The info presented in this post is taken from an article in Connections Magazine, Summer 2012 issue, titled "The Science Behind Successful Marriage" by Christina Sanders.
What makes a marriage successful? A number of contributing factors influence the quality and overall success of your marriage. Some of the biggies include: Family of Origin, Values, Personality, Communication, and Conflict.
Family of Origin: What happens to you in your family of origin, and how you interpret relationships based on what happened to you effects your marriage. Researchers have found that levels of emotional readiness, kindness, and flexibility are higher in those who have higher levels of positive family background.
Values: Those who tend to be more focused on the relationship and less on personal success make better marriage partners.
Personality: Personality traits such as kindness, sociability, calmness, organization, flexibility, maturity, happiness, self-esteem, and religiosity all effect the marriage relationship. In marriage, kindness and flexibility have been shown to be the two most important personality traits because they are necessary for effective communication and conflict resolution.
Communication: Skills such as listening, communicating respectfully, and showing empathy and love are very important for a successful marriage.
Conflict Style: There are several different ways to handle conflict. Couples don't necessarily have to have the same conflict style, but there are certain pairings of conflict styles that can present a red flag for a relationship.
Avoidant Style: I avoid conflict, and feel that problems have a way of working themselves out.
Validating Style: I discuss difficult issues, but I remain calm and let others know that their feelings and opinions are valued, even if they are different from mine. I look for compromises.
Volatile Style: I debate and argue until issues are resolved. My arguing can be intense, but I balance it with loving expressions. I believe that arguing strongly is how differences are resolved.
Hostile Style: I get upset when I argue, and at times insult my spouse using put-downs or sarcasm. I have difficulty listening to my spouse because I am trying to make my point. Sometimes I have very negative feelings toward my spouse when we have a conflict.
Research has shown that the best pairings of conflict style are those in which one of the partners is validating. Having a hostile conflict style is always damaging to a relationship. One pairing that can be particularly problematic is when one partner is volatile and the other is avoidant. Couples in this situation tend to misinterpret their spouse's actions.
In presenting the information from this article, I want you to think about how your family of origin affects your marriage today. I want you to evaluate how much you value your relationship over personal success. I want you to think about what personality traits you naturally possess, and what personality traits you may need to work on cultivating. I want you to think about how you communicate, and how you handle conflict, and if there is room for improvement, make a change. If you came from a very troubled family of origin, and you tend to use the hostile conflict style, it doesn't mean you can't have a successful marriage. It just means that you might have to do some introspection, and make a conscious effort to make a positive change. The important thing is being willing to change, and being committed to your spouse and to the relationship.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Forgiving
It's been a while! Sorry I have been neglecting this blog lately. I have recently been thinking about forgiveness, and have really appreciated the following quote. As I read it again this morning, I thought about how often in our marriages we are faced with the difficult task of forgiving. I think forgiving is one of the hardest things that we are asked to do in this life. In marriage, it is essential to be able to forgive your spouse in order to be happy. Holding on to hurt and anger is like inviting and embracing poison into our hearts. Nothing good comes from staying angry or holding a grudge. We think that we are wounding the other person, but really, we are hurting ourselves. In marriage, you are a partnership. Never forget that you are on the same team!! Here's the quote I wanted to share:
"We are not perfect. The people around us are not perfect. People do things that annoy, disappoint, and anger. In this mortal life it will always be that way. Nevertheless, we must let go of our grievances. Part of the purpose of mortality is to learn how to let go of such things. That is the Lord's way. Remember that heaven is filled with those who have this in common: They are forgiven. And they forgive. Lay your burden at the Savior's feet. Let go of judgement. Allow Christ's Atonement to change and heal your heart. Love one another. Forgive one another." ~Dieter F. Uchtdorf
"We are not perfect. The people around us are not perfect. People do things that annoy, disappoint, and anger. In this mortal life it will always be that way. Nevertheless, we must let go of our grievances. Part of the purpose of mortality is to learn how to let go of such things. That is the Lord's way. Remember that heaven is filled with those who have this in common: They are forgiven. And they forgive. Lay your burden at the Savior's feet. Let go of judgement. Allow Christ's Atonement to change and heal your heart. Love one another. Forgive one another." ~Dieter F. Uchtdorf
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Trust
Trust is a tricky topic, because there are so many elements that make up trust in a marriage relationship. There is not necessarily a "right" or "wrong" way handle things when your trust has been violated by your spouse. There are many factors to consider when deciding how to proceed. I am definitely not saying that you should always overlook betrayals and continue to trust your spouse after they have hurt you. I just want to give you some things to think about when your spouse has betrayed your trust. I'm not just talking about adultery either. There are many ways that trust can be broken. Cheating on your spouse is definitely one of them, but other ways that trust is damaged include: lying, viewing pornography, having an inappropriate relationship (even it's "just a friendship"), deceiving your spouse, and more. If you are the injured party, you may feel that you can no longer trust your spouse.
The first thing you need to decide is if you want to continue the relationship. If so, you need to ask yourself, "What is my lack of trust costing me?" Unfortunately, the burden for repairing and restoring the relationship is mostly on you. I know it's not fair, but that's the way it is. You get cheated on, and then you have the extremely difficult task of letting go of the anger and mistrust. Your spouse can (and should) apologize and commit not to repeat the offending behavior, but now the responsibility is yours to get your relationship back on track. It is so hard to forgive and let go of anger when you have been deeply hurt. But if you are committed to the relationship, you need to realize that the anger and mistrust are not going to help you feel better, and are not going to help your relationship. Forgiving your spouse is not "letting him off the hook." Forgiving your spouse is cleansing yourself of the bitterness and negativity that can poison you and make you continually miserable. It is really for your own good that you need to forgive. If you need help, pray for help. If you don't even have the desire to want to forgive, start there. Ask the Lord for the desire to want to forgive. It is extremely hard work, and takes a lot of time, but the peace you'll have is very worth the effort that it takes to forgive.
Once you have forgiven your spouse, the mistrust may still linger. It is normal to feel insecure after your trust has been broken. It is healthy and important to communicate these feelings to your spouse. But the hard part is expressing the insecurity without blame and anger. Together, you may be able to come up with something that your spouse can do to reassure you and increase your trust. But keep in mind that trust isn't trust unless there's risk. In order to trust again, we always have to push past the place where we are comfortable and give our spouse a chance to make a mistake. The growing edge of trust is always in an uncomfortable place. Again, allowing the risk is uncomfortable and is hard work, but the peace you can have once you have learned to trust again will be worth it. Everyone makes mistakes. I believe every marriage will have some degree of broken trust and hurt at some point. We are all human, and all make mistakes. Some people and some relationships are worth enduring hurt, pain, and betrayal (some are not). Those relationships that are worth the effort will grow stronger as you forgive and learn to trust again.
The first thing you need to decide is if you want to continue the relationship. If so, you need to ask yourself, "What is my lack of trust costing me?" Unfortunately, the burden for repairing and restoring the relationship is mostly on you. I know it's not fair, but that's the way it is. You get cheated on, and then you have the extremely difficult task of letting go of the anger and mistrust. Your spouse can (and should) apologize and commit not to repeat the offending behavior, but now the responsibility is yours to get your relationship back on track. It is so hard to forgive and let go of anger when you have been deeply hurt. But if you are committed to the relationship, you need to realize that the anger and mistrust are not going to help you feel better, and are not going to help your relationship. Forgiving your spouse is not "letting him off the hook." Forgiving your spouse is cleansing yourself of the bitterness and negativity that can poison you and make you continually miserable. It is really for your own good that you need to forgive. If you need help, pray for help. If you don't even have the desire to want to forgive, start there. Ask the Lord for the desire to want to forgive. It is extremely hard work, and takes a lot of time, but the peace you'll have is very worth the effort that it takes to forgive.
Once you have forgiven your spouse, the mistrust may still linger. It is normal to feel insecure after your trust has been broken. It is healthy and important to communicate these feelings to your spouse. But the hard part is expressing the insecurity without blame and anger. Together, you may be able to come up with something that your spouse can do to reassure you and increase your trust. But keep in mind that trust isn't trust unless there's risk. In order to trust again, we always have to push past the place where we are comfortable and give our spouse a chance to make a mistake. The growing edge of trust is always in an uncomfortable place. Again, allowing the risk is uncomfortable and is hard work, but the peace you can have once you have learned to trust again will be worth it. Everyone makes mistakes. I believe every marriage will have some degree of broken trust and hurt at some point. We are all human, and all make mistakes. Some people and some relationships are worth enduring hurt, pain, and betrayal (some are not). Those relationships that are worth the effort will grow stronger as you forgive and learn to trust again.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Next Topic: Trust
I'm gathering my thoughts about Trust, and promise to post them soon. In the meantime, ponder this quote: "It is better to suffer wrong than to do it, and happier to be sometimes cheated than not to trust." ~Samuel Johnson
Friday, April 20, 2012
Anger, Values, and Power
I just have a few more thoughts about anger. First let's look at one of the reasons why we choose to become angry. One reason is because we are imposing our value system onto someone else. We all have an internal moral compass that guides our actions and choices. Each person's moral compass is unique to them. Even within a group that supposedly shares moral guidelines (like a church), if you ask each member about the 'rightness' or 'wrongness' about a handful of issues, you're likely to get a lot of different answers (some examples within the LDS church might include: watching PG-13 movies, watching sports on Sunday, drinking caffeine, how much to donate for fast offerings...the list goes on and on). What you think is right or wrong is personal to you. Don't try to export your value system onto someone else. When you and your spouse have differing moral compasses, it makes life a little more challenging. If you find yourself feeling angry because your spouse isn't "supposed to" to XYZ, think about the fact that your spouse has a different moral compass than you, and you might be placing unfair expectations onto them. Maybe it's time to have a conversation about your different viewpoints or different expectations. Compromise is important, as is your attitude. Feeling (and acting) self-righteously will not help the situation. Of course I'm not saying that if your wife wants to go out and rob a bank, you should support that because her value system is different from yours. I'm suggesting that if you find yourself choosing to get angry and saying to yourself, "My spouse should be doing ___, or shouldn't be doing ____" then it is time to stop and think about why you have those expectations, and to have a conversation with your spouse about your feelings.
A different way to think about anger is to think about power dynamics. Everyone wants to have power. Little kids call each other names on the playground because it gives them a sense of power over someone else. Do you ever find yourself doing or saying something because you know it's going to get under someone else's skin? It's about power! When you push your spouse's buttons and they get angry, you feel a certain sense of power over them, right? And when you choose to get angry, you are giving some of your power away to someone else. Think about this: If you get angry every time your spouse does (or says) X (fill in the blank with your own personal pet peeve), you might think the easiest way for you not to get angry is for your spouse not to do X. BUT, you can be happy even if your spouse does X. You have the power to not get angry when your spouse does X!! The easiest way for you not to get angry is for you to choose not to get angry when your spouse does X. You cannot control anyone else. You cannot control what they say or do. You CAN control your reaction to anyone or anything. You have the power. By choosing not to get angry, you are keeping your power (or taking it back). The next time you feel yourself feeling angry, think about the power you're about to give to someone else. Decide to keep your power, and choose not to get angry. Your happiness is not dependent on anyone else doing (or not doing) anything. You have the power to choose to be happy no matter what the circumstances are. It's empowering to know that you are in control of your anger and your power. Keeping your anger under control keeps your power safe with you, and keeps your marriage a happier place to be.
A different way to think about anger is to think about power dynamics. Everyone wants to have power. Little kids call each other names on the playground because it gives them a sense of power over someone else. Do you ever find yourself doing or saying something because you know it's going to get under someone else's skin? It's about power! When you push your spouse's buttons and they get angry, you feel a certain sense of power over them, right? And when you choose to get angry, you are giving some of your power away to someone else. Think about this: If you get angry every time your spouse does (or says) X (fill in the blank with your own personal pet peeve), you might think the easiest way for you not to get angry is for your spouse not to do X. BUT, you can be happy even if your spouse does X. You have the power to not get angry when your spouse does X!! The easiest way for you not to get angry is for you to choose not to get angry when your spouse does X. You cannot control anyone else. You cannot control what they say or do. You CAN control your reaction to anyone or anything. You have the power. By choosing not to get angry, you are keeping your power (or taking it back). The next time you feel yourself feeling angry, think about the power you're about to give to someone else. Decide to keep your power, and choose not to get angry. Your happiness is not dependent on anyone else doing (or not doing) anything. You have the power to choose to be happy no matter what the circumstances are. It's empowering to know that you are in control of your anger and your power. Keeping your anger under control keeps your power safe with you, and keeps your marriage a happier place to be.
Friday, March 23, 2012
More About Anger
Some facts about anger: 1) Anger is stored. 2) We only have a certain tolerance for anger and 3) Anger is a secondary emotion. First, it's important to realize that anger is stored and builds within us. That's why sometimes you can hold it together when something really provoking happens, but other times, you lose it when something small irks you. We all have a certain tolerance for handling anger, and we all have a breaking point. It is important to know yourself, and know your limits. How can you deal with anger, other than exploding, yelling, crying, blaming, and causing a scene? Exercise is great. Thinking things through can really help (see the last post about taking responsibility for our feelings). Talking to someone (venting) can help. In marriage, talking about your feelings is really, really important to prevent explosions and huge, emotionally charged arguments. Every time I feel really angry about something in my marriage, when I discuss it calmly with my husband and tell him my feelings, I am always surprised when I hear his point of view on the matter, and learn a different perspective that I hadn't considered. So many of our conflicts come from misunderstandings that can be alleviated by honest communication. It is scary to communicate something negative to your spouse. That's why many of us avoid honestly talking to our spouse about what is bothering us, and then we end up exploding in anger. But if you can wait until you are feeling calm, then the communication can clear up misunderstandings, clear the air, and prevent future conflicts.
I think I have mentioned before that anger is a secondary emotion. This means that when something happens, anger is not usually your first response. There is usually some underlying emotion that is your initial reaction, that is followed by anger. That primary emotion could be pain, embarrassment, fear, or something along those lines. This fact can be surprising to many. A lot of times, we don't notice or pay attention to the primary feeling. The anger comes close on it's heels, and is easier to experience and express than the primary emotion. For example, if your spouse says, "How could you spend so much money on something we don't need?" your primary emotion might be guilt, but it is quickly replaced by anger, and your response might be an angry retort. Here's a very important fact: IN GENERAL, PEOPLE RESPOND MUCH BETTER TO EXPRESSION OF THE PRIMARY EMOTION THAN TO EXPRESSION OF ANGER. Think about that. Think back to the last time you got really angry. What was the primary emotion (your first initial reaction feeling) before you felt angry. (This may take some time and serious reflection to uncover.) Now imagine how the ensuing conflict would have proceeded if you had expressed that primary emotion instead of expressing the anger. Quite a different picture, huh? If you think about it, the things that elicit the most extreme emotions from us are the things that hit closest to home--that are a little too close to the truth. If my husband complained that I travel too much, it wouldn't bother me much because it's not true. I might disagree, but I don't think I would feel angry. If my husband complained that I am a terrible housekeeper, now that hurts--because there is a bit of truth in that (or at least some perceived weakness on my part), and I would be much more likely to take offense and lash back at that comment. Now that I realize this truth, will it be easy for me to avoid getting angry? Sadly, no. BUT it might be EASIER to avoid getting angry than if I didn't realize what was happening behind the scenes of my emotional happenings. Knowledge is power, so let's know ourselves and use that knowledge to give us the power to avoid letting our anger get out of control. There is no easy way to avoid getting angry, but like anything in life, if you work at it, you'll get better. So keep your head up, and keep on working on getting and keeping your anger in check. Your marriage will be a happier place! :)
I think I have mentioned before that anger is a secondary emotion. This means that when something happens, anger is not usually your first response. There is usually some underlying emotion that is your initial reaction, that is followed by anger. That primary emotion could be pain, embarrassment, fear, or something along those lines. This fact can be surprising to many. A lot of times, we don't notice or pay attention to the primary feeling. The anger comes close on it's heels, and is easier to experience and express than the primary emotion. For example, if your spouse says, "How could you spend so much money on something we don't need?" your primary emotion might be guilt, but it is quickly replaced by anger, and your response might be an angry retort. Here's a very important fact: IN GENERAL, PEOPLE RESPOND MUCH BETTER TO EXPRESSION OF THE PRIMARY EMOTION THAN TO EXPRESSION OF ANGER. Think about that. Think back to the last time you got really angry. What was the primary emotion (your first initial reaction feeling) before you felt angry. (This may take some time and serious reflection to uncover.) Now imagine how the ensuing conflict would have proceeded if you had expressed that primary emotion instead of expressing the anger. Quite a different picture, huh? If you think about it, the things that elicit the most extreme emotions from us are the things that hit closest to home--that are a little too close to the truth. If my husband complained that I travel too much, it wouldn't bother me much because it's not true. I might disagree, but I don't think I would feel angry. If my husband complained that I am a terrible housekeeper, now that hurts--because there is a bit of truth in that (or at least some perceived weakness on my part), and I would be much more likely to take offense and lash back at that comment. Now that I realize this truth, will it be easy for me to avoid getting angry? Sadly, no. BUT it might be EASIER to avoid getting angry than if I didn't realize what was happening behind the scenes of my emotional happenings. Knowledge is power, so let's know ourselves and use that knowledge to give us the power to avoid letting our anger get out of control. There is no easy way to avoid getting angry, but like anything in life, if you work at it, you'll get better. So keep your head up, and keep on working on getting and keeping your anger in check. Your marriage will be a happier place! :)
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Anger 101
One theme I notice coming up over and over again with a lot of my clients is anger. Again there is too much to say in one post, so I will break it up into smaller pieces. Here is my first take on anger. A lot of people have trouble controlling their anger. Usually the people who seek counseling for help with their anger are people who tend to explode in anger, yell, and maybe even get violent. At times I have felt smug because I don't get angry very often, and I rarely express my anger. I have learned though, that keeping anger bottled up inside can be just as damaging to a relationship as exploding in anger. And when you think you are keeping your anger in, it is often seeping out in little ways, like snide remarks, withholding compliments or affection, criticism, impatience...the list goes on and on. Do any of these sound familiar? So the problem of anger is not only a problem for the yellers, the explosive fighters, or the violent reactors. It is a problem for all of us who ever get angry. And that's everyone, right?
One problem is that in our society, we blame others for our anger. If someone "makes us angry" then we expect that person to apologize to us. If I am angry with you, and I'm expecting you to apologize about it, I am not holding myself accountable for my feelings. I am blaming my feelings on you. From the time we are very young, we learn to blame our anger on other people. "She made me mad!" The cold, hard truth is that only we can "make" ourselves mad. Your spouse can't make you mad. You make yourself mad at the things your spouse does. Step out of the victim mentality. No one is making you feel any way. You can choose to feel however you want. Try saying, "I made myself mad about...(what she said)". This problem of blaming someone for your anger is magnified in abusive relationships. The victim often takes too much responsibility for the abuser's feelings. "He only hit me because I said ____. I shouldn't have made him so mad." Can you see what's so very wrong about that line of thinking?
We all need to realize that it isn't what happens to us that makes us angry. It is what we do with it that causes us to be angry. If someone cuts me off in traffic, I don't have to get angry. I can choose to think, "That poor guy is probably late for something important," or "Wow, I'm glad I didn't crash into that car," or "It's frustrating when someone cuts me off, but it's not worth getting mad over, so I'll just take a deep breath and choose to let it go." The reality is that most people don't drive around with the intent of making other drivers mad. When someone cuts you off, it is usually because they are in a rush or maybe didn't realize that you were right there. But honestly, it doesn't matter what that person's intent was. Even if that driver was intentionally trying to make you angry, you still have the choice to get angry or not. What does all this have to do with marriage? A lot. Right now, I'm just trying to help you to look at anger in a more realistic way so that you realize that anger is not uncontrollable or inevitable. You are in control of your feelings. So, think about that, and I will be posting much more about anger soon!!
One problem is that in our society, we blame others for our anger. If someone "makes us angry" then we expect that person to apologize to us. If I am angry with you, and I'm expecting you to apologize about it, I am not holding myself accountable for my feelings. I am blaming my feelings on you. From the time we are very young, we learn to blame our anger on other people. "She made me mad!" The cold, hard truth is that only we can "make" ourselves mad. Your spouse can't make you mad. You make yourself mad at the things your spouse does. Step out of the victim mentality. No one is making you feel any way. You can choose to feel however you want. Try saying, "I made myself mad about...(what she said)". This problem of blaming someone for your anger is magnified in abusive relationships. The victim often takes too much responsibility for the abuser's feelings. "He only hit me because I said ____. I shouldn't have made him so mad." Can you see what's so very wrong about that line of thinking?
We all need to realize that it isn't what happens to us that makes us angry. It is what we do with it that causes us to be angry. If someone cuts me off in traffic, I don't have to get angry. I can choose to think, "That poor guy is probably late for something important," or "Wow, I'm glad I didn't crash into that car," or "It's frustrating when someone cuts me off, but it's not worth getting mad over, so I'll just take a deep breath and choose to let it go." The reality is that most people don't drive around with the intent of making other drivers mad. When someone cuts you off, it is usually because they are in a rush or maybe didn't realize that you were right there. But honestly, it doesn't matter what that person's intent was. Even if that driver was intentionally trying to make you angry, you still have the choice to get angry or not. What does all this have to do with marriage? A lot. Right now, I'm just trying to help you to look at anger in a more realistic way so that you realize that anger is not uncontrollable or inevitable. You are in control of your feelings. So, think about that, and I will be posting much more about anger soon!!
Monday, January 30, 2012
Physical Intimacy, Part 3
Returning to the subject of physical intimacy, I did want to point out that one of the main causes of conflict in this area is selfishness. It confuses me that some men don't seem to realize that if they make their wife's enjoyment of their physical time together a priority, she will be more likely to want to be intimate in the future. This seems like such a no-brainer to me (and it might to you), but surprisingly, there are a lot of men out there who don't seem to get it. Men, be unselfish and patient with your wives. Try putting her needs and desires ahead of your own. Women, be unselfish and generous with your husbands. Be considerate of his desires and feelings.
Everyone wants to feel wanted. But no one wants to feel like a physical object. We all want to feel respected, loved and cherished. Treat your spouse as you want to be treated. I have had some female clients complain to me about the way that their partner grabs or gropes them like they are an object. Our society objectifies women so much, and media is constantly shouting the message that a woman's worth is based on the shape of her body. Pornography feeds into this line of thinking. Men who view pornography tend to see women as an object for their gratification instead of as a beautiful human being with feelings who should be respected. Don't let these mistaken messages seep into your marriage. Cherish your spouse and treat them with respect.
One last word of advice--and this is just my opinion, for what it's worth. Keep the details of your sex life private. What goes on in your bedroom should not be discussed with friends, or joked about with family. Respect your spouse and that sacred part of your relationship enough to treat it with the reverence and respect that it deserves. If you are having problems in that area, discuss your feelings about it with your spouse--not your friends. If you feel you need outside help, seek help from a trusted professional or church leader. I found a quote from Spencer W. Kimball that backs up my opinion: "Sometimes mothers will not relinquish the hold they have had upon their children, and husbands as well as wives return to their mothers and fathers to obtain advice and counsel and to confide, whereas cleaving should be to the wife in most things, and all intimacies should be kept in great secrecy and privacy from others."
In summary, be unselfish. Be kind and considerate of your spouse's feelings. Treat each other with respect, and have enough respect for your relationship to keep the details of your intimacies private.
Everyone wants to feel wanted. But no one wants to feel like a physical object. We all want to feel respected, loved and cherished. Treat your spouse as you want to be treated. I have had some female clients complain to me about the way that their partner grabs or gropes them like they are an object. Our society objectifies women so much, and media is constantly shouting the message that a woman's worth is based on the shape of her body. Pornography feeds into this line of thinking. Men who view pornography tend to see women as an object for their gratification instead of as a beautiful human being with feelings who should be respected. Don't let these mistaken messages seep into your marriage. Cherish your spouse and treat them with respect.
One last word of advice--and this is just my opinion, for what it's worth. Keep the details of your sex life private. What goes on in your bedroom should not be discussed with friends, or joked about with family. Respect your spouse and that sacred part of your relationship enough to treat it with the reverence and respect that it deserves. If you are having problems in that area, discuss your feelings about it with your spouse--not your friends. If you feel you need outside help, seek help from a trusted professional or church leader. I found a quote from Spencer W. Kimball that backs up my opinion: "Sometimes mothers will not relinquish the hold they have had upon their children, and husbands as well as wives return to their mothers and fathers to obtain advice and counsel and to confide, whereas cleaving should be to the wife in most things, and all intimacies should be kept in great secrecy and privacy from others."
In summary, be unselfish. Be kind and considerate of your spouse's feelings. Treat each other with respect, and have enough respect for your relationship to keep the details of your intimacies private.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Time Out
Let me start by asking you a question. Once you or your spouse starts to get angry, does anything good happen in the rest of the communication? I have NEVER met anyone who answered yes to that question. The communication that goes on when you are angry is not going to improve your relationship. As a couple, can you agree that when one (or both) of you is angry, it would be better to take a 5 - 10 minute Time Out to calm down than it would be for you to keep talking at that time? It makes sense, and it is a rule that will save a lot of grief if couples follow it. Hurtful things cannot be unsaid. Physical violence cannot be taken back. The wounds that come from physical or emotional damage run deep, and they can be avoided if you and your spouse agree to walk away and take a break when you are angry. If you want to follow the Time Out procedure, here are the ground rules:
1) Agree on a word or phrase or gesture that means that one of you needs a Time Out.
2) Agree that when one person says they need a Time Out, the other will not argue or complain. When either of you asks for a Time Out, you will get it right away without further discussion.
3) Take 5 - 10 minutes apart to cool off, then come back together and try to resume the discussion.
4) Do not spend any of that time apart trying to come up with more ammunition for your side of the argument. Spend the time cooling down, and then trying to determine what the issue is, and how you can find common ground with your spouse on the issue.
5) Realize that your spouse is not your enemy. Your spouse is not your competition. You are a team. Ask yourself how you can possibly "win" if your teammate "loses." Check your competitiveness, and focus on finding a peaceful solution to the problem or issue at hand.
6) Every time the discussion begins to get heated, take another Time Out. When you are new to this process, it may take 8 Time Outs to get through the discussion. The more you practice, the better you will get at discussing things calmly, and the less Time Outs you will need.
7) Talk to your spouse about this idea and establish the ground rules right away, when you are both feeling calm. Don't try to establish a new procedure when one of you is angry!
Give it a try! It will be really hard to walk away at first, but it gets easier with practice. The end result will be worth the effort.
1) Agree on a word or phrase or gesture that means that one of you needs a Time Out.
2) Agree that when one person says they need a Time Out, the other will not argue or complain. When either of you asks for a Time Out, you will get it right away without further discussion.
3) Take 5 - 10 minutes apart to cool off, then come back together and try to resume the discussion.
4) Do not spend any of that time apart trying to come up with more ammunition for your side of the argument. Spend the time cooling down, and then trying to determine what the issue is, and how you can find common ground with your spouse on the issue.
5) Realize that your spouse is not your enemy. Your spouse is not your competition. You are a team. Ask yourself how you can possibly "win" if your teammate "loses." Check your competitiveness, and focus on finding a peaceful solution to the problem or issue at hand.
6) Every time the discussion begins to get heated, take another Time Out. When you are new to this process, it may take 8 Time Outs to get through the discussion. The more you practice, the better you will get at discussing things calmly, and the less Time Outs you will need.
7) Talk to your spouse about this idea and establish the ground rules right away, when you are both feeling calm. Don't try to establish a new procedure when one of you is angry!
Give it a try! It will be really hard to walk away at first, but it gets easier with practice. The end result will be worth the effort.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Physical Intimacy, Part 2
OK, continuing on with the topic of physical intimacy... Again, I am not an expert and these are just my observations and opinions, based on a minimal amount of counseling experience. Another sexual problem I see frequently among my clients is lack of desire. Many people (usually women), find that their sex drive has dramatically declined, and this is often a cause of conflict between the person and their spouse. There is a lot that can be said on this topic alone. First of all, refer back to my previous post, and remember how important it is to communicate about what is going on. Secondly, look to see if you can find a cause.
One common cause for lack of desire is medication. A decrease in sex drive is a common side effect of many medications. Check with your doctor or pharmacist to see if this is the case with any meds you might be taking. If so, see if you can switch to another medication or eliminate that medication. Obviously your health (including mental health) is a priority, but sometimes we take medication as an "easy way out" when exercise, losing weight, or counseling might help our physical or mental health just as much. I am not against taking medication--I am just proposing that we be very mindful of all the costs and benefits of the medication. Many studies have shown that counseling is just as effective as medication in alleviating anxiety and depression. Many studies have also shown that the most effective treatment for bipolar disorder is medication. We all know that exercising and eating healthier can lower cholesterol and blood pressure. The point is, you might need the medication you are taking. You might not--if you are willing to put in some effort and hard work to make a positive change in your life. So, if your medication is causing a problem with your sex life, see if you can make a change.
Another cause for lack of desire could be hormonal changes that occur in women as they approach menopause. Check with your doctor about this possibility (and possible treatment) as well. Another problem I see frequently is that when a woman has been sexually abused, it can come back to wreak havoc on her sex drive and sex life in the future. Some women think they have moved past the trauma of the abuse, only to have some life event (like childbirth) trigger the resurfacing of the memory and the trauma. If you have been sexually abused (especially if it was your first sexual experience), it is very normal to have a negative reaction to sex, and to feel a lack of desire. Counseling can help you to process the trauma that you have experienced, and to understand and control your feelings about physical intimacy with your spouse. There are many books (and even workbooks) for survivors of abuse that can help the individual work through and understand some of the troubling emotions and reactions they have now as a result of the abuse. Some women feel frustrated when these feeling resurface--feeling like they have already dealt with this issue. Be patient with yourself, and realize that some traumas shake us so deeply to the core that one is never completely rid of the effects of that trauma. But also have hope that you can learn to work through the difficult effects of the trauma, and gain control of your life back.
I don't have time to watch TV, but my sister told me that Dr. Oz says that, "sex begets sex." Meaning, if you aren't physically intimate with your spouse on a regular (frequent) basis, that desire eventually fades and sex becomes less of a priority in your life. If you are physically intimate on a regular basis, your desire level is maintained and you want to continue being physically intimate on a regular basis. I'm not a big Dr. Oz fan, but that theory seems to make sense to me. Some couples seem to get out of the habit of being physically intimate. But that is a dangerous place to be. Physical intimacy brings two people closer together. It is a physical manifestation of their love. If you and your spouse are not physically intimate on a regular basis, it may be time to make a change. Many people have reported that as their sex life improved, so did the state of their marriage. If you are out of the habit, get back into the habit!
Some women report a lack of desire due to emotional abuse from their spouse. Again, physical intimacy is very emotional for women, and if they are not feeling safe, desired, and loved, it is difficult for some women to be intimate with their spouse. Be kind to your spouse. Be loving and considerate. Do not insult or demean your spouse. Treat your spouse the way that you want to be treated.
Some general tips for lack of desire: try to find a cause, be considerate of your spouse's feelings and desires, change things up a little, communicate often, be physically intimate on a regular basis (even if you don't really feel like it), communicate even more, be kind to each other, and don't forget to communicate!
One common cause for lack of desire is medication. A decrease in sex drive is a common side effect of many medications. Check with your doctor or pharmacist to see if this is the case with any meds you might be taking. If so, see if you can switch to another medication or eliminate that medication. Obviously your health (including mental health) is a priority, but sometimes we take medication as an "easy way out" when exercise, losing weight, or counseling might help our physical or mental health just as much. I am not against taking medication--I am just proposing that we be very mindful of all the costs and benefits of the medication. Many studies have shown that counseling is just as effective as medication in alleviating anxiety and depression. Many studies have also shown that the most effective treatment for bipolar disorder is medication. We all know that exercising and eating healthier can lower cholesterol and blood pressure. The point is, you might need the medication you are taking. You might not--if you are willing to put in some effort and hard work to make a positive change in your life. So, if your medication is causing a problem with your sex life, see if you can make a change.
Another cause for lack of desire could be hormonal changes that occur in women as they approach menopause. Check with your doctor about this possibility (and possible treatment) as well. Another problem I see frequently is that when a woman has been sexually abused, it can come back to wreak havoc on her sex drive and sex life in the future. Some women think they have moved past the trauma of the abuse, only to have some life event (like childbirth) trigger the resurfacing of the memory and the trauma. If you have been sexually abused (especially if it was your first sexual experience), it is very normal to have a negative reaction to sex, and to feel a lack of desire. Counseling can help you to process the trauma that you have experienced, and to understand and control your feelings about physical intimacy with your spouse. There are many books (and even workbooks) for survivors of abuse that can help the individual work through and understand some of the troubling emotions and reactions they have now as a result of the abuse. Some women feel frustrated when these feeling resurface--feeling like they have already dealt with this issue. Be patient with yourself, and realize that some traumas shake us so deeply to the core that one is never completely rid of the effects of that trauma. But also have hope that you can learn to work through the difficult effects of the trauma, and gain control of your life back.
I don't have time to watch TV, but my sister told me that Dr. Oz says that, "sex begets sex." Meaning, if you aren't physically intimate with your spouse on a regular (frequent) basis, that desire eventually fades and sex becomes less of a priority in your life. If you are physically intimate on a regular basis, your desire level is maintained and you want to continue being physically intimate on a regular basis. I'm not a big Dr. Oz fan, but that theory seems to make sense to me. Some couples seem to get out of the habit of being physically intimate. But that is a dangerous place to be. Physical intimacy brings two people closer together. It is a physical manifestation of their love. If you and your spouse are not physically intimate on a regular basis, it may be time to make a change. Many people have reported that as their sex life improved, so did the state of their marriage. If you are out of the habit, get back into the habit!
Some women report a lack of desire due to emotional abuse from their spouse. Again, physical intimacy is very emotional for women, and if they are not feeling safe, desired, and loved, it is difficult for some women to be intimate with their spouse. Be kind to your spouse. Be loving and considerate. Do not insult or demean your spouse. Treat your spouse the way that you want to be treated.
Some general tips for lack of desire: try to find a cause, be considerate of your spouse's feelings and desires, change things up a little, communicate often, be physically intimate on a regular basis (even if you don't really feel like it), communicate even more, be kind to each other, and don't forget to communicate!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)