Some facts about anger: 1) Anger is stored. 2) We only have a certain tolerance for anger and 3) Anger is a secondary emotion. First, it's important to realize that anger is stored and builds within us. That's why sometimes you can hold it together when something really provoking happens, but other times, you lose it when something small irks you. We all have a certain tolerance for handling anger, and we all have a breaking point. It is important to know yourself, and know your limits. How can you deal with anger, other than exploding, yelling, crying, blaming, and causing a scene? Exercise is great. Thinking things through can really help (see the last post about taking responsibility for our feelings). Talking to someone (venting) can help. In marriage, talking about your feelings is really, really important to prevent explosions and huge, emotionally charged arguments. Every time I feel really angry about something in my marriage, when I discuss it calmly with my husband and tell him my feelings, I am always surprised when I hear his point of view on the matter, and learn a different perspective that I hadn't considered. So many of our conflicts come from misunderstandings that can be alleviated by honest communication. It is scary to communicate something negative to your spouse. That's why many of us avoid honestly talking to our spouse about what is bothering us, and then we end up exploding in anger. But if you can wait until you are feeling calm, then the communication can clear up misunderstandings, clear the air, and prevent future conflicts.
I think I have mentioned before that anger is a secondary emotion. This means that when something happens, anger is not usually your first response. There is usually some underlying emotion that is your initial reaction, that is followed by anger. That primary emotion could be pain, embarrassment, fear, or something along those lines. This fact can be surprising to many. A lot of times, we don't notice or pay attention to the primary feeling. The anger comes close on it's heels, and is easier to experience and express than the primary emotion. For example, if your spouse says, "How could you spend so much money on something we don't need?" your primary emotion might be guilt, but it is quickly replaced by anger, and your response might be an angry retort. Here's a very important fact: IN GENERAL, PEOPLE RESPOND MUCH BETTER TO EXPRESSION OF THE PRIMARY EMOTION THAN TO EXPRESSION OF ANGER. Think about that. Think back to the last time you got really angry. What was the primary emotion (your first initial reaction feeling) before you felt angry. (This may take some time and serious reflection to uncover.) Now imagine how the ensuing conflict would have proceeded if you had expressed that primary emotion instead of expressing the anger. Quite a different picture, huh? If you think about it, the things that elicit the most extreme emotions from us are the things that hit closest to home--that are a little too close to the truth. If my husband complained that I travel too much, it wouldn't bother me much because it's not true. I might disagree, but I don't think I would feel angry. If my husband complained that I am a terrible housekeeper, now that hurts--because there is a bit of truth in that (or at least some perceived weakness on my part), and I would be much more likely to take offense and lash back at that comment. Now that I realize this truth, will it be easy for me to avoid getting angry? Sadly, no. BUT it might be EASIER to avoid getting angry than if I didn't realize what was happening behind the scenes of my emotional happenings. Knowledge is power, so let's know ourselves and use that knowledge to give us the power to avoid letting our anger get out of control. There is no easy way to avoid getting angry, but like anything in life, if you work at it, you'll get better. So keep your head up, and keep on working on getting and keeping your anger in check. Your marriage will be a happier place! :)
