"People do not marry people, not real ones anyway; they marry what they think the person is; they marry illusions and images. The exciting adventure of marriage is finding out who the partner really is." ~James L. Framo, "Explorations in Marital & Family Therapy"
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
Great Quote
I apologize for slacking on posting lately. As the semester is wrapping up, I have lots of tests and papers to work on, so I've been really busy with school stuff. Here's a quote for now, and I will catch up with some better quality posts when this semester ends in less than two weeks!!
"So many of us make a great fuss of matters of small consequence. We are so easily offended. Happy is the man who can brush aside the offending remarks of another and go on his way.
Grudges, if left to fester, can become serious maladies”
~Gordon B Hinkley
Monday, April 18, 2011
Quote of the Day
I love this quote, because it reminds me of my husband. He is so good at this, but I am not (yet).
"Often the difference between a successful marriage and a mediocre one consists of leaving about three or four things a day unsaid." ~Harlan Miller
Friday, April 8, 2011
Quote of the Day
"Only choose in marriage a man whom you would choose as a friend if he were a woman." ~Joseph Joubert
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Perspective
As a follow-up to the post on "Owning your Expectations," I want to add that when you allow yourself to get angry and frustrated with your spouse, that colors your whole marriage perspective. Here's a personal example... Early in our marriage, when I was frustrated that my husband wasn't helping me with the dishes (even though I hadn't clearly communicated that that is what I wanted), I felt like I had gotten the short end of the marriage stick. I noticed other husbands who did the dishes, and I failed to notice all of the good things that my husband was doing to help me. I was so wrapped up in what I deserved, and what I wasn't getting, and feeling resentful that my wants and wishes were not being anticipated, that I was making myself (and probably my hubby too) miserable.
When I tried the obvious solution of communicating my feelings, and asking for what I wanted, everything changed. Once I realized that my husband was willing to help me when he knew what I wanted, my whole perspective changed. I stopped feeling resentful and sorry for myself. All of a sudden, I noticed a lot of really nice things about the way my husband treats me, and I started appreciating all the nice things he does for me. I could not believe that I had not noticed all of the positives in our marriage because I was so very focused on the negative. It makes me sad now to think that I ever wasted time feeling unhappy over silly things that totally skewed my perspective. Happiness was right in front of me, but I chose to focus on the negative, so I couldn't see it.
So my question for you is, "Is there any negativity that you are holding on to in your marriage relationship that you need to let go of?" The sad irony is that you hold on to (and focus on) the negative out of anger as a sort of punishment to your spouse, but the person who ends up being hurt the most is you. The challenge is to examine your marriage relationship. See if there is any anger, resentment, or frustration that you are holding on to. If there is, it is time to let it go. Talk to your spouse about your feelings, and realize that letting go of some negativity can totally change your perspective, and can free you to be happy in your relationship!
When I tried the obvious solution of communicating my feelings, and asking for what I wanted, everything changed. Once I realized that my husband was willing to help me when he knew what I wanted, my whole perspective changed. I stopped feeling resentful and sorry for myself. All of a sudden, I noticed a lot of really nice things about the way my husband treats me, and I started appreciating all the nice things he does for me. I could not believe that I had not noticed all of the positives in our marriage because I was so very focused on the negative. It makes me sad now to think that I ever wasted time feeling unhappy over silly things that totally skewed my perspective. Happiness was right in front of me, but I chose to focus on the negative, so I couldn't see it.
So my question for you is, "Is there any negativity that you are holding on to in your marriage relationship that you need to let go of?" The sad irony is that you hold on to (and focus on) the negative out of anger as a sort of punishment to your spouse, but the person who ends up being hurt the most is you. The challenge is to examine your marriage relationship. See if there is any anger, resentment, or frustration that you are holding on to. If there is, it is time to let it go. Talk to your spouse about your feelings, and realize that letting go of some negativity can totally change your perspective, and can free you to be happy in your relationship!
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Owning Your Expectations
This piece of marriage advice made a huge difference in my own marriage. A couple of years ago, a friend of mine lent me a CD of a series of talks on marriage by John Lund. The section on "owning your expectations" really hit home for me. I have been trying to figure out how to type out the idea succinctly and accurately. I am not a writer, and also it has been a while since I heard the CD. So I will just try to present the gist of it to you. Here is the basic bottom line: ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. DO NOT ASSUME THAT YOUR SPOUSE KNOWS WHAT YOU WANT. DO NOT DROP HINTS, AND THEN GET ANGRY WHEN YOUR SPOUSE DOES NOT RESPOND THE WAY YOU WANT HIM/HER TO. That's it in a nutshell. Now I'll try to explain.
Why do some of us feel that our spouse should just know our wants and needs? Why do we feel like if we have to ask, then it somehow cheapens the experience of getting what we want? Why do we feel like if we drop a hint and our spouse doesn't catch it, they are deliberately ignoring our wishes, and causing us grief? Probably because we watched our parents do it. Maybe because we are not assertive enough to state clearly what we want and how we feel. I guess it doesn't matter why we do it, it is just important to realize what we are doing and stop.
Some spouses are not good at picking up on hints. Some are not good at looking around and noticing what needs to be done. Some are not good at anticipating wants and needs. It is not fair to expect your spouse to know your wants and needs if you do not communicate them. Hint dropping is not communicating. If you want the garbage taken out, don't sniff the air and make a face. Ask your spouse to take out the trash. If you want help with the dishes, don't flop down and declare what a rough day you've had and expect him to jump up and do the dishes--ask him to help you do the dishes. If you want a particular pair of earrings for mother's day, don't drop a hint by admiring the earrings on someone else, just tell your hubby that you would like that particular pair of earrings for mother's day. How simple is that?
The crazy thing is that there are lots of women out there (and I used to be one of them) walking around feeling angry and resentful because their spouse didn't do what she wanted him to do when she never even communicated to him what she wanted. It seems difficult and frustrating at first to actually ask for what you want when you aren't used to the idea, but once you try it, you realize it just makes sense! It would be wonderful if our spouses could all anticipate our every want and need, but they can't!! It would be crazy romantic if our spouse always knew the perfect gift to buy us, but they don't! We need to communicate our wants and wishes--whatever they may be.
We all have expectations. Own your expectations. Communicate them to your spouse. I know from experience marriage can be a happier, more peaceful, and more fair experience if you just own your expectations.
Why do some of us feel that our spouse should just know our wants and needs? Why do we feel like if we have to ask, then it somehow cheapens the experience of getting what we want? Why do we feel like if we drop a hint and our spouse doesn't catch it, they are deliberately ignoring our wishes, and causing us grief? Probably because we watched our parents do it. Maybe because we are not assertive enough to state clearly what we want and how we feel. I guess it doesn't matter why we do it, it is just important to realize what we are doing and stop.
Some spouses are not good at picking up on hints. Some are not good at looking around and noticing what needs to be done. Some are not good at anticipating wants and needs. It is not fair to expect your spouse to know your wants and needs if you do not communicate them. Hint dropping is not communicating. If you want the garbage taken out, don't sniff the air and make a face. Ask your spouse to take out the trash. If you want help with the dishes, don't flop down and declare what a rough day you've had and expect him to jump up and do the dishes--ask him to help you do the dishes. If you want a particular pair of earrings for mother's day, don't drop a hint by admiring the earrings on someone else, just tell your hubby that you would like that particular pair of earrings for mother's day. How simple is that?
The crazy thing is that there are lots of women out there (and I used to be one of them) walking around feeling angry and resentful because their spouse didn't do what she wanted him to do when she never even communicated to him what she wanted. It seems difficult and frustrating at first to actually ask for what you want when you aren't used to the idea, but once you try it, you realize it just makes sense! It would be wonderful if our spouses could all anticipate our every want and need, but they can't!! It would be crazy romantic if our spouse always knew the perfect gift to buy us, but they don't! We need to communicate our wants and wishes--whatever they may be.
We all have expectations. Own your expectations. Communicate them to your spouse. I know from experience marriage can be a happier, more peaceful, and more fair experience if you just own your expectations.
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