Royal Expectations and Four Under-Used Words in Marriage

First: The Princess Problem

We love our daughters, we do. We like to shower them with affection and make them aware from a young age they are loved. And that they are royal, daughters of God—daughters of a king! We want to make sure they know what it means to be properly treated and respected. We want them to have healthy relationships with caring men who recognize and appreciate them for who they are: smart, talented, caring, lovely and kind.

But there can be a dark side to the castle life, and I’m not talking about a lack of electricity. Instilling high standards and teaching the value of a dedicated mother who is well supported by her husband can contribute to a *lean in as I whisper this* . . .  a sense of entitlement.

Who would think treating our children with love and respect and teaching them to expect it from others could lead to such a ghastly result? Is it really something to worry about? (A quick little note: this can apply to princes as well as princesses and there can be several contributing causes to this attitude.)

One or both spouses with a sense of entitlement can spoil the genuine feelings of love in a marriage. Someone who expects deferential treatment or preferential treatment while not willing to do their share of the work in a marriage can build feelings of resentment rather than real love. Evidence of this destructive attitude crops up in arguments over the division of labor: who is responsible for which chores, caring for the automobiles or looking after the yard, etc. It shows up in differences in spending priorities: saving or spending, new furniture or family vacation? Often a spouse will have their pet project and want more money for what they feel is more important. When there isn’t a balance of consideration to both spouses, a sense of entitlement can be the culprit. It shows up in other areas, too, like the treatment of goals and dreams of each spouse, as well as setting house rules and or something as simple as mealtime.

When this attitude is combined with the current state of our culture, saturated with consumerism and material goods and wealth, it can prove a deadly threat to a marriage and consequently, a family. Most often what is missing in a relationship plagued with a sense of entitlement is peace. One spouse may never be satisfied, always feeling like he or she deserves more than what they think they are getting.

When I worked for a certain tax preparation company (that I won’t name here), they sold a product I was encouraged to offer to clients. It was something like audit protection. The company called it “Peace of Mind.” A little ironic, I know. Many times as I offered it, I thought how no amount of money can buy the peace of mind that comes from living within your means.

Money cannot buy the true peace of mind that comes from following sound financial principles.  

There is not enough money in the world to buy everything the world may teach you to want.

There is not enough money in the world to buy the kind of peace that comes with the discipline to live within one’s means. There just isn’t.

Living within one’s means may not prevent all financial hardship or marital arguments, but living within one’s means (not spending everything one earns) is like physical fitness and allows a couple or a family to be better prepared to weather a financial storm.

Living beyond your means is a form of pride. It is spending more money than you have to either look or feel wealthier than you are. It is a farce, an expensive and dangerous façade. It cannot produce the kind of contentment or happiness that it attempts to create as an image for others.

Living within your means brings peace, humility and greater appreciation and happiness.

Living within your means allows you to meet your obligations and possibly acquire reserves to be in a position to share and bless others in need. Helping others in need isn’t usually on the mind of someone with a sense of entitlement.

I love what Elder Hales had to say about this very topic:

[W]e must keep that most basic commandment, “Thou shalt not covet” (Exodus 20:17). Our world is fraught with feelings of entitlement. Some of us feel embarrassed, ashamed, less worthwhile if our family does not have everything the neighbors have. As a result, we go into debt to buy things we can’t afford—and things we do not really need. Whenever we do this, we become poor temporally and spiritually. We give away some of our precious, priceless agency and put ourselves in self-imposed servitude. Money we could have used to care for ourselves and others must now be used to pay our debts. What remains is often only enough to meet our most basic physical needs. Living at the subsistence level, we become depressed, our self-worth is affected, and our relationships with family, friends, neighbors, and the Lord are weakened. We do not have the time, energy, or interest to seek spiritual things.

How then do we avoid and overcome the patterns of debt and addiction to temporal, worldly things? May I share with you two lessons in provident living that can help each of us. These lessons, along with many other important lessons of my life, were taught to me by my wife and eternal companion. These lessons were learned at two different times in our marriage—both on occasions when I wanted to buy her a special gift.

The first lesson was learned when we were newly married and had very little money. I was in the air force, and we had missed Christmas together. I was on assignment overseas. When I got home, I saw a beautiful dress in a store window and suggested to my wife that if she liked it, we would buy it. Mary went into the dressing room of the store. After a moment the salesclerk came out, brushed by me, and returned the dress to its place in the store window. As we left the store, I asked, “What happened?” She replied, “It was a beautiful dress, but we can’t afford it!” Those words went straight to my heart. I have learned that the three most loving words are “I love you,” and the four most caring words for those we love are “We can’t afford it.”

The second lesson was learned several years later when we were more financially secure. Our wedding anniversary was approaching, and I wanted to buy Mary a fancy coat to show my love and appreciation for our many happy years together. When I asked what she thought of the coat I had in mind, she replied with words that again penetrated my heart and mind. “Where would I wear it?” she asked. (At the time she was a ward Relief Society president helping to minister to needy families.)Then she taught me an unforgettable lesson. She looked me in the eyes and sweetly asked, “Are you buying this for me or for you?” In other words, she was asking, “Is the purpose of this gift to show your love for me or to show me that you are a good provider or to prove something to the world?” I pondered her question and realized I was thinking less about her and our family and more about me.After that we had a serious, life-changing discussion about provident living, and both of us agreed that our money would be better spent in paying down our home mortgage and adding to our children’s education fund.

These two lessons are the essence of provident living. When faced with the choice to buy, consume, or engage in worldly things and activities, we all need to learn to say to one another, “We can’t afford it, even though we want it!” or “We can afford it, but we don’t need it—and we really don’t even want it!”

APRIL 2009 Becoming Provident Providers Temporally and Spiritually, ELDER ROBERT D. HALES

Sister Hales did not have a Princess Problem! She did not accept a new dress, though she could clearly see it was ‘beautiful,’ because she knew they couldn’t afford it. No false sense of entitlement, no need to look wealthier than they were.

The second example is even more stunning. They could afford the coat he wanted to buy her, but she had no interest in parading around in a fancy coat, why? As Elder Hales explains, she was busy serving and helping others. Right. No sense of entitlement, no need to appear as wealthy as they actually were. She had no need to impress others—she was too busy loving and serving them!

Second: Did you catch the four most caring words for those we love?

“We can’t afford it.”

Hmm. When was the last time we heard that from our spouse and it registered as caring? When was the last time we said it in a caring way? If you want to be that kind of spouse, it’s not too late to begin using those words. It’s not too late to refuse an extravagant gift, to refuse to go into more debt to impress others or fill some appetite for image or wealth. And if you have such a spouse, it’s not too late to say thank-you. 

Posted by Tamara. Thank-you Cherene, for the invite to blog here!