of time what the rules are and what the consequences are.  When you practice "reactive parenting" (just reacting to whatever comes up), you are much more likely to lose control, get angry, yell, threaten, and dole out unfair punishments.  Planning ahead helps you to respond calmly to the situation, and to enforce a punishment that makes sense and hopefully is somehow related to the broken rule.  Plus, when you plan ahead, you and your spouse have a chance to discuss what rules you think are most important, and what consequences you think are fair.  If you wait until your child misbehaves, then fly off the handle and dish out a harsh punishment, there is much more room for discord in the marriage than if you sit down together calmly and discuss how you want your household to run, and how to make that happen.
     Parenting is so, so hard!!  Just when you think you have it figured out, your child changes, or another child starts acting up.  It is so hard to know what to do, or how to react (especially with teenagers).  It is very normal to feel confused and frustrated about parenting.   But try to remember that you and your spouse are a team!!  You are working together towards the common goal of raising healthy, happy, responsible children.  If you feel like your family is falling apart, seek professional help.  Marriage or family counseling can be a really helpful way to gain a clear perspective on how your family is functioning, and what you can do to help it function better.  As difficult as parenting is when you and your spouse are in agreement, it is so much harder when you are not getting along.
     "The quality of of our parenting is limited by the quality of our marriage relationship.  It is difficult to deal lovingly with our children when there is anger or resentment between Mom and Dad.  Negative (and positive) emotions spill over into parenting decisions, clouding and magnifying any problems we have." ~Kevin Hinckley (from "Parenting the Strong-Willed Child")  Be patient with each other.  Communicate often about both the joys and challenges of parenting.  Let love guide your actions, and remember to enjoy the ride!
(Posted by Cherene)