Let's Talk About Physical Intimacy

OK, before I get started on this topic, I want to remind you that I am not a professional.  I am still a student counselor, getting experience counseling through my internship.  I have not had the opportunity to counsel many couples yet.  I am mostly working with individuals.  But with the limited experiences I have had, some common themes about sex seem to keep coming up, so I thought it might be a good idea to address them here.  I won't be able to address them all in one post, so look for another post with this theme soon.  I want this blog to be family friendly, but I also want it to be a real resource for married couples, so I will tread carefully to try to find the right balance of tactfulness and truth.  Also, keep in mind that each individual (and each couple) is unique.  I will be making some generalizations here, and I realize that they do not apply to every individual. 

First of all, let me say that for women, sex is very emotional.  In general, if a woman is not feeling happy or loved, she does not want to by physically intimate with her spouse.  Men, this means that you should not criticize your wife's appearance if you want her to be physically intimate with you.  I don't know of any woman that made a positive change in her life and her body as a direct result of her husband's criticism.  Believe me, she already knows that her body is not perfect.   She does not need you to remind her.  We all want to feel loved, appreciated, and admired.  It does not take a genius to answer this question correctly:  Will your wife be more likely to want to be intimate with you if you tell her she is A) beautiful, sexy, and wonderful; or B) fat, lazy and annoying?  Treat your spouse with love and kindness, and she will feel love and tenderness toward you, and will want to participate in the physical manifestation of that love.

Next, I will tell you that often, when someone complains of a sexual problem in therapy, they are really talking about a communication problem.   I don't know why it is so hard for people to talk to their spouse about sex, but it just is.  Many people talk to their spouse openly about money, jobs, children, in-laws, politics, and many other topics, but when it comes to sex, they clam up.  It surprises me when clients complain about their sex lives, and I ask them if they have discussed this issue with their spouse, most of the time, the answer is no.  It seems to be easier for people to talk to their counselor about sex than it is for them to talk to their partner.  The solution to this problem is obvious, but it may not be easy.  Talk to your spouse about sex. Talk about what is working, what could use some improvement, and how you both are feeling about your sex life.  Timing is important.  Don't try to have this discussion while you are being physically intimate.  Make time to talk when you are alone and both of you are calm.  If you are not used to talking about physical intimacy, maybe you could start by asking your spouse what they like about your sex life, and what they think could improve.  Open, honest communication can do wonders for a relationship.  At first, you may have to schedule a time to talk about sex.  Maybe you could put it on your calendar to remind you to check-in with your spouse on a regular basis. I think you will be surprised at how many problems or misunderstandings can be avoided by frequent, open communication.  If there is room for improvement, remember to use your "I statements" (see previous posts) and to not criticize!  Be loving, sensitive, and respectful in your communication.  

Well, there's a start to the topic of physical intimacy.  I will continue with the same theme in the next post.  If you have specific questions or topics you want me to cover, e-mail me or leave a comment.  Thanks for reading!

Be the Change

I love this quote from Gandhi:  "Be the change you want to see in the world." This week, I was thinking about how it applies to marriage.  You can change the quote to "Be the change you want to see in your marriage."  When you ask married people what change they would like to see in their marriage, they usually mention their spouse (and often some habit or pet peeve that they want their spouse to change).  What's wrong with that?  Well, for one thing, you probably know by now that you can't change someone else.  The only person you can change is you.  Also, in marriage, it takes two.  Your spouse isn't perfect, but instead of focusing on their problems (which you can't change), why not look inward to see what you are doing to contribute to your dissatisfaction in your marriage?  At first it is uncomfortable to accept responsibility for some negative things that it is easier to blame your spouse for.  But then, it becomes empowering as you realize that you are more in control of your happiness in your marriage than you realized.  So look inward.  Be honest with yourself. What change would like you like to see in your marriage (not in your spouse, but in your marriage)?  What can you do to bring about that change?  YOU can be the change you want to see in your marriage!

Making a List, and Checking it Twice

If I were to ask you what bugs you about your spouse, could you list some things for me?  How about if I asked you what you love about your spouse?  Is that list easier or harder to come up with?  I think it's easy to focus on the negatives, but we can be happier if we focus on the positives.  Try writing down the top five things you love about your spouse.  Next, share that list with your spouse with some word of praise or appreciation.  Finally, keep that list in a place where you will see it often, and review it on a regular basis.  I think it can be eye-opening and really helpful for some of us to try to appreciate the good things--especially if you feel stuck in a rut, or in a negative frame of mind about your spouse.   An attitude of gratitude can change your perspective.  So go ahead...make your list and check it often! 

Constant Vigilance

     I've been thinking this week about how easy it is to let your guard down, to get comfortable and lazy, and to take things for granted in your marriage.  One thing that makes marriage so challenging is that your relationship is constantly changing and evolving as you and your spouse are constantly changing and growing too.  It is impossible for your marriage to stay the same day after day, year after year.  And all that change requires constant vigilance.  We must make our marriages a top priority in our lives!  We must take time to evaluate the quality of our marriage on a regular basis.  We must keep our guard up all the time against harmful influences.  We must question our loyalties and our motives daily.  Your marriage is a precious, important relationship that must be safeguarded, protected, and strengthened on a daily basis.
     I know there are so many other demands and distractions in life.  We have children, jobs, school, church, and many other obligations that demand our attention.  But we can't lose focus on our marriage, and we can't let our marriage fall to the bottom of our priority list.  Strengthening your marriage can be something as simple as taking 3 seconds to look into your spouse's eyes to say, "I love you."   It can be as complex as planning a surprise weekend getaway.  Or it can be anywhere in between.  Take some time each day to connect with your spouse.  Make time for conversation.  Evaluate your heart and your feelings toward your spouse every day.  If your heart is not in the right place, make a change.  Your marriage can stay strong and healthy if you commit to constant vigilance.
     Why not start today?  Think about where your marriage is at right now.  What is going well?  What is not going great?  What changes can you make to improve your relationship?  What have you done to strengthen your marriage today?  What can you do today to make your marriage stronger, healthier and happier?  Communicate with your spouse, and commit to make one change today to improve your marriage.  You can do it!  Every step in the right direction is important, no matter how small.  With constant vigilance, your marriage can become (or stay) strong and healthy. 

Simple

I saw this on a plaque the other day, and I was struck with the impact of these six words:

Choose Your Love.

Love Your Choice.   


Simple, beautiful, and true.  I love it!

Being Vulnerable

     There is something really scary about opening yourself up to another person in total honesty, and letting them see and know the real you.  We all have little secrets that we hide from others.  For those of us who have been hurt and betrayed by someone we loved and trusted, this is especially true.  We keep our most vulnerable selves hidden deep inside, and only let others see what we want them to see.  In marriage, sometimes we hide the part of ourselves that we feel embarrassed about, or the part of ourselves that we are afraid no one else could understand or love.  It is difficult to trust someone enough to let down your guard and share everything about yourself with someone else. 
     Some people say that it is good to have some secrets in your marriage, but I disagree.  I believe it is best to be totally open and honest, even if that means being completely vulnerable to your spouse.  Some people keep a secret from their spouse to "protect" them from reality.  They don't want their spouse to know of a past misdeed, or a current habit that would upset their spouse.  I truly believe that your marriage cannot be whole and completely fulfilling until you are honest with your spouse, and you let them see and know the real you.  All of you. 
     Disclosing difficult truths to your spouse is not easy, and the initial results may be discouraging and frustrating.  When you are opening up to your spouse about something that will be hard for them to hear, prepare them by expressing your love for them, telling them why you are going to open up to them, and then giving them time and space to accept what you have told them. When you make yourself vulnerable like this, sometimes your relationship will seem to get worse before it gets better as one person takes time to process and accept their new reality.  But I believe your relationship will get better as you become totally honest with your spouse about who you are and how you feel.  You will feel closer, and there is a sense of happiness and security when we know that our spouse truly knows, loves, and accepts us.  Being vulnerable is scary, but it can be very rewarding.  I encourage you to give it a try. 

How Important Is Marriage?

"Marriage is perhaps the most vital of all the decisions and has the most far-reaching effects, for it has to do not only with immediate happiness, but also with eternal joys. It affects not only the two people involved, but also their families and particularly their children and their children’s children down through the many generations."

~Spencer W. Kimball

Money Matters

"A new study found a couple with $10k in debt and no savings is 2x as likely to divorce, as a couple with no debt and $10k in savings. Further, couples who disagree about money once per week were 2x as likely to divorce as those who only disagreed once per month."
~Banc Investment Daily, Oct 4, 2011

Be Kind

I try to go to the temple once a week--a place where I feel peace, and feel close to the Lord.  When I'm there, I always take time to reflect on my life and to pray for guidance.  Every week, I end my prayer and meditation by asking the Lord what He would want me to know and do.  Every week, I get the same answer, "Be kind." And every week, it rings true to my heart that I really need to work on being kind--and mostly to my husband and sweet children.  So this post is mostly for my own benefit.

I met a woman today who has been happily married for 52 years.  She was remarking that her husband is such a likeable man that everyone loves him, and people often tell her how lucky she is to be married to such a kind person.  She went on to say that he is a great guy, but that none of those people ever see the "real" him, the side of him that gets grumpy and frustrated, and is sometimes unkind.  We wondered together why we are kind to others around us, and least kind to our family members and spouse--the very people we SHOULD treat the best.  Unfortunately, it is a real challenge to treat our spouse and children with kindness all the time. 

Do you ever see a chance to do a kind deed for your spouse, but you withhold it because you feel that they don't deserve it?  Do you ever think that when your spouse does such-and-such for you, or acts a certain way, THEN you will be kind?  The Lord has told us: “And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.” (Eph. 4:32.)  I think this scripture is great marriage advice.  It is hard to be kind, especially when we are stressed, tired, or busy.  And especially when we feel that the receiver of our kindness doesn't "deserve" it.  But no act of kindness is ever wasted.  A simple act of kindness can change the giver and the receiver for good.  Stop trying to keep score.  Don't let someone else's behavior guide your own.  It is funny how when you love and serve someone, your heart is softened towards them, and your love for them grows.  Feed your love--and your own happiness--by being kind. 

Angry Quote!

"To be angry is to yield to the influence of Satan. No one can make us angry. It is our choice. If we desire to have a proper spirit with us at all times, we must choose to refrain from becoming angry. I testify that such is possible." ~Thomas S. Monson

I know sometimes getting angry does not seem like a choice, but it always is. 

Total Fidelity

"There are those married people who permit their eyes to wander and their hearts to become vagrant, who think it is not improper to flirt a little, to share their hearts and have desire for someone other than the wife or the husband. The Lord says in no uncertain terms: “Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else.” (D&C 42:22.)

And, when the Lord says all thy heart, it allows for no sharing nor dividing nor depriving. And, to the woman it is paraphrased: “Thou shalt love thy husband with all thy heart and shalt cleave unto him and none else.”

The words none else eliminate everyone and everything. The spouse then becomes preeminent in the life of the husband or wife, and neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse."  ~Spencer W. Kimball

I love the last line of this quote.  Being totally faithful does not just apply to physical intimacy.  Total fidelity means that you put your spouse FIRST.  No job, child, parent, hobby, friend or interest should ever take precedence over your spouse.  There are people who would never be unfaithful to their spouse by cheating with another person, but who don't realize that they ARE being unfaithful to their spouse by putting something else first in their lives (a career?  a sport?).   I invite you (and myself) to honestly examine your life and determine if you are being totally faithful to your spouse in every way.  If there is room for improvement, start by talking to your spouse about how you feel.  Then work on finding ways to increase your fidelity until you can reach your goal of total fidelity.  

Flirtation

     I have been thinking about fidelity for weeks now.  I have so many ideas swirling around about what I want to say, and have found so many great quotes that I don't know where to start.  I realized this morning that I may never know where to start, so I'm just going to jump in somewhere.  Here's the simple truth:  You chose your spouse.  You made a commitment to love your spouse and be faithful to him/her.  Do it.  Easy enough, right? 

     I'm going to start my fidelity posts by addressing flirtation.  There is no such thing as "harmless flirtation" outside of marriage.  Any flirtation with anyone other than your spouse is HARMFUL TO YOUR MARRIAGE.  Your love for your spouse cannot be safe, whole, and complete while part of your mind or heart is occupied with someone else.  Even if your spouse knows about it.  Even if your spouse doesn't mind.  Even if you know you would never enter into a physical relationship with that person.  Even if that person is single (or married).  No matter what.  Your heart belongs to your spouse, and only your spouse.  Your marriage relationship cannot remain strong and cannot progress if you are flirting with someone else. 

    Want a second opinion?  Here are Spencer W. Kimball's thoughts on the matter, "Marriage presupposes total allegiance and total fidelity. Each spouse takes the partner with the understanding that he or she gives totally to the spouse all the heart, strength, loyalty, honor, and affection, with all dignity. Any divergence is sin; any sharing of the heart is transgression. As we should have 'an eye single to the glory of God,' so should we have an eye, an ear, a heart single to the marriage and the spouse and family."
     Why is flirting so dangerous and harmful?  When you are thinking of someone else, you are not putting your spouse first.  When you are flirting with someone else, it is easier to find fault with your spouse.  You start to focus on your spouse's shortcomings, and to see what is fun and new in someone else.  As your heart, mind, and affections wander, your desires to work on your marriage, be unselfish, and put your spouse first go out the window.  You tend to take your spouse for granted, and maybe even to find them boring. Plus, the obvious harm is that what starts out as "harmless flirtation," can often lead to greater infidelity.  
     I know flirting is fun.  But hey, if you want to flirt with someone, flirt with your spouse.  Try sending your spouse a flirtatious text.  Catch your spouse's eye across the room and smile or wink.  Leave a little love note for him/her to find.  Find ways to add excitement and novelty to your marriage.  Flirtation with your spouse is the only "harmless flirtation" there is.  Stop any other flirtation in its tracks, and be totally faithful to your spouse. 

Quote for the Month

I'm sorry I haven't posted in a month!  I have been out of town the whole month, and I intended to post regularly while on vacation, but I just didn't!  I'm going to try to get back into the swing of things before my school and internship get started in a couple of weeks!!  To get started, here's a quote I really like about what happiness in marriage is all about:

"Some think of happiness as a glamorous life of ease, luxury, and constant thrills; but true marriage is based on a happiness which is more than that, one which comes from giving, serving, sharing, sacrificing, and selflessness."

~Spencer W. Kimball

Feeding Love

"Love is like a flower, and, like the body, it needs constant feeding. The mortal body would soon be emaciated and die if there were not frequent feedings. The tender flower would wither and die without food and water. And so love, also, cannot be expected to last forever unless it is continually fed with portions of love, the manifestation of esteem and admiration, the expressions of gratitude, and the consideration of unselfishness."

~Spencer W. Kimball 

What have you done to feed the love in your marriage today?  :)

Happiness Must Be Earned

"Almost all marriages could be beautiful, harmonious, happy, and eternal ones, if the two people primarily involved would determine that it should be, that it must be, that it will be.  The mere performance of a ceremony does not bring happiness and a successful marriage. Happiness...is a state of mind and comes from within. It must be earned."       ~Spencer W. Kimball

I love the last line:  "Happiness must be earned."  How do we earn happiness in marriage?  It is a question worth pondering. I have some ideas, but maybe instead of sharing my thoughts, I'll let you come up with your own ideas.  I'd love to hear your ideas if you feel like sharing--leave and comment and let me know how you think we can earn happiness in marriage.     

"Marriage is Wonderful."

"Pure love is an incomparable, potent power for good. Righteous love is the foundation of a successful marriage. It is the primary cause of contented, well-developed children...It is so rewarding to be married. Marriage is wonderful. In time you begin to think alike and have the same ideas and impressions. You have times when you are extremely happy, times of testing, and times of trial, but the Lord guides you through all of those growth experiences together."      Richard G. Scott