Parenting Issues

     I was recently approached by a woman who said she was afraid that her marriage was not going to survive because she and her husband fought constantly about parenting their children.  Her husband had been abused as a child, and was very afraid of any strict punishments.  She felt that her husband's leniency with their daughter was the cause of her daughter's behavior problems and rebellious attitude.  This poor woman and her husband argued constantly over how to discipline their daughter, and it was tearing them apart.  Unfortunately, it is all too common for parenting issues to cause marital problems.
     My answer to her (besides suggesting family counseling) was that you can parent with firm limits, expectations and consequences without yelling, spanking, or any other harsh punishments.  Instead of fighting each other, this couple needs to learn how to parent effectively, agree on rules and consequences (with their daughter), and firmly enforce those rules.  I highly recommended the "Love and Logic" books by Jim Fay, and if possible, a "Love and Logic" workshop can really help too.  I was able to attend a free "Love and Logic" class at my children's elementary school a few years ago.  I know the community agency where I interned offered the class free to their clients as well.  I'm not sure of the expense if you have to pay for the class, but it might be worth the investment!  If you don't have the funds to spare, check the book out from the library for free and give it a read.  Same ideas--you just have to put in the effort to read it yourself. 
     The basis behind these books and classes is that as parents, you need to agree on rules and consequences.  Then make those rules and consequences clear to your children.  Then enforce those rules and consequences without raising your voice, spanking, or threatening.  It works like magic, but it takes a little time, effort, and practice.  You have to decide ahead of time what the rules are and what the consequences are.  When you practice "reactive parenting" (just reacting to whatever comes up), you are much more likely to lose control, get angry, yell, threaten, and dole out unfair punishments.  Planning ahead helps you to respond calmly to the situation, and to enforce a punishment that makes sense and hopefully is somehow related to the broken rule.  Plus, when you plan ahead, you and your spouse have a chance to discuss what rules you think are most important, and what consequences you think are fair.  If you wait until your child misbehaves, then fly off the handle and dish out a harsh punishment, there is much more room for discord in the marriage than if you sit down together calmly and discuss how you want your household to run, and how to make that happen.
     Parenting is so, so hard!!  Just when you think you have it figured out, your child changes, or another child starts acting up.  It is so hard to know what to do, or how to react (especially with teenagers).  It is very normal to feel confused and frustrated about parenting.   But try to remember that you and your spouse are a team!!  You are working together towards the common goal of raising healthy, happy, responsible children.  If you feel like your family is falling apart, seek professional help.  Marriage or family counseling can be a really helpful way to gain a clear perspective on how your family is functioning, and what you can do to help it function better.  As difficult as parenting is when you and your spouse are in agreement, it is so much harder when you are not getting along.
     "The quality of of our parenting is limited by the quality of our marriage relationship.  It is difficult to deal lovingly with our children when there is anger or resentment between Mom and Dad.  Negative (and positive) emotions spill over into parenting decisions, clouding and magnifying any problems we have." ~Kevin Hinckley (from "Parenting the Strong-Willed Child")  Be patient with each other.  Communicate often about both the joys and challenges of parenting.  Let love guide your actions, and remember to enjoy the ride!
(Posted by Cherene)