Parenting Issues

     I was recently approached by a woman who said she was afraid that her marriage was not going to survive because she and her husband fought constantly about parenting their children.  Her husband had been abused as a child, and was very afraid of any strict punishments.  She felt that her husband's leniency with their daughter was the cause of her daughter's behavior problems and rebellious attitude.  This poor woman and her husband argued constantly over how to discipline their daughter, and it was tearing them apart.  Unfortunately, it is all too common for parenting issues to cause marital problems.
     My answer to her (besides suggesting family counseling) was that you can parent with firm limits, expectations and consequences without yelling, spanking, or any other harsh punishments.  Instead of fighting each other, this couple needs to learn how to parent effectively, agree on rules and consequences (with their daughter), and firmly enforce those rules.  I highly recommended the "Love and Logic" books by Jim Fay, and if possible, a "Love and Logic" workshop can really help too.  I was able to attend a free "Love and Logic" class at my children's elementary school a few years ago.  I know the community agency where I interned offered the class free to their clients as well.  I'm not sure of the expense if you have to pay for the class, but it might be worth the investment!  If you don't have the funds to spare, check the book out from the library for free and give it a read.  Same ideas--you just have to put in the effort to read it yourself. 
     The basis behind these books and classes is that as parents, you need to agree on rules and consequences.  Then make those rules and consequences clear to your children.  Then enforce those rules and consequences without raising your voice, spanking, or threatening.  It works like magic, but it takes a little time, effort, and practice.  You have to decide ahead of time what the rules are and what the consequences are.  When you practice "reactive parenting" (just reacting to whatever comes up), you are much more likely to lose control, get angry, yell, threaten, and dole out unfair punishments.  Planning ahead helps you to respond calmly to the situation, and to enforce a punishment that makes sense and hopefully is somehow related to the broken rule.  Plus, when you plan ahead, you and your spouse have a chance to discuss what rules you think are most important, and what consequences you think are fair.  If you wait until your child misbehaves, then fly off the handle and dish out a harsh punishment, there is much more room for discord in the marriage than if you sit down together calmly and discuss how you want your household to run, and how to make that happen.
     Parenting is so, so hard!!  Just when you think you have it figured out, your child changes, or another child starts acting up.  It is so hard to know what to do, or how to react (especially with teenagers).  It is very normal to feel confused and frustrated about parenting.   But try to remember that you and your spouse are a team!!  You are working together towards the common goal of raising healthy, happy, responsible children.  If you feel like your family is falling apart, seek professional help.  Marriage or family counseling can be a really helpful way to gain a clear perspective on how your family is functioning, and what you can do to help it function better.  As difficult as parenting is when you and your spouse are in agreement, it is so much harder when you are not getting along.
     "The quality of of our parenting is limited by the quality of our marriage relationship.  It is difficult to deal lovingly with our children when there is anger or resentment between Mom and Dad.  Negative (and positive) emotions spill over into parenting decisions, clouding and magnifying any problems we have." ~Kevin Hinckley (from "Parenting the Strong-Willed Child")  Be patient with each other.  Communicate often about both the joys and challenges of parenting.  Let love guide your actions, and remember to enjoy the ride!
(Posted by Cherene)
    

Book Review - The Five Love Languages

Have you read this book? As a New York Times Bestseller, chances are you have. Or you've at least heard about it. Sometimes when a book has been around for awhile and gotten lots of recognition, some of what makes it great gets lost in the hype. That's one of the reasons I enjoyed re-reading it for this review. Another reason I enjoyed it is because in the sea of marriage-advice books, this one is like a lighthouse that can guide a couple to less rocky shores. Of course, no one book is a 'cure-all' but this one has my endorsement as a worthwhile read.

If you want to know what love language you speak, take the online test without the book here : www.fivelovelanguages.com

The Visual Aid:

The Five Love Languages

Title: The Five Love Languages
Author: Gary Chapman

Publisher: Northfield Publishing

Year: 1992

How I found it: Heard about it from a friend.

Available on Amazon - Click on title link above

Audience: Married Couples (of course it has application for pre-married, post-married folks, too.)

Paperback, 191 pages

                

      "WARNING: Understanding the five love languages and learning to speak the primary love language of your spouse may radically affect his or her behavior. People behave differently when their emotional love tank is full." p.24

      

Book Description:

"Marriage should be based on love, right? But does it seem as though you and your spouse are speaking two different languages? New York Times bestselling author Dr. Gary Chapman guides couples in identifying, understanding, and speaking their spouse’s primary love language—quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, or physical touch.

By learning the five love languages, you and your spouse will discover your unique love languages and learn practical steps in truly loving each other. Chapters are categorized by love language for easy reference, and each one ends with specific, simple steps to express a specific language to your spouse and guide your marriage in the right direction. A newly designed love languages assessment will help you understand and strengthen your relationship. You can build a lasting, loving marriage together."

The Gist & What I appreciate:

We all have a primary love language (one of five). We need to learn our spouse's language and choose to speak it--if we want to 'keep the love alive.' Those five languages are: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, Physical Touch.

Gary Chapman speaks from years of research and practical experience. He distills this into easily digestible chapters that have direct application to everyday married life. I appreciate the concept that we learn and speak a love language and that we can't assume everyone 'speaks' as we do.
This takes some of the mystery, and exasperation, out of a relationship and replaces it with a satisfying, efficient way to show love.

     

Quote from Chapter Three, page 37:

                "Where are the shooting stars, the balloons, the deep emotions? What about the spirit of anticipation, the twinkle in the eye, the electricity of a kiss, the excitement of --x? What about the emotional security of knowing that I am number one in his/her mind" That is what this book is all about. How do we meet each other's deep, emotional need to feel loved? If we can learn that and choose to do it, then the love we share will be exciting beyond anything we ever felt when we were infatuated."

 Quote from Chapter Ten, page 181:

               "Love is a choice. And either partner can start the process today.

My two cents:

                What else can I say? READ the book! 

               Okay, maybe to add that I vote for a "Marriage Language Training Center" where husbands and wives can enroll in multi-language courses. I know we have a primary love language, but I can't help thinking that the more love languages we speak, the more fun and variety there is in a relationship!

                I've also wondered if we have differing love language needs over the course of years, or if we can be shaped by different relationships?

Up Next:
           Strangling Your Husband Is NOT an Option/Merrilee Boyack

( Dear FTC, because I know you care, I bough the book all by myself. )

(posted by Tamara)

Keeping Score?

I'm still working on my next marriage book review. In the meantime, enjoy this blog post by Dr. Karl A. Pillemer, Ph.D.

According to his research, if we plan to stay married for a lot of years (as in all of them), we need to throw out the scorecard! I couldn't agree more.

If you take the time to read his article, please tell me what you think.

"For long-term success, couples have to orient themselves to giving more than they get. Both individuals are contributing to a relationship, the benefits of which transcend immediate interests on a given day. What couples must avoid -- if they wish to remain together as long as the elders we interviewed -- is keeping score about who is getting more and who is getting less. This kind of economic attitude works with a vending machine: If I put in my dollar, I will get a candy bar of equal value. According to the oldest Americans, this definitely does not work in marriage."  (emphasis added)

50/50 Marriage Myth

(posted by Tamara)

Kindness

Yesterday I was reading "Daughters In My Kingdom" and came across these bits of marriage advice from Joseph Smith.

For the ladies (about their husbands) "...treat them with mildness and affection.  When a man is borne down with trouble--when he is perplexed, if he can meet a smile, not an argument--if he can meet with mildness, it will calm down his soul and soothe his feelings.  When the mind is going to despair, it needs a solace...When you go home never give a cross word, but let kindness, charity and love, crown your works."  

For the men, a husband's duty is to "love, cherish, and nourish his wife" and "regard her feelings with tenderness."  

Simple kindness goes a long way.  These quotes remind me to think less about what is fair, and think more about how I can love, uplift, and encourage my spouse.  As we serve and sacrifice, our love grows, and we become happier.

Committed to the Marriage

I really love this marriage advice that friend of mine shared: 

"Remember to be committed to the marriage not the man.  People make
mistakes and sometimes if we are committed to the person we are
married to it causes us to just want to quit.  If we are committed to
the marriage we will work harder to get over problems and make the
marriage work.  I was given this advice by a Relief Society President
who happened to also be my visiting teacher and it has helped me over
some very hard times.  I was more willing to forgive and get over it
and I am so happy that I have."

Support Each Other

Another friend of mine shared a recent experience she has had in her marriage.  This was in response to my asking for marriage advice.  I think the main thing that is so important in her message is that we need to turn to each other for advice and support, and trust each other.  Some things are hard to talk about without one person feeling defensive or attacked.  But trust me, it is always better to talk through an uncomfortable topic than to ignore it, or talk about it with others (friends and family).   So here is my friend's experience: 

"My husband & I have recently been discussing what direction to take as far as moving & a career go. Should we move? Should he just find a different job? Should he go to school?  Should I work? ETC.   It has definitely gotten a little depressing watching him go thru this struggle. He has been feeling like he's not good enough or supporting our family to the best of his ability. (His current job is based on commission & he doesn't much consider himself a salesman so he wasn't making the income we needed in our home.) My husband is a stubborn man & often times it's hard to tell him my true concerns for things without wording it just the right way.  Sometimes it's just not what he wants to hear.  With that being said, he would constantly ask me what I thought he needed to do about the whole situation & I never felt like the answer I was giving him was good enough for him (or he would stop asking, right?!) I found myself asking other family members for their advice; what they thought we should do, instead of following my husband’s guidance.  Our marriage became a wreck. I wasn't helping him make the right decisions. I wasn't supporting him. I was trying to make it about me.  Well to solve that we went to the temple with a few questions in mind hoping for some answers.  When our session was over & we met up to talk he asked me if my questions were answered. The answer I received over & over again: SUPPORT YOUR HUSBAND IN WHICHEVER CHOICE HE MAKES!

That was definitely a little hard for me to hear because I like to have some control over our lives too :) But it was so true!  I truly believe that we need to support our husbands & let them be the leaders in our home.  Especially because they are the priesthood holders.  Since I have taken that in to my heart & followed his leadership our home has definitely been a more easy-going & happy home.  We still have not had much success in our endeavor, but I have seen his confidence brighten & our marriage become a more peaceful one! Not knowing which direction our lives are going to head is hard.  But, being at peace that my husband will lead us in the right direction has helped me to reassure him that he is doing well in his choices & helps me have better trust in our marriage."