OK, continuing on with the topic of physical intimacy... Again, I am not an expert and these are just my observations and opinions, based on a minimal amount of counseling experience. Another sexual problem I see frequently among my clients is lack of desire. Many people (usually women), find that their sex drive has dramatically declined, and this is often a cause of conflict between the person and their spouse. There is a lot that can be said on this topic alone. First of all, refer back to my previous post, and remember how important it is to communicate about what is going on. Secondly, look to see if you can find a cause.
One common cause for lack of desire is medication. A decrease in sex drive is a common side effect of many medications. Check with your doctor or pharmacist to see if this is the case with any meds you might be taking. If so, see if you can switch to another medication or eliminate that medication. Obviously your health (including mental health) is a priority, but sometimes we take medication as an "easy way out" when exercise, losing weight, or counseling might help our physical or mental health just as much. I am not against taking medication--I am just proposing that we be very mindful of all the costs and benefits of the medication. Many studies have shown that counseling is just as effective as medication in alleviating anxiety and depression. Many studies have also shown that the most effective treatment for bipolar disorder is medication. We all know that exercising and eating healthier can lower cholesterol and blood pressure. The point is, you might need the medication you are taking. You might not--if you are willing to put in some effort and hard work to make a positive change in your life. So, if your medication is causing a problem with your sex life, see if you can make a change.
Another cause for lack of desire could be hormonal changes that occur in women as they approach menopause. Check with your doctor about this possibility (and possible treatment) as well. Another problem I see frequently is that when a woman has been sexually abused, it can come back to wreak havoc on her sex drive and sex life in the future. Some women think they have moved past the trauma of the abuse, only to have some life event (like childbirth) trigger the resurfacing of the memory and the trauma. If you have been sexually abused (especially if it was your first sexual experience), it is very normal to have a negative reaction to sex, and to feel a lack of desire. Counseling can help you to process the trauma that you have experienced, and to understand and control your feelings about physical intimacy with your spouse. There are many books (and even workbooks) for survivors of abuse that can help the individual work through and understand some of the troubling emotions and reactions they have now as a result of the abuse. Some women feel frustrated when these feeling resurface--feeling like they have already dealt with this issue. Be patient with yourself, and realize that some traumas shake us so deeply to the core that one is never completely rid of the effects of that trauma. But also have hope that you can learn to work through the difficult effects of the trauma, and gain control of your life back.
I don't have time to watch TV, but my sister told me that Dr. Oz says that, "sex begets sex." Meaning, if you aren't physically intimate with your spouse on a regular (frequent) basis, that desire eventually fades and sex becomes less of a priority in your life. If you are physically intimate on a regular basis, your desire level is maintained and you want to continue being physically intimate on a regular basis. I'm not a big Dr. Oz fan, but that theory seems to make sense to me. Some couples seem to get out of the habit of being physically intimate. But that is a dangerous place to be. Physical intimacy brings two people closer together. It is a physical manifestation of their love. If you and your spouse are not physically intimate on a regular basis, it may be time to make a change. Many people have reported that as their sex life improved, so did the state of their marriage. If you are out of the habit, get back into the habit!
Some women report a lack of desire due to emotional abuse from their spouse. Again, physical intimacy is very emotional for women, and if they are not feeling safe, desired, and loved, it is difficult for some women to be intimate with their spouse. Be kind to your spouse. Be loving and considerate. Do not insult or demean your spouse. Treat your spouse the way that you want to be treated.
Some general tips for lack of desire: try to find a cause, be considerate of your spouse's feelings and desires, change things up a little, communicate often, be physically intimate on a regular basis (even if you don't really feel like it), communicate even more, be kind to each other, and don't forget to communicate!
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