One theme I notice coming up over and over again with a lot of my clients is anger. Again there is too much to say in one post, so I will break it up into smaller pieces. Here is my first take on anger. A lot of people have trouble controlling their anger. Usually the people who seek counseling for help with their anger are people who tend to explode in anger, yell, and maybe even get violent. At times I have felt smug because I don't get angry very often, and I rarely express my anger. I have learned though, that keeping anger bottled up inside can be just as damaging to a relationship as exploding in anger. And when you think you are keeping your anger in, it is often seeping out in little ways, like snide remarks, withholding compliments or affection, criticism, impatience...the list goes on and on. Do any of these sound familiar? So the problem of anger is not only a problem for the yellers, the explosive fighters, or the violent reactors. It is a problem for all of us who ever get angry. And that's everyone, right?
One problem is that in our society, we blame others for our anger. If someone "makes us angry" then we expect that person to apologize to us. If I am angry with you, and I'm expecting you to apologize about it, I am not holding myself accountable for my feelings. I am blaming my feelings on you. From the time we are very young, we learn to blame our anger on other people. "She made me mad!" The cold, hard truth is that only we can "make" ourselves mad. Your spouse can't make you mad. You make yourself mad at the things your spouse does. Step out of the victim mentality. No one is making you feel any way. You can choose to feel however you want. Try saying, "I made myself mad about...(what she said)". This problem of blaming someone for your anger is magnified in abusive relationships. The victim often takes too much responsibility for the abuser's feelings. "He only hit me because I said ____. I shouldn't have made him so mad." Can you see what's so very wrong about that line of thinking?
We all need to realize that it isn't what happens to us that makes us angry. It is what we do with it that causes us to be angry. If someone cuts me off in traffic, I don't have to get angry. I can choose to think, "That poor guy is probably late for something important," or "Wow, I'm glad I didn't crash into that car," or "It's frustrating when someone cuts me off, but it's not worth getting mad over, so I'll just take a deep breath and choose to let it go." The reality is that most people don't drive around with the intent of making other drivers mad. When someone cuts you off, it is usually because they are in a rush or maybe didn't realize that you were right there. But honestly, it doesn't matter what that person's intent was. Even if that driver was intentionally trying to make you angry, you still have the choice to get angry or not. What does all this have to do with marriage? A lot. Right now, I'm just trying to help you to look at anger in a more realistic way so that you realize that anger is not uncontrollable or inevitable. You are in control of your feelings. So, think about that, and I will be posting much more about anger soon!!
