Owning Your Expectations

This piece of marriage advice made a huge difference in my own marriage.  A couple of years ago, a friend of mine lent me a CD of a series of talks on marriage by John Lund.  The section on "owning your expectations" really hit home for me.  I have been trying to figure out how to type out the idea succinctly and accurately.  I am not a writer, and also it has been a while since I heard the CD.  So I will just try to present the gist of it to you.  Here is the basic bottom line:  ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT.  DO NOT ASSUME THAT YOUR SPOUSE KNOWS WHAT YOU WANT.  DO NOT DROP HINTS, AND THEN GET ANGRY WHEN YOUR SPOUSE DOES NOT RESPOND THE WAY YOU WANT HIM/HER TO.  That's it in a nutshell.  Now I'll try to explain. 

Why do some of us feel that our spouse should just know our wants and needs?  Why do we feel like if we have to ask, then it somehow cheapens the experience of getting what we want?  Why do we feel like if we drop a hint and our spouse doesn't catch it, they are deliberately ignoring our wishes, and causing us grief?  Probably because we watched our parents do it.  Maybe because we are not assertive enough to state clearly what we want and how we feel.  I guess it doesn't matter why we do it, it is just important to realize what we are doing and stop. 

Some spouses are not good at picking up on hints.  Some are not good at looking around and noticing what needs to be done.  Some are not good at anticipating wants and needs.  It is not fair to expect your spouse to know your wants and needs if you do not communicate them.  Hint dropping is not communicating.  If you want the garbage taken out, don't sniff the air and make a face.  Ask your spouse to take out the trash.  If you want help with the dishes, don't flop down and declare what a rough day you've had and expect him to jump up and do the dishes--ask him to help you do the dishes.  If you want a particular pair of earrings for mother's day, don't drop a hint by admiring the earrings on someone else, just tell your hubby that you would like that particular pair of earrings for mother's day.  How simple is that? 

The crazy thing is that there are lots of women out there (and I used to be one of them) walking around feeling angry and resentful because their spouse didn't do what she wanted him to do when she never even communicated to him what she wanted.  It seems difficult and frustrating at first to actually ask for what you want when you aren't used to the idea, but once you try it, you realize it just makes sense!  It would be wonderful if our spouses could all anticipate our every want and need, but they can't!!  It would be crazy romantic if our spouse always knew the perfect gift to buy us, but they don't! We need to communicate our wants and wishes--whatever they may be. 

We all have expectations.  Own your expectations.  Communicate them to your spouse. I know from experience marriage can be a happier, more peaceful, and more fair experience if you just own your expectations.