Time Out

Let me start by asking you a question.  Once you or your spouse starts to get angry, does anything good happen in the rest of the communication?  I have NEVER met anyone who answered yes to that question.  The communication that goes on when you are angry is not going to improve your relationship.  As a couple, can you agree that when one (or both) of you is angry, it would be better to take a 5 - 10 minute Time Out to calm down than it would be for you to keep talking at that time?  It makes sense, and it is a rule that will save a lot of grief if couples follow it.  Hurtful things cannot be unsaid.  Physical violence cannot be taken back.  The wounds that come from physical or emotional damage run deep, and they can be avoided if you and your spouse agree to walk away and take a break when you are angry.  If you want to follow the Time Out procedure, here are the ground rules:
1) Agree on a word or phrase or gesture that means that one of you needs a Time Out.
2)  Agree that when one person says they need a Time Out, the other will not argue or complain.  When either of you asks for a Time Out, you will get it right away without further discussion.
3)  Take 5 - 10 minutes apart to cool off, then come back together and try to resume the discussion.
4)  Do not spend any of that time apart trying to come up with more ammunition for your side of the argument. Spend the time cooling down, and then trying to determine what the issue is, and how you can find common ground with your spouse on the issue. 
5) Realize that your spouse is not your enemy.  Your spouse is not your competition.  You are a team.  Ask yourself how you can possibly "win" if your teammate "loses."  Check your competitiveness, and focus on finding a peaceful solution to the problem or issue at hand. 
6) Every time the discussion begins to get heated, take another Time Out.  When you are new to this process, it may take 8 Time Outs to get through the discussion.  The more you practice, the better you will get at discussing things calmly, and the less Time Outs you will need. 
7)  Talk to your spouse about this idea and establish the ground rules right away, when you are both feeling calm.  Don't try to establish a new procedure when one of you is angry!
     Give it a try!  It will be really hard to walk away at first, but it gets easier with practice.  The end result will be worth the effort.