Trust

Trust is a tricky topic, because there are so many elements that make up trust in a marriage relationship.  There is not necessarily a "right" or "wrong" way handle things when your trust has been violated by your spouse.  There are many factors to consider when deciding how to proceed.  I am definitely not saying that you should always overlook betrayals and continue to trust your spouse after they have hurt you.  I just want to give you some things to think about when your spouse has betrayed your trust.  I'm not just talking about adultery either.  There are many ways that trust can be broken.  Cheating on your spouse is definitely one of them, but other ways that trust is damaged include: lying, viewing pornography, having an inappropriate relationship (even it's "just a friendship"), deceiving your spouse, and more.  If you are the injured party, you may feel that you can no longer trust your spouse.

The first thing you need to decide is if you want to continue the relationship.  If so, you need to ask yourself, "What is my lack of trust costing me?"  Unfortunately, the burden for repairing and restoring the relationship is mostly on you.  I know it's not fair, but that's the way it is.  You get cheated on, and then you have the extremely difficult task of letting go of the anger and mistrust.  Your spouse can (and should) apologize and commit not to repeat the offending behavior, but now the responsibility is yours to get your relationship back on track.  It is so hard to forgive and let go of anger when you have been deeply hurt.  But if you are committed to the relationship, you need to realize that the anger and mistrust are not going to help you feel better, and are not going to help your relationship.  Forgiving your spouse is not "letting him off the hook."  Forgiving your spouse is cleansing yourself of the bitterness and negativity that can poison you and make you continually miserable.  It is really for your own good that you need to forgive.  If you need help, pray for help.  If you don't even have the desire to want to forgive, start there.  Ask the Lord for the desire to want to forgive.  It is extremely hard work, and takes a lot of time, but the peace you'll have is very worth the effort that it takes to forgive.

Once you have forgiven your spouse, the mistrust may still linger.  It is normal to feel insecure after your trust has been broken.  It is healthy and important to communicate these feelings to your spouse.  But the hard part is expressing the insecurity without blame and anger.  Together, you may be able to come up with something that your spouse can do to reassure you and increase your trust.  But keep in mind that trust isn't trust unless there's risk.  In order to trust again, we always have to push past the place where we are comfortable and give our spouse a chance to make a mistake.  The growing edge of trust is always in an uncomfortable place.  Again, allowing the risk is uncomfortable and is hard work, but the peace you can have once you have learned to trust again will be worth it.  Everyone makes mistakes.  I believe every marriage will have some degree of broken trust and hurt at some point.  We are all human, and all make mistakes.  Some people and some relationships are worth enduring hurt, pain, and betrayal (some are not).  Those relationships that are worth the effort will grow stronger as you forgive and learn to trust again.

Next Topic: Trust

I'm gathering my thoughts about Trust, and promise to post them soon.  In the meantime, ponder this quote:   "It is better to suffer wrong than to do it, and happier to be sometimes cheated than not to trust."  ~Samuel Johnson