Elements of a Successful Marriage

The info presented in this post is taken from an article in Connections Magazine, Summer 2012 issue, titled "The Science Behind Successful Marriage" by Christina Sanders. 

What makes a marriage successful?  A number of contributing factors influence the quality and overall success of your marriage.  Some of the biggies include: Family of Origin, Values, Personality, Communication, and Conflict.

Family of Origin:  What happens to you in your family of origin, and how you interpret relationships based on what happened to you effects your marriage.  Researchers have found that levels of emotional readiness, kindness, and flexibility are higher in those who have higher levels of positive family background. 

Values:  Those who tend to be more focused on the relationship and less on personal success make better marriage partners.

Personality:  Personality traits such as kindness, sociability, calmness, organization, flexibility, maturity, happiness, self-esteem, and religiosity all effect the marriage relationship.  In marriage, kindness and flexibility have been shown to be the two most important personality traits because they are necessary for effective communication and conflict resolution. 

Communication: Skills such as listening, communicating respectfully, and showing empathy and love are very important for a successful marriage. 

Conflict Style:  There are several different ways to handle conflict.  Couples don't necessarily have to have the same conflict style, but there are certain pairings of conflict styles that can present a red flag for a relationship.

Avoidant Style:  I avoid conflict, and feel that problems have a way of working themselves out.
Validating Style: I discuss difficult issues, but I remain calm and let others know that their feelings and opinions are valued, even if they are different from mine.  I look for compromises. 
Volatile Style:  I debate and argue until issues are resolved.  My arguing can be intense, but I balance it with loving expressions.  I believe that arguing strongly is how differences are resolved.
Hostile Style:  I get upset when I argue, and at times insult my spouse using put-downs or sarcasm.  I have difficulty listening to my spouse because I am trying to make my point.  Sometimes I have very negative feelings toward my spouse when we have a conflict.

Research has shown that the best pairings of conflict style are those in which one of the partners is validating.  Having a hostile conflict style is always damaging to a relationship. One pairing that can be particularly problematic is when one partner is volatile and the other is avoidant.  Couples in this situation tend to misinterpret their spouse's actions.

In presenting the information from this article, I want you to think about how your family of origin affects your marriage today.  I want you to evaluate how much you value your relationship over personal success.  I want you to think about what personality traits you naturally possess, and what personality traits you may need to work on cultivating.  I want you to think about how you communicate, and how you handle conflict, and if there is room for improvement, make a change.  If you came from a very troubled family of origin, and you tend to use the hostile conflict style, it doesn't mean you can't have a successful marriage.  It just means that you might have to do some introspection, and make a conscious effort to make a positive change.  The important thing is being willing to change, and being committed to your spouse and to the relationship. 

Forgiving

It's been a while!  Sorry  I have been neglecting this blog lately.  I have recently been thinking about forgiveness, and have really appreciated the following quote.  As I read it again this morning, I thought about how often in our marriages we are faced with the difficult task of forgiving.  I think forgiving is one of the hardest things that we are asked to do in this life.  In marriage, it is essential to be able to forgive your spouse in order to be happy.  Holding on to hurt and anger is like inviting and embracing poison into our hearts.  Nothing good comes from staying angry or holding a grudge.  We think that we are wounding the other person, but really, we are hurting ourselves.  In marriage, you are a partnership.  Never forget that you are on the same team!!  Here's the quote I wanted to share:

 "We are not perfect.  The people around us are not perfect.  People do things that annoy, disappoint, and anger.  In this mortal life it will always be that way. Nevertheless, we must let go of our grievances.  Part of the purpose of mortality is to learn how to let go of such things.  That is the Lord's way.  Remember that heaven is filled with those who have this in common: They are forgiven.  And they forgive.  Lay your burden at the Savior's feet.  Let go of judgement.  Allow Christ's Atonement to change and heal your heart.  Love one another.  Forgive one another."  ~Dieter F. Uchtdorf