Some Parenting Basics

I have been doing mostly family counseling lately, and have noticed a disturbing trend.  Many of the families I have been working with do not have family rules or consistent consequences.  Many families do not have any type of chore chart or any expectations for their children to help out with cleaning or maintaining the house.  A lot of parents seem to feel that in order to be "nice" or "good" parents, they don't want to burden their children with rules or chores.  Many parents seem to be afraid to administer any type of consequence or punishment.  The result of this type of parenting is children who are lazy, unwilling to work hard at anything, and who feel that they are above any type of rules or discipline system.  These children often have trouble in school, and often have a low sense of self-esteem. 

I think a lot of parents think that in order for their children to feel good about themselves, the children need to be praised constantly, and treated like royalty.  In reality, children develop a healthy sense of self esteem when they have consistent rules and expectations spelled out for them, and consistent consequences that stem from their actions.  Children need to feel loved and secure in their attachments, but children do NOT need to feel that they are the best at everything they do.  In fact, children need to be allowed to lose games, to fail at new efforts, and to know that rewards come from hard work, not from just being you. 

It is fine to praise your child when they do something well, but it is most effective if you praise the effort they put into that accomplishment, instead of just praising the child.  For example, if you child brings home a good report card, it is much better to say, "I'm so proud of the effort you put into school in order to get these good grades," than to say, "You're so smart!"  Many studies have shown that children who are told how smart they are become easily frustrated and discouraged when they have a difficult time learning something new.  Children who are praised for their hard work and their effort at learning, tend to tackle new challenges with more confidence and tend to finish challenging tasks more frequently. 

If you want your children to feel secure and happy, tell them you love them, make yourself available to them, and spend quality time with them.   ALSO, come up with some family rules.  Have your children help you determine what the family rules should be.  Write them down and put them in a place where everyone can see them.  Come up with consequences for when the rules are not followed (again, with input from the children).  Consistently follow through with the consequences.  Children need clear expectations and consistent discipline in order to feel secure and happy.  I would not recommend any type of physical punishments.  Spanking does not help, and it ends up teaching the child it is OK to hit someone when you are frustrated or angry.  Punishments that work well include time-out (especially for younger children), and removal of privileges. 

If children know what the rules are and what the consequences are, they are choosing their own consequences.  It takes away a lot of the frustration and emotional outbursts when you can calmly say, "Son, it looks like you forgot to pick up your toys after you finished playing with them.  Remember we decided that was a family rule, and if you don't do it, you can't play with those toys again for a whole day?  So please pick up the toys and hand them to me, and I'll give them back when the time frame is up.  I know it's sad when you can't play with your favorite toys, so make sure to make a better choice next time."  Or, with older kids, it goes more like this: "Hi son, I'm glad you're home safe.  I was worried about you because you got home past your curfew.  Do you remember what the consequence is for coming home late? ....That's right, you will have to be home early the next two times you go out.  I understand that you feel frustrated right now, but remember that you helped create that rule and the consequence, and hopefully this will help you choose to be home on time in the future." 

Giving children regular chores to do helps them in many ways.  It helps them to appreciate the value of work.  It teaches them skills they will need to keep their own homes clean someday.  It helps them appreciate all that you, as parents, do for them.  And doing work helps children to feel productive and valued at home.  It is best if you come up with some type of chart, where each child's daily or weekly chore is clearly spelled out for them.  If you just wait until the sink is full of dirty dishes, and then ask a child to help, they are likely to complain and refuse.  If they know in advance that they are responsible for doing the dishes all week, it is much easier to get them to comply.  Especially if you have the children help you design the chore chart, and decide what tasks need to be done daily and weekly. 

Why am I posting parenting advice on my marriage blog?  If you are married with children, you know that children are wonderful, and bring so much joy to a family, but they also are challenging, and are often the cause of stress and worry.  Your parenting style and parenting skills will definitely impact the quality of your marriage.  If you and your spouse are united in your expectations and in the way you handle misbehavior, it will make your marriage (and your home) much more peaceful. 

Three Little Things

Three little things you can do today to improve your marriage (or keep it healthy and strong) are:

1) Show affection.  Every day, have some physical contact with your spouse.  A hug, a kiss, holding hands, a shoulder rub...anything like that will reinforce the physical bond you have together.   

2) Go out of your way to do something kind for your spouse.  Make some little sacrifice to make his or her day a little better or brighter.  You can do a chore your spouse usually does, or do something as simple as buying your spouse their favorite candy bar when you stop for gas today. 

3)  Express affection.  Say something kind or loving every day.  Anything from, "Thanks for helping me with the dishes" to "You look nice today"  or a simple "I love you" will do.  If it's hard for you to say it, then start by texting something nice to your spouse every day. 

Sometimes it's the little things that mean the most.  Every day you make some little effort to strengthen your relationship is a day that you are acknowledging to yourself and to your spouse that your marriage is important to you and is worth some daily attention.