Marital Satisfaction

I have read this many times in classes and in research studies, so I think it must be a pretty well established pattern: "Marital satisfaction appears to follow a curvilinear path over the course of marriage, starting high, dropping sharply after the birth of children, reaching an all-time low when children are adolescents, and then increasing as children leave home and couples retire." (Carstensen & Gottman, 1993)  I think it's an interesting pattern.  If you are in the child rearing years, this might give you something to look forward to.  If you're about to start a family, or your kids are reaching adolescence, brace yourselves!  The waters of marital bliss might be about to get a little choppy.  :)  The good thing to note is that you don't have to be a statistic.  Knowing the pattern can help couples prepare for stressful time periods by strengthening their marriage, and keeping the lines of communication open.  Remember that your happiness is always your choice--in marriage, and in life.  Want to be happy?  Choose to be happy!  Simple (but not always easy) choice, huh?  

Quote of the Day

"That quiet mutual gaze of a trusting husband and wife is like the first moment of rest or refuge from a great weariness or a great danger."    ~George Eliot

Priorities

OK, I am back!!  I survived another semester of my program, and after a busy week of finals, and then a busy week of catching up, I have been thinking about my marriage blog, and what to post about next.  I had this idea floating around about what a man wants...kind of a list of what is important to men.  I thought I should survey some of the men I know and ask them what is most important to them in marriage (instead of assuming), but then I was struck with the thought that not many people go to counseling wanting to know how to make their spouse happier.  When people consult their friends or family about their marriage, it generally is not to get ideas of what their spouse might want or need.  And then the thought that naturally followed is...we all might be happier in our marriages if we did put our spouse's happiness as our first priority.  I know it goes against our naturally selfish natures to think this way.  And it is not the message society sends us either.  I think sometimes we get so caught up in what WE need and what WE deserve, that we seldom stop to think about what our spouse needs and wants.  But think about how your marriage would be different if you put your spouse's happiness as a priority over your own.  How would your interactions with your spouse be different?  How would your life be different?  How would your marriage be different?

Why do people go to marriage counseling?  I think a lot of the time it is because they want their spouse to change.  I think if more people went to counseling with the thought, "How can I change myself to be a better spouse and make my spouse happier?"  counseling would be a lot more effective.  BECAUSE #1, you cannot change another person.  You can only change yourself.  and #2, when you change yourself (into a person who puts their spouse first), your relationship WILL change for the better.  If you want a better marriage, be a better spouse.  If you want to be happy, make your spouse happy.  So I have a challenge for you...put your spouse first.  Make their happiness your top priority for a day, a weekend, a week, an hour...whatever you feel like you can do.  Put your spouse's happiness first, and see what changes.  And if you do it, let me know how it goes!  I commit to try it too.  :)

study on positivity

 "...an individual’s experience of marriage appears to be consistent with his or her experience of the world more broadly, be it positive or negative.  Thus, this investigation provides support for the notion that persons who are typically very happy, and those who perceive their spouse to be very happy, have more satisfying marriages."
Reference: Gordon, C. & Baucom, D. Personal Relationships, 16 (2009), 421–435.

Textbook Marriage

This quote is from my textbook, Development through the Lifespan by Laura Berk: "In a study in which 50 happily married couples were interviewed about their marriages, each participant reported both good times and bad, and many admitted to having moments where they wanted out.  Clearly, marital happiness was no "rose garden."  Rather, it was grounded in mutual respect, pleasure and comfort in each other's company, and joint problem solving.  All couples emphasized the need to reshape their relationship in response to new circumstances and to each partner's changing needs and desires."