I am in LOVE!

One of my sweet friends responded to my plea for marriage advice with the following inspiring story from her life..

"The best marriage advice I ever received was from a wise elderly man, when I was newly married. I had only been married about a year or so and was learning to live with my new roommate/ spouse. I found myself easily irritated at him for small simple things and frustrated at times. One day when I was visiting with this elderly man, I asked, 'How is your wife?' and he responded, 'She is an angel on the earth, we have been married for 67 years, and I am in LOVE.' He had a  twinkle in his eye, and I knew he really was in love. This put me into a state of shock. I couldn’t believe what I had just heard. Really?  A man in his eighties that was still happy and in love?  I had never met anyone who really loved their wife and was truly happy and so quick to speak such loving words about his spouse. I couldn’t process that this fairy tale response could be real. But no, he really meant what he said, and because of his countenance I believed him. It was a pivotal moment in my life.  I thought to myself, 'If that kind of happiness and love is possible for him, it can be possible for me too.'

I pondered many days, weeks and even month on this simple yet profound phrase.  It kept resurfacing in my mind. 'My wife is an angel on the earth and I love her'.   I stewed over it, I pondered it, I could not let it go.   The memory of his voice still rings so vividly in my mind. I asked myself, 'What is so special about this woman? What could she possibly have done to make this man so happy?' I had no clue.

I wanted to know, how could I become this woman? How could my husband become this man? How could we become so happy like this couple was?  When asked,  I secretly wished my husband would say something so wonderful as to exalt me to that seraphic status.   Then I thought to myself, 'Are my actions angelic?'

At that very moment, I decided I would try to start looking for the cherubic qualities in my husband. And I would try to only see the wonderful things he did for me. I had to look for the kind words and gestures he said and did.   As I did this,  I realized the wonderful good things he did for me were there all along.

You see, I was too blind to see them. I felt so petty and sad at how shallow I had been. The problem had never really been him at all, but rather me and my inability to see his angelic qualities. I also realized, I hadn’t been the most cherubic wife in the world and that I needed to make some changes.

With much practice and focusing on kind words and deeds,  and watching for opportunities of praise, and love,  we have certainly had time to change, to grow, and to learn.  And now when anyone asks, how is your husband? I can honestly say, 'He is an Angel on the earth and I am in LOVE' as my heart pounds and my mind flutters, I am in love and always will be."

Good Advice

 I love the following gems of advice that another friend shared with me: 

" ~Don't meet your partner half way, give 100%.  

  ~People say, 'pick your battles,' I say, 'why battle at all?'

   ~Be more concerned about your partner's feelings than being right."

Book Review

The first thing I need to say is - I LOVE Cherene's blog!! And I feel honored that she would invite me here as a guest. She knows marriage is one of my favorite topics of interest, discussion & occasional rant. I love learning about what contributes to happy marriages. That might explain why I love reading marriage books, too. One thing I've noticed is that there are a lot of marriage books out there. I know I like hearing from friends if they've read a good book, or if a certain book has what I'm looking for. So I thought it might be fun to share some book reviews. That and I think happy marriages are important, possible and worth the work! 

For Starters:

Title: Teens, Temple Marriage & Eternity

Author: Allan K. Burgess

Publisher: Deseret Book

Year: 1988

How I found it: Christmas Gift

Available on Amazon: Here

Audience: LDS teens and their parents, great for youth leaders, too.

Hardcover, 105 pages

                

This little gem of a book is an easy read. The writing is straightforward and organized into concise chapters with summaries. Burgess draws on experience as a Seminary teacher and counselor, as well as teachings of latter day prophets and general authorities.

I received this as a Christmas gift as a teenager. I think it was the first marriage book I’d ever read. I was 14 and of course, I hadn’t met my future husband and though I wouldn’t be married for years to come, I read the book within a day. What can I say? I’ve been fascinated by marriage for a long time. Time and experience has only increased my interest in, as well as my deep appreciation for, the gift of marriage.

               

From the front flap:

“Why should I get married in the temple?” “What happens when I go to the temple for the first time?” “Why are the covenants made there so important?” . . . Allan K. Burgess, a seminary teacher with considerable experience in counseling teenagers and young adults, answers these questions and puts to rest some of the myths and concerns you may have about the temple. Besides learning how to prepare for your first visit to the temple and what to expect from it, you will also learn the importance of the covenants you make and the rich blessings in store for you if you honor those covenants.”

What I appreciate:

The concept he teaches about the difference between a temple wedding and a celestial marriage. The wedding is an event that takes place during one day and ends. The marriage can last a lifetime and for eternity if it is celestial. It is a process that requires two people motivated to keep their covenants.

        This idea might have been the most beneficial for me to learn as a young woman. Our youth are taught much about planning to marry in the temple, and rightly so, but sometimes the focus can be on the event of the wedding instead of the covenants or the quality of the marriage relationship after the wedding day.

     

Quote from Chapter Two, page 25:

                “Many young people labor and live under false notions, feeling that a marriage contract , and especially if it is a temple marriage, solves all the problems; and many people further think that marriage is a sort of perpetual motion program. Once set in motion by a marriage ceremony, it will never run down. I want to tell you that there are no marriages that can ever be happy ones unless two people work at it.” (The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, ed. Edward L. Kimball [Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1982], p. 307.)

 Quote from Chapter Six, page 60:

                “He helped her kneel at the altar, and then he walked around to the other side of the altar where he knelt across from her. As their eyes met, I noticed tears. . . .  You could both see and feel the joy that they felt at that moment.”

My two cents:

                Great read for teens and their parents.  Keep in mind the book was published before the digital revolution – so no advice regarding the internet, facebook, etc. Also, he discusses temple worthiness and uses a number of real life stories (names changed, of course) that include serious topics-therefore probably best suited for mature teens.

Up Next Week:
           The Five Love Languages/Gary Chapman

Introducing Tamara...

My good friend, Tamara, has agreed to be a guest blogger on my marriage blog.  Tamara has been happily married for almost 20 years, and has three children.  Her hobbies include reading, writing and visiting with friends. She loves nature, baking bread and walking. She is a very talented writer.  Tamara writes poetry and has been working on her first novel, a Christmas romance.  Most importantly, Tamara is the kind of friend everyone wants to have.  She brings out the best in everyone, and always seems to know what you might need to hear.  She is a big believer in happy marriages, and an avid reader of marriage books. I have consulted her many times with ideas for this blog.  Look for a post from Tamara very soon!  You can check out her writing at www.whyigetup.blogspot.com .

Toothpaste advice

Here is some marriage advice from another one of my very wise friends:

"Have separate tubes of toothpaste! :)  That's the marriage advice my husband's grandma gave to me at my bridal shower.  Funny enough, she was right! We started off using the same tube, but evidently he felt I left the cap a little too messy, so I got my own tube from then on, and now there's less contention in our marriage! ha,ha! :)

But really, I think the key to a happy marriage is to be more concerned about the happiness of your spouse than you are your own.  Selfless service is the key!! When you focus your efforts on making your spouse happy, then they in turn want to make YOU happy!"

Marriage Advice

I asked a few of my friends recently if they had any marriage advice they would be willing to share (so that I can share it with you).  I got some really great stuff, and I will be sharing it in the next few posts.  

First, a word about giving advice (from Tamara):  "I think giving marriage advice to most newlyweds is a little like giving an umbrella to a teenager on a sunny morning and saying, 'Take this with you. I know it doesn't look like it, but you really will need this...'"

And another quote from a friend:  "Choose your love. Love your choice." This sums it up for me. I like it because it fits with the idea that love is a verb (most days.) Also to go with it, but less succinctly, "To stay married: act in loving ways even when you do not have loving feelings."

Good stuff, huh?  Thanks to my amazing friends for sharing their wisdom.  Much more to come...

Attitude

Your marital happiness depends largely on your attitude.  If you choose to focus on the negatives and ignore the positives, you will not be happy.  Focus on the positive things.  Simple, right?  Appreciate the good.  Notice and praise the kind, unselfish things your spouse does.  Dwell on the happy times and let hurt feelings fade.  So much of how you feel about your marriage depends on your outlook and your attitude. 

I love this quote from Victor Frankl, who was forced to be a slave laborer at a Nazi Prison Camp.  With all of his rights and freedoms stripped away (and in the very worst circumstances), he realized that he still had access to one freedom...  "Everything can be taken from a man or woman but one thing: the last of human freedoms to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."  That choice of one's attitude is so important in marriage.  Make the right choice.  It seems like a sacrifice at first to overlook your spouse's shortcomings, but in the end, you will be happier and your marriage will be more enjoyable.  So choose to have a good attitude, to love more, to be a little kinder, and to appreciate the good things about your spouse. 

What is Love?

What is love?  The answer can be very different, depending on who you ask.  What is your definition of love?

My definition of love is:  Service, Sacrifice, and Unselfishness.  

I think love is kind, patient, trusting, faithful, enduring, committed, and forgiving. LOVE IS A CHOICE, not something that just happens to you. 

According to the media, love is fun, exciting, romantic, physical, happy, and fleeting.  Love can be all of these things at times, but none of them defines love.  If you buy into this definition of love, can you see how you would have a problem staying committed to a relationship after the newness and romance has worn off? 

Marriage is a life-long (or eternal) commitment.  At times, marriage can be difficult, boring, frustrating, and heartbreaking.  But at other times, love can be joyous, wonderful, calm, and stable.  The important thing is staying committed through the difficult times, so you can enjoy the good times.  Sometimes the horizon looks so bleak that one might think that all the good times are in the past.  That is when service, sacrifice and unselfishness are most important.  Service, sacrifice and unselfishness are a magic formula that can improve any relationship.

When you get married, you are making the choice to love that person forever.  Throughout your marriage, you have to keep making the choice every day to love your spouse.  When your love is running thin, serve your spouse.  Sacrifice for them.  Put them first.  Soon you'll be back on track and feelin' the love.  :)