Translating

As a counselor, I take on many different roles in people's lives.  At different times I'm an educator, a listener, a sounding board, a confidante...the list goes on and on.  But sometimes when I'm working with a couple, I find myself in the interesting role of being a translator.  I'll give you an example from a couple I worked with, but of course I'll change the names and the circumstances.  In the middle of a session where I was trying to teach Jane and John how to communicate when they were having a difference of opinion (we talked about taking time-outs, using "I" statements, re-stating what the other had just said), John got a phone call which he stepped out of the room to take.  He spoke with the person on the phone for two minutes, and then re-joined the session.  I could tell Jane was really frustrated with John, so I told them that this would be a great way to practice the skills we were just talking about.  So I asked Jane to express her frustration to John.

What happened next was very interesting.  I watched Jane and John argue about whether or not it was rude or appropriate for him to take a call during the session, and I realized that underneath the surface argument, there was a lot of emotional stuff going on that neither Jane nor John realized.  With a little pause and reflection, Jane was able to realize what was going on emotionally for her, and why she had such a strong reaction to a small interruption.  The argument wasn't really about whether or not it was rude to answer a phone call in the middle of a session.  The argument was really about Jane feeling like John was  not making her or their relationship a priority.  Light-bulb moment for both of them!!  As John struggled to find the right words to reassure Jane, what came out of his mouth actually sounded to Jane like he was throwing something from her past into her face.  John was well-meaning, but in her raw emotional state, Jane heard the words but missed the emotional content behind them.  Again, I was able to search for the emotional message behind John's misguided attempt to reassure Jane, and once Jane let down her wall of defensiveness and anger, she was able to see that John's words were meant to express love and commitment.  I joked with them that I was their translator, but later I thought a lot about the words we say and how often they do not reflect accurately what we are feeling at the time.

I've mentioned before that anger is not a primary emotion.  When we get angry, there is usually some underlying primary emotion such as fear or hurt.  Unfortunately, most of the time we don't have a translator present to help us to understand and restate what we are really feeling.  The next time you feel angry with your spouse, pause and think about what the feeling is behind the anger.   What are you really feeling?  It's much easier to be angry than to be hurt.  It's easier to tell someone that they are rude and inconsiderate than to tell them that you felt hurt and abandoned by their actions.  But you can argue for hours about some surface issue that really has no meaning, and never get anywhere because the real issue (the emotional content) is not apparent to either of you.  Instead of wasting time arguing about answering the phone call (or leaving the toothpaste cap off, or doing the dishes, or spending time with friends, or whatever the surface issue is), take some time to figure out what is going on emotionally.  Why are you really upset?  Then instead of talking about the surface issue, talk about how you really feel.  Talk about why you are feeling the way you are feeling.  And then listen.  Really listen.  Not just to the words your spouse is saying, but listen for the emotional content behind those words.  I hate to generalize, but men usually aren't the best at communicating feelings.  It is really hard for a lot of men to talk about their feelings.  So be prepared to be a translator.  Figuring out and accurately expressing your own feelings, and then figuring out what your spouse is really trying to express can be challenging, but I think it can take your disagreements and your relationship to a whole new level of understanding.  And that's a good thing!
Posted by Cherene