Let's Talk About Physical Intimacy

OK, before I get started on this topic, I want to remind you that I am not a professional.  I am still a student counselor, getting experience counseling through my internship.  I have not had the opportunity to counsel many couples yet.  I am mostly working with individuals.  But with the limited experiences I have had, some common themes about sex seem to keep coming up, so I thought it might be a good idea to address them here.  I won't be able to address them all in one post, so look for another post with this theme soon.  I want this blog to be family friendly, but I also want it to be a real resource for married couples, so I will tread carefully to try to find the right balance of tactfulness and truth.  Also, keep in mind that each individual (and each couple) is unique.  I will be making some generalizations here, and I realize that they do not apply to every individual. 

First of all, let me say that for women, sex is very emotional.  In general, if a woman is not feeling happy or loved, she does not want to by physically intimate with her spouse.  Men, this means that you should not criticize your wife's appearance if you want her to be physically intimate with you.  I don't know of any woman that made a positive change in her life and her body as a direct result of her husband's criticism.  Believe me, she already knows that her body is not perfect.   She does not need you to remind her.  We all want to feel loved, appreciated, and admired.  It does not take a genius to answer this question correctly:  Will your wife be more likely to want to be intimate with you if you tell her she is A) beautiful, sexy, and wonderful; or B) fat, lazy and annoying?  Treat your spouse with love and kindness, and she will feel love and tenderness toward you, and will want to participate in the physical manifestation of that love.

Next, I will tell you that often, when someone complains of a sexual problem in therapy, they are really talking about a communication problem.   I don't know why it is so hard for people to talk to their spouse about sex, but it just is.  Many people talk to their spouse openly about money, jobs, children, in-laws, politics, and many other topics, but when it comes to sex, they clam up.  It surprises me when clients complain about their sex lives, and I ask them if they have discussed this issue with their spouse, most of the time, the answer is no.  It seems to be easier for people to talk to their counselor about sex than it is for them to talk to their partner.  The solution to this problem is obvious, but it may not be easy.  Talk to your spouse about sex. Talk about what is working, what could use some improvement, and how you both are feeling about your sex life.  Timing is important.  Don't try to have this discussion while you are being physically intimate.  Make time to talk when you are alone and both of you are calm.  If you are not used to talking about physical intimacy, maybe you could start by asking your spouse what they like about your sex life, and what they think could improve.  Open, honest communication can do wonders for a relationship.  At first, you may have to schedule a time to talk about sex.  Maybe you could put it on your calendar to remind you to check-in with your spouse on a regular basis. I think you will be surprised at how many problems or misunderstandings can be avoided by frequent, open communication.  If there is room for improvement, remember to use your "I statements" (see previous posts) and to not criticize!  Be loving, sensitive, and respectful in your communication.  

Well, there's a start to the topic of physical intimacy.  I will continue with the same theme in the next post.  If you have specific questions or topics you want me to cover, e-mail me or leave a comment.  Thanks for reading!

Be the Change

I love this quote from Gandhi:  "Be the change you want to see in the world." This week, I was thinking about how it applies to marriage.  You can change the quote to "Be the change you want to see in your marriage."  When you ask married people what change they would like to see in their marriage, they usually mention their spouse (and often some habit or pet peeve that they want their spouse to change).  What's wrong with that?  Well, for one thing, you probably know by now that you can't change someone else.  The only person you can change is you.  Also, in marriage, it takes two.  Your spouse isn't perfect, but instead of focusing on their problems (which you can't change), why not look inward to see what you are doing to contribute to your dissatisfaction in your marriage?  At first it is uncomfortable to accept responsibility for some negative things that it is easier to blame your spouse for.  But then, it becomes empowering as you realize that you are more in control of your happiness in your marriage than you realized.  So look inward.  Be honest with yourself. What change would like you like to see in your marriage (not in your spouse, but in your marriage)?  What can you do to bring about that change?  YOU can be the change you want to see in your marriage!