Marriage Counseling

Most people think of marriage counseling as kind of a last-ditch effort people make to save a failing marriage.  If that's what you think, it's time to stop and re-think! :)

I'm going to share a story with you.  A good friend of mine had a parent that was verbally and emotionally abusive to her while she was growing up.  This friend is a wife and mom, and has a very ideal-looking life.  Unfortunately, she is plagued with depression, anxiety, guilt, self-doubt, and a nagging sense that she will never be "good enough."  Sadly, when a parent tells a child those messages over and over, the child grows up believing it.  She has resisted going to counseling, insisting that she is fine, and that everyone has problems.

In the past, whenever I suggested that she try counseling, she would reply, "Why don't YOU try counseling?"  So then, I started working on getting my master's in counseling, and my professors encouraged all of the students in the program to go to counseling on a regular basis.  I began to realize that counseling is helpful to everyone in every situation.  So I started going to counseling (and really loved the experience), and then I suggested again to my friend that she try going to counseling.  This time, what could she say?  So she went.  This was about a year ago.  Recently, she opened up to me about how counseling has affected her life.  She said that counseling has probably saved her life, and has definitely improved her life immeasurably.   She has learned so much about herself and how to come to terms with her past, and how to handle her future.

Then she told me about how she brought her husband along to a counseling session because she wanted her husband to meet her counselor.  This friend has a great marriage.  They get along well and rarely have conflicts.  This friend would have never gone to marriage counseling because she didn't feel she needed it.  But with a few key questions from the counselor, both my friend and her husband realized that they could benefit from learning some communication techniques, and from talking about how they feel.  So they started attending some sessions together, and they could not believe how much they benefited from marriage counseling.  They both gained a deeper appreciation for the other, and they learned about each others' communication styles.  She discovered that when he said "X" he really meant "Y,"  and he discovered how to say "Y" when that is what he meant.  They loved marriage counseling, and both felt that it helped their good marriage to be even better.  

So, my message is #1: Counseling is great!  It is not scary.  Going does not mean that there is something wrong with you.  We live in a crazy, busy, hectic world where we rarely take the time to think about our lives, our relationships, and our feelings.  We rarely take the time to talk to someone else about our fears, our problems, and our real selves.  Counseling helps us to sort out how we are feeling.  Counseling helps us to learn coping skills to deal with life's craziness.  In short, don't be afraid to go to counseling.

AND message #2: Marriage counseling is most helpful when the marriage is not in a crisis.  Marriage counseling is much easier and more enjoyable when both parties are not at the end of their ropes!  Marriage counseling can help a deeply troubled marriage, but it can also greatly help a good marriage.

(Posted by Cherene)

Marriage Article - Is 15 daily things too many?

I've been invited to contribute to a new website FamilyHow.com and I'm excited to share my first article that has been published there.

15 daily things to do to strengthen your marriage

I mentioned the title of this article to a friend who said, "If I have to do 15 things a day for my marriage, I'm working too hard." Kidding aside, can we make a greater investment in one of our most important relationships?

The focus of the article is on the simple things we already do that can cultivate kind feelings for our spouse. It certainly isn't a complete list, and every couple is different, but I tried to include as many universal activities as I could. I always love to hear what you think & I hope you find it useful.

Posted by Tamara

Strangling Your Husband Is Not An Option - Book Review

Reading this book is like having a conversation with your big sister, who happens to have a fantastic sense of humor and a strong handle on marriage relationships. Her approach is bold, direct and refreshing. Especially in a world where there is little support for one of a woman's most fulfilling roles.



The Visual Aid:

Title: Strangling Your Husband is NOT an Option
Author: Merrilee Boyack

Publisher: Deseret Book

Year: 2006

How I found it: Saw it on the shelf and laughed out loud!

Available on Amazon - Here

Audience: This book is written for women, specifically wives. 

Paperback, 184 pages

                

      

Book Description:

"Things can get pretty crazy in marital relationships. As one reviewer has said, “What wife hasn’t felt like strangling her husband at least once during their marriage?” With her lighthearted personality and humor, author Merrilee Boyack shares twenty-five years’ worth of marital perspective in this practical guide to improve any marriage. As an estate-planning attorney, Merrilee has dealt with many struggling couples going through divorce. (Seven-year marriages seem to have the greatest challenges.) She offers practical tips for women who want to better understand men (particularly their husbands) and build happier marriages. She invites women to dump the guilt, be open enough to learn about areas they’d like to improve, and then take the steps to make those changes. Readers will also find a wealth of fun and practical advice in chapters like “The Five ‘Don’ts’ and Five ‘Do’s’ of Wifehood,” “But How Do I Change My Husband?” and “No, Really, How Can I Change Him?”

The Gist & What I appreciate:

This is how to be a wife 101, 202 and 303 combined. Don't roll your eyes. It's not what you think. In fact, Merrilee makes you think about how you treat your husband. What I appreciate is that she is anti husband-bashing! I think our culture has developed a sad tolerance of the mistreatment of men by various kinds of unhappy women. She holds wives to the standard of treatment we expect from our husbands.

     

Quote from page 18:

                "A great gift we can give our husbands is to be content and not make stuff more important than them. We can focus on living modestly and being appreciative of the life they provide for us." Later on page 19 she says, "Walk through your house with the eyes of an orphan. We live in opulence."

Quote from page 27:

              ". . . Start meeting your own emotional needs."

Quote from page 46:
             "Get out a piece of paper and a pen. Write at the top "Great Things about My Husband. Now start to write a list. Write down the way he holds your hand. . . Write down that he took care of the whole house when you came down with the stomach flu.Write down how he looked across the altar when you were married." Later on page 47, "Value your husband. Value him deeply. In fact, get a "Why I Love My Husband" book and write down every day some little thing that's wonderful about him or something nice he did. It will transform your marriage. It will transform you."

My two cents:
            I enjoy the humor she applies to everyday life. Don't be fooled, though. One minute you're chuckling and the next you may be squirming as she calls you out on socially acceptable behavior that you know isn't good for your marriage. (See page 9, "Well, if I was your husband, I wouldn't talk to you either.")
           This is easy to read, maybe harder to absorb, but well worth the effort. It's not all do's and don'ts - she has chapters for self-development and being a 'fun-living wife,' with lots of great ideas and practical, usable advice.

                

Up Next:
           Side by Side: Supporting a Spouse in Church Service by Jeanette Goates Smith (unless I feel like re-reading something else this week :)

( Dear FTC, I bought the book. I know I buy a lot of books. At least this one was on sale, but I'd buy it again even if it wasn't. )

Posted by Tamara