Returning to the subject of physical intimacy, I did want to point out that one of the main causes of conflict in this area is selfishness. It confuses me that some men don't seem to realize that if they make their wife's enjoyment of their physical time together a priority, she will be more likely to want to be intimate in the future. This seems like such a no-brainer to me (and it might to you), but surprisingly, there are a lot of men out there who don't seem to get it. Men, be unselfish and patient with your wives. Try putting her needs and desires ahead of your own. Women, be unselfish and generous with your husbands. Be considerate of his desires and feelings.
Everyone wants to feel wanted. But no one wants to feel like a physical object. We all want to feel respected, loved and cherished. Treat your spouse as you want to be treated. I have had some female clients complain to me about the way that their partner grabs or gropes them like they are an object. Our society objectifies women so much, and media is constantly shouting the message that a woman's worth is based on the shape of her body. Pornography feeds into this line of thinking. Men who view pornography tend to see women as an object for their gratification instead of as a beautiful human being with feelings who should be respected. Don't let these mistaken messages seep into your marriage. Cherish your spouse and treat them with respect.
One last word of advice--and this is just my opinion, for what it's worth. Keep the details of your sex life private. What goes on in your bedroom should not be discussed with friends, or joked about with family. Respect your spouse and that sacred part of your relationship enough to treat it with the reverence and respect that it deserves. If you are having problems in that area, discuss your feelings about it with your spouse--not your friends. If you feel you need outside help, seek help from a trusted professional or church leader. I found a quote from Spencer W. Kimball that backs up my opinion: "Sometimes mothers will not relinquish the hold they have had upon their children, and husbands as well as wives return to their mothers and fathers to obtain advice and counsel and to confide, whereas cleaving should be to the wife in most things, and all intimacies should be kept in great secrecy and privacy from others."
In summary, be unselfish. Be kind and considerate of your spouse's feelings. Treat each other with respect, and have enough respect for your relationship to keep the details of your intimacies private.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Time Out
Let me start by asking you a question. Once you or your spouse starts to get angry, does anything good happen in the rest of the communication? I have NEVER met anyone who answered yes to that question. The communication that goes on when you are angry is not going to improve your relationship. As a couple, can you agree that when one (or both) of you is angry, it would be better to take a 5 - 10 minute Time Out to calm down than it would be for you to keep talking at that time? It makes sense, and it is a rule that will save a lot of grief if couples follow it. Hurtful things cannot be unsaid. Physical violence cannot be taken back. The wounds that come from physical or emotional damage run deep, and they can be avoided if you and your spouse agree to walk away and take a break when you are angry. If you want to follow the Time Out procedure, here are the ground rules:
1) Agree on a word or phrase or gesture that means that one of you needs a Time Out.
2) Agree that when one person says they need a Time Out, the other will not argue or complain. When either of you asks for a Time Out, you will get it right away without further discussion.
3) Take 5 - 10 minutes apart to cool off, then come back together and try to resume the discussion.
4) Do not spend any of that time apart trying to come up with more ammunition for your side of the argument. Spend the time cooling down, and then trying to determine what the issue is, and how you can find common ground with your spouse on the issue.
5) Realize that your spouse is not your enemy. Your spouse is not your competition. You are a team. Ask yourself how you can possibly "win" if your teammate "loses." Check your competitiveness, and focus on finding a peaceful solution to the problem or issue at hand.
6) Every time the discussion begins to get heated, take another Time Out. When you are new to this process, it may take 8 Time Outs to get through the discussion. The more you practice, the better you will get at discussing things calmly, and the less Time Outs you will need.
7) Talk to your spouse about this idea and establish the ground rules right away, when you are both feeling calm. Don't try to establish a new procedure when one of you is angry!
Give it a try! It will be really hard to walk away at first, but it gets easier with practice. The end result will be worth the effort.
1) Agree on a word or phrase or gesture that means that one of you needs a Time Out.
2) Agree that when one person says they need a Time Out, the other will not argue or complain. When either of you asks for a Time Out, you will get it right away without further discussion.
3) Take 5 - 10 minutes apart to cool off, then come back together and try to resume the discussion.
4) Do not spend any of that time apart trying to come up with more ammunition for your side of the argument. Spend the time cooling down, and then trying to determine what the issue is, and how you can find common ground with your spouse on the issue.
5) Realize that your spouse is not your enemy. Your spouse is not your competition. You are a team. Ask yourself how you can possibly "win" if your teammate "loses." Check your competitiveness, and focus on finding a peaceful solution to the problem or issue at hand.
6) Every time the discussion begins to get heated, take another Time Out. When you are new to this process, it may take 8 Time Outs to get through the discussion. The more you practice, the better you will get at discussing things calmly, and the less Time Outs you will need.
7) Talk to your spouse about this idea and establish the ground rules right away, when you are both feeling calm. Don't try to establish a new procedure when one of you is angry!
Give it a try! It will be really hard to walk away at first, but it gets easier with practice. The end result will be worth the effort.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Physical Intimacy, Part 2
OK, continuing on with the topic of physical intimacy... Again, I am not an expert and these are just my observations and opinions, based on a minimal amount of counseling experience. Another sexual problem I see frequently among my clients is lack of desire. Many people (usually women), find that their sex drive has dramatically declined, and this is often a cause of conflict between the person and their spouse. There is a lot that can be said on this topic alone. First of all, refer back to my previous post, and remember how important it is to communicate about what is going on. Secondly, look to see if you can find a cause.
One common cause for lack of desire is medication. A decrease in sex drive is a common side effect of many medications. Check with your doctor or pharmacist to see if this is the case with any meds you might be taking. If so, see if you can switch to another medication or eliminate that medication. Obviously your health (including mental health) is a priority, but sometimes we take medication as an "easy way out" when exercise, losing weight, or counseling might help our physical or mental health just as much. I am not against taking medication--I am just proposing that we be very mindful of all the costs and benefits of the medication. Many studies have shown that counseling is just as effective as medication in alleviating anxiety and depression. Many studies have also shown that the most effective treatment for bipolar disorder is medication. We all know that exercising and eating healthier can lower cholesterol and blood pressure. The point is, you might need the medication you are taking. You might not--if you are willing to put in some effort and hard work to make a positive change in your life. So, if your medication is causing a problem with your sex life, see if you can make a change.
Another cause for lack of desire could be hormonal changes that occur in women as they approach menopause. Check with your doctor about this possibility (and possible treatment) as well. Another problem I see frequently is that when a woman has been sexually abused, it can come back to wreak havoc on her sex drive and sex life in the future. Some women think they have moved past the trauma of the abuse, only to have some life event (like childbirth) trigger the resurfacing of the memory and the trauma. If you have been sexually abused (especially if it was your first sexual experience), it is very normal to have a negative reaction to sex, and to feel a lack of desire. Counseling can help you to process the trauma that you have experienced, and to understand and control your feelings about physical intimacy with your spouse. There are many books (and even workbooks) for survivors of abuse that can help the individual work through and understand some of the troubling emotions and reactions they have now as a result of the abuse. Some women feel frustrated when these feeling resurface--feeling like they have already dealt with this issue. Be patient with yourself, and realize that some traumas shake us so deeply to the core that one is never completely rid of the effects of that trauma. But also have hope that you can learn to work through the difficult effects of the trauma, and gain control of your life back.
I don't have time to watch TV, but my sister told me that Dr. Oz says that, "sex begets sex." Meaning, if you aren't physically intimate with your spouse on a regular (frequent) basis, that desire eventually fades and sex becomes less of a priority in your life. If you are physically intimate on a regular basis, your desire level is maintained and you want to continue being physically intimate on a regular basis. I'm not a big Dr. Oz fan, but that theory seems to make sense to me. Some couples seem to get out of the habit of being physically intimate. But that is a dangerous place to be. Physical intimacy brings two people closer together. It is a physical manifestation of their love. If you and your spouse are not physically intimate on a regular basis, it may be time to make a change. Many people have reported that as their sex life improved, so did the state of their marriage. If you are out of the habit, get back into the habit!
Some women report a lack of desire due to emotional abuse from their spouse. Again, physical intimacy is very emotional for women, and if they are not feeling safe, desired, and loved, it is difficult for some women to be intimate with their spouse. Be kind to your spouse. Be loving and considerate. Do not insult or demean your spouse. Treat your spouse the way that you want to be treated.
Some general tips for lack of desire: try to find a cause, be considerate of your spouse's feelings and desires, change things up a little, communicate often, be physically intimate on a regular basis (even if you don't really feel like it), communicate even more, be kind to each other, and don't forget to communicate!
One common cause for lack of desire is medication. A decrease in sex drive is a common side effect of many medications. Check with your doctor or pharmacist to see if this is the case with any meds you might be taking. If so, see if you can switch to another medication or eliminate that medication. Obviously your health (including mental health) is a priority, but sometimes we take medication as an "easy way out" when exercise, losing weight, or counseling might help our physical or mental health just as much. I am not against taking medication--I am just proposing that we be very mindful of all the costs and benefits of the medication. Many studies have shown that counseling is just as effective as medication in alleviating anxiety and depression. Many studies have also shown that the most effective treatment for bipolar disorder is medication. We all know that exercising and eating healthier can lower cholesterol and blood pressure. The point is, you might need the medication you are taking. You might not--if you are willing to put in some effort and hard work to make a positive change in your life. So, if your medication is causing a problem with your sex life, see if you can make a change.
Another cause for lack of desire could be hormonal changes that occur in women as they approach menopause. Check with your doctor about this possibility (and possible treatment) as well. Another problem I see frequently is that when a woman has been sexually abused, it can come back to wreak havoc on her sex drive and sex life in the future. Some women think they have moved past the trauma of the abuse, only to have some life event (like childbirth) trigger the resurfacing of the memory and the trauma. If you have been sexually abused (especially if it was your first sexual experience), it is very normal to have a negative reaction to sex, and to feel a lack of desire. Counseling can help you to process the trauma that you have experienced, and to understand and control your feelings about physical intimacy with your spouse. There are many books (and even workbooks) for survivors of abuse that can help the individual work through and understand some of the troubling emotions and reactions they have now as a result of the abuse. Some women feel frustrated when these feeling resurface--feeling like they have already dealt with this issue. Be patient with yourself, and realize that some traumas shake us so deeply to the core that one is never completely rid of the effects of that trauma. But also have hope that you can learn to work through the difficult effects of the trauma, and gain control of your life back.
I don't have time to watch TV, but my sister told me that Dr. Oz says that, "sex begets sex." Meaning, if you aren't physically intimate with your spouse on a regular (frequent) basis, that desire eventually fades and sex becomes less of a priority in your life. If you are physically intimate on a regular basis, your desire level is maintained and you want to continue being physically intimate on a regular basis. I'm not a big Dr. Oz fan, but that theory seems to make sense to me. Some couples seem to get out of the habit of being physically intimate. But that is a dangerous place to be. Physical intimacy brings two people closer together. It is a physical manifestation of their love. If you and your spouse are not physically intimate on a regular basis, it may be time to make a change. Many people have reported that as their sex life improved, so did the state of their marriage. If you are out of the habit, get back into the habit!
Some women report a lack of desire due to emotional abuse from their spouse. Again, physical intimacy is very emotional for women, and if they are not feeling safe, desired, and loved, it is difficult for some women to be intimate with their spouse. Be kind to your spouse. Be loving and considerate. Do not insult or demean your spouse. Treat your spouse the way that you want to be treated.
Some general tips for lack of desire: try to find a cause, be considerate of your spouse's feelings and desires, change things up a little, communicate often, be physically intimate on a regular basis (even if you don't really feel like it), communicate even more, be kind to each other, and don't forget to communicate!
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