As a counselor, I take on many different roles in people's lives. At different times I'm an educator, a listener, a sounding board, a confidante...the list goes on and on. But sometimes when I'm working with a couple, I find myself in the interesting role of being a translator. I'll give you an example from a couple I worked with, but of course I'll change the names and the circumstances. In the middle of a session where I was trying to teach Jane and John how to communicate when they were having a difference of opinion (we talked about taking time-outs, using "I" statements, re-stating what the other had just said), John got a phone call which he stepped out of the room to take. He spoke with the person on the phone for two minutes, and then re-joined the session. I could tell Jane was really frustrated with John, so I told them that this would be a great way to practice the skills we were just talking about. So I asked Jane to express her frustration to John.
What happened next was very interesting. I watched Jane and John argue about whether or not it was rude or appropriate for him to take a call during the session, and I realized that underneath the surface argument, there was a lot of emotional stuff going on that neither Jane nor John realized. With a little pause and reflection, Jane was able to realize what was going on emotionally for her, and why she had such a strong reaction to a small interruption. The argument wasn't really about whether or not it was rude to answer a phone call in the middle of a session. The argument was really about Jane feeling like John was not making her or their relationship a priority. Light-bulb moment for both of them!! As John struggled to find the right words to reassure Jane, what came out of his mouth actually sounded to Jane like he was throwing something from her past into her face. John was well-meaning, but in her raw emotional state, Jane heard the words but missed the emotional content behind them. Again, I was able to search for the emotional message behind John's misguided attempt to reassure Jane, and once Jane let down her wall of defensiveness and anger, she was able to see that John's words were meant to express love and commitment. I joked with them that I was their translator, but later I thought a lot about the words we say and how often they do not reflect accurately what we are feeling at the time.
I've mentioned before that anger is not a primary emotion. When we get angry, there is usually some underlying primary emotion such as fear or hurt. Unfortunately, most of the time we don't have a translator present to
help us to understand and restate what we are really feeling. The next time you feel angry with your spouse, pause and think about what the feeling is behind the anger. What are you really feeling? It's much easier to be angry than to be hurt. It's easier to tell someone that they are rude and inconsiderate than to tell them that you felt hurt and abandoned by their actions. But you can argue for hours about some surface issue that really has no meaning, and never get anywhere because the real issue (the emotional content) is not apparent to either of you. Instead of wasting time arguing about answering the phone call (or leaving the toothpaste cap off, or doing the dishes, or spending time with friends, or whatever the surface issue is), take some time to figure out what is going on emotionally. Why are you really upset? Then instead of talking about the surface issue, talk about how you really feel. Talk about why you are feeling the way you are feeling. And then listen. Really listen. Not just to the words your spouse is saying, but listen for the emotional content behind those words. I hate to generalize, but men usually aren't the best at communicating feelings. It is really hard for a lot of men to talk about their feelings. So be prepared to be a translator. Figuring out and accurately expressing your own feelings, and then figuring out what your spouse is really trying to express can be challenging, but I think it can take your disagreements and your relationship to a whole new level of understanding. And that's a good thing!
Posted by Cherene
Showing posts with label counseling. Show all posts
Showing posts with label counseling. Show all posts
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Friday, October 26, 2012
Marriage Counseling
Most people think of marriage counseling as kind of a last-ditch effort people make to save a failing marriage. If that's what you think, it's time to stop and re-think! :)
I'm going to share a story with you. A good friend of mine had a parent that was verbally and emotionally abusive to her while she was growing up. This friend is a wife and mom, and has a very ideal-looking life. Unfortunately, she is plagued with depression, anxiety, guilt, self-doubt, and a nagging sense that she will never be "good enough." Sadly, when a parent tells a child those messages over and over, the child grows up believing it. She has resisted going to counseling, insisting that she is fine, and that everyone has problems.
In the past, whenever I suggested that she try counseling, she would reply, "Why don't YOU try counseling?" So then, I started working on getting my master's in counseling, and my professors encouraged all of the students in the program to go to counseling on a regular basis. I began to realize that counseling is helpful to everyone in every situation. So I started going to counseling (and really loved the experience), and then I suggested again to my friend that she try going to counseling. This time, what could she say? So she went. This was about a year ago. Recently, she opened up to me about how counseling has affected her life. She said that counseling has probably saved her life, and has definitely improved her life immeasurably. She has learned so much about herself and how to come to terms with her past, and how to handle her future.
Then she told me about how she brought her husband along to a counseling session because she wanted her husband to meet her counselor. This friend has a great marriage. They get along well and rarely have conflicts. This friend would have never gone to marriage counseling because she didn't feel she needed it. But with a few key questions from the counselor, both my friend and her husband realized that they could benefit from learning some communication techniques, and from talking about how they feel. So they started attending some sessions together, and they could not believe how much they benefited from marriage counseling. They both gained a deeper appreciation for the other, and they learned about each others' communication styles. She discovered that when he said "X" he really meant "Y," and he discovered how to say "Y" when that is what he meant. They loved marriage counseling, and both felt that it helped their good marriage to be even better.
So, my message is #1: Counseling is great! It is not scary. Going does not mean that there is something wrong with you. We live in a crazy, busy, hectic world where we rarely take the time to think about our lives, our relationships, and our feelings. We rarely take the time to talk to someone else about our fears, our problems, and our real selves. Counseling helps us to sort out how we are feeling. Counseling helps us to learn coping skills to deal with life's craziness. In short, don't be afraid to go to counseling.
AND message #2: Marriage counseling is most helpful when the marriage is not in a crisis. Marriage counseling is much easier and more enjoyable when both parties are not at the end of their ropes! Marriage counseling can help a deeply troubled marriage, but it can also greatly help a good marriage.
(Posted by Cherene)
I'm going to share a story with you. A good friend of mine had a parent that was verbally and emotionally abusive to her while she was growing up. This friend is a wife and mom, and has a very ideal-looking life. Unfortunately, she is plagued with depression, anxiety, guilt, self-doubt, and a nagging sense that she will never be "good enough." Sadly, when a parent tells a child those messages over and over, the child grows up believing it. She has resisted going to counseling, insisting that she is fine, and that everyone has problems.
In the past, whenever I suggested that she try counseling, she would reply, "Why don't YOU try counseling?" So then, I started working on getting my master's in counseling, and my professors encouraged all of the students in the program to go to counseling on a regular basis. I began to realize that counseling is helpful to everyone in every situation. So I started going to counseling (and really loved the experience), and then I suggested again to my friend that she try going to counseling. This time, what could she say? So she went. This was about a year ago. Recently, she opened up to me about how counseling has affected her life. She said that counseling has probably saved her life, and has definitely improved her life immeasurably. She has learned so much about herself and how to come to terms with her past, and how to handle her future.
Then she told me about how she brought her husband along to a counseling session because she wanted her husband to meet her counselor. This friend has a great marriage. They get along well and rarely have conflicts. This friend would have never gone to marriage counseling because she didn't feel she needed it. But with a few key questions from the counselor, both my friend and her husband realized that they could benefit from learning some communication techniques, and from talking about how they feel. So they started attending some sessions together, and they could not believe how much they benefited from marriage counseling. They both gained a deeper appreciation for the other, and they learned about each others' communication styles. She discovered that when he said "X" he really meant "Y," and he discovered how to say "Y" when that is what he meant. They loved marriage counseling, and both felt that it helped their good marriage to be even better.
So, my message is #1: Counseling is great! It is not scary. Going does not mean that there is something wrong with you. We live in a crazy, busy, hectic world where we rarely take the time to think about our lives, our relationships, and our feelings. We rarely take the time to talk to someone else about our fears, our problems, and our real selves. Counseling helps us to sort out how we are feeling. Counseling helps us to learn coping skills to deal with life's craziness. In short, don't be afraid to go to counseling.
AND message #2: Marriage counseling is most helpful when the marriage is not in a crisis. Marriage counseling is much easier and more enjoyable when both parties are not at the end of their ropes! Marriage counseling can help a deeply troubled marriage, but it can also greatly help a good marriage.
(Posted by Cherene)
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