Expressing Love

It is very important to your marriage to express love often to your spouse.  This may seem like a no-brainer piece of advice to some of you, but I have noticed that it is a challenge for some couples.  One couple I counseled recently comes to mind.  They were having a difficult time communicating with each other, so I was helping them work on their communication skills.  I asked each to take a turn looking at their spouse and communicating something positive that they liked or appreciated about the other.  Uncomfortable silence followed.  I repeated the instructions, and encouraged the husband to proceed.  He looked at me and said, "I appreciate that she...".  I interrupted and asked him to look at his wife and tell his wife directly.  After another stretch of silence, he looked at his wife and in a sweet and simple sentence expressed his love for her, as well as gratitude for all she did in taking care of their children and the home.  The wife broke down in tears.  This was the first time he had ever looked into her eyes and expressed his heartfelt love for her.  It was a very important milestone in their marriage, and hopefully a turning point in their marriage.

I read an article about a study (by Dr. Terry Orbuch) of divorced people's top regrets , and the #1 thing that divorced people would advise doing differently was showing more affection to their spouse.  This includes compliments, cuddling and kissing, saying "I love you", hand-holding, and emotional support.  Expressing love to your spouse is VERY important to the health and happiness of your marriage.  It builds trust.  It allows your love to grow.  It engenders a feeling of safety.

One very interesting fact in Dr. Orbuch's study was that men seem to need this type of affirmation even more than women do.  In her study, when the husband reported that his wife didn't show love and affection, the couple was more than twice as likely to divorce as when the man said he felt cared for and appreciated.  I have a theory (which isn't backed by any research--just observations), that men who feel emotionally connected, appreciated, and loved are much less likely to cheat on their spouses. 

I challenge you to express some kind of love or appreciation to your spouse every day.  If you aren't used to doing this, you can start small.  A simple, "I love you" or "You're a great parent" is a good start.  If saying the words is challenging, try a loving action, such as a hug or write a little note expressing affection.   If you already express love every day, ramp it up, change it around, or add something extra or different.  If you aren't feeling the love right now, express whatever appreciation or kindness you can.  Even if you are in a tough spot in your marriage where you are feeling hurt or betrayed or angry, you can find something positive to express.  And you'll find that expressing love and appreciation not only benefits your spouse, but also strengthens your love and commitment as well.  It's a win-win!  You both will benefit from the expression, and your marriage relationship will be the ultimate winner from your efforts.

Translating

As a counselor, I take on many different roles in people's lives.  At different times I'm an educator, a listener, a sounding board, a confidante...the list goes on and on.  But sometimes when I'm working with a couple, I find myself in the interesting role of being a translator.  I'll give you an example from a couple I worked with, but of course I'll change the names and the circumstances.  In the middle of a session where I was trying to teach Jane and John how to communicate when they were having a difference of opinion (we talked about taking time-outs, using "I" statements, re-stating what the other had just said), John got a phone call which he stepped out of the room to take.  He spoke with the person on the phone for two minutes, and then re-joined the session.  I could tell Jane was really frustrated with John, so I told them that this would be a great way to practice the skills we were just talking about.  So I asked Jane to express her frustration to John.

What happened next was very interesting.  I watched Jane and John argue about whether or not it was rude or appropriate for him to take a call during the session, and I realized that underneath the surface argument, there was a lot of emotional stuff going on that neither Jane nor John realized.  With a little pause and reflection, Jane was able to realize what was going on emotionally for her, and why she had such a strong reaction to a small interruption.  The argument wasn't really about whether or not it was rude to answer a phone call in the middle of a session.  The argument was really about Jane feeling like John was  not making her or their relationship a priority.  Light-bulb moment for both of them!!  As John struggled to find the right words to reassure Jane, what came out of his mouth actually sounded to Jane like he was throwing something from her past into her face.  John was well-meaning, but in her raw emotional state, Jane heard the words but missed the emotional content behind them.  Again, I was able to search for the emotional message behind John's misguided attempt to reassure Jane, and once Jane let down her wall of defensiveness and anger, she was able to see that John's words were meant to express love and commitment.  I joked with them that I was their translator, but later I thought a lot about the words we say and how often they do not reflect accurately what we are feeling at the time.

I've mentioned before that anger is not a primary emotion.  When we get angry, there is usually some underlying primary emotion such as fear or hurt.  Unfortunately, most of the time we don't have a translator present to help us to understand and restate what we are really feeling.  The next time you feel angry with your spouse, pause and think about what the feeling is behind the anger.   What are you really feeling?  It's much easier to be angry than to be hurt.  It's easier to tell someone that they are rude and inconsiderate than to tell them that you felt hurt and abandoned by their actions.  But you can argue for hours about some surface issue that really has no meaning, and never get anywhere because the real issue (the emotional content) is not apparent to either of you.  Instead of wasting time arguing about answering the phone call (or leaving the toothpaste cap off, or doing the dishes, or spending time with friends, or whatever the surface issue is), take some time to figure out what is going on emotionally.  Why are you really upset?  Then instead of talking about the surface issue, talk about how you really feel.  Talk about why you are feeling the way you are feeling.  And then listen.  Really listen.  Not just to the words your spouse is saying, but listen for the emotional content behind those words.  I hate to generalize, but men usually aren't the best at communicating feelings.  It is really hard for a lot of men to talk about their feelings.  So be prepared to be a translator.  Figuring out and accurately expressing your own feelings, and then figuring out what your spouse is really trying to express can be challenging, but I think it can take your disagreements and your relationship to a whole new level of understanding.  And that's a good thing!
Posted by Cherene