Expressing Love

It is very important to your marriage to express love often to your spouse.  This may seem like a no-brainer piece of advice to some of you, but I have noticed that it is a challenge for some couples.  One couple I counseled recently comes to mind.  They were having a difficult time communicating with each other, so I was helping them work on their communication skills.  I asked each to take a turn looking at their spouse and communicating something positive that they liked or appreciated about the other.  Uncomfortable silence followed.  I repeated the instructions, and encouraged the husband to proceed.  He looked at me and said, "I appreciate that she...".  I interrupted and asked him to look at his wife and tell his wife directly.  After another stretch of silence, he looked at his wife and in a sweet and simple sentence expressed his love for her, as well as gratitude for all she did in taking care of their children and the home.  The wife broke down in tears.  This was the first time he had ever looked into her eyes and expressed his heartfelt love for her.  It was a very important milestone in their marriage, and hopefully a turning point in their marriage.

I read an article about a study (by Dr. Terry Orbuch) of divorced people's top regrets , and the #1 thing that divorced people would advise doing differently was showing more affection to their spouse.  This includes compliments, cuddling and kissing, saying "I love you", hand-holding, and emotional support.  Expressing love to your spouse is VERY important to the health and happiness of your marriage.  It builds trust.  It allows your love to grow.  It engenders a feeling of safety.

One very interesting fact in Dr. Orbuch's study was that men seem to need this type of affirmation even more than women do.  In her study, when the husband reported that his wife didn't show love and affection, the couple was more than twice as likely to divorce as when the man said he felt cared for and appreciated.  I have a theory (which isn't backed by any research--just observations), that men who feel emotionally connected, appreciated, and loved are much less likely to cheat on their spouses. 

I challenge you to express some kind of love or appreciation to your spouse every day.  If you aren't used to doing this, you can start small.  A simple, "I love you" or "You're a great parent" is a good start.  If saying the words is challenging, try a loving action, such as a hug or write a little note expressing affection.   If you already express love every day, ramp it up, change it around, or add something extra or different.  If you aren't feeling the love right now, express whatever appreciation or kindness you can.  Even if you are in a tough spot in your marriage where you are feeling hurt or betrayed or angry, you can find something positive to express.  And you'll find that expressing love and appreciation not only benefits your spouse, but also strengthens your love and commitment as well.  It's a win-win!  You both will benefit from the expression, and your marriage relationship will be the ultimate winner from your efforts.