Sunday, November 16, 2014
Quote on Success
"A little more persistence, a little more effort, and what seemed hopeless failure may turn to glorious success." -Elbert Hubbard
Friday, November 14, 2014
Little Things
Most people acknowledge that their marriage relationship is a very important part of their life and their happiness. We don't always think about marriage in those terms, but when you think about it, what is more important to your long-term happiness? Now, if your marriage is a very important part of your life, it should be a top priority to maintain and improve that relationship. What have you done today to enrich your marriage? What more could you do?
Certain activities and responsibilities demand your daily attention. Sometimes it is challenging to give your marriage relationship the effort you should because it may not demand the attention. But if you know that your relationship with your spouse is one of the most important aspects of your life, it might be a good idea to give that relationship a little more time and effort. Your efforts don't have to be huge or time consuming. What can you do today to improve your marriage? Here are a few suggestions:
Say I love you.
Express appreciation to your spouse.
10 second hug
Text a love note.
Do a chore or run an errand for your spouse.
Put down your phones/tablets and talk (and listen!)
Give a sincere compliment.
Refrain from complaining or nagging.
Praise your spouse in front of others.
Sometimes the little things can make a huge difference. Most of my suggestions only take a few seconds, but that little effort every day will remind you that your marriage is an important priority in your life. What little things do you do to build up your marriage? Leave a comment if you have any ideas to share.
Certain activities and responsibilities demand your daily attention. Sometimes it is challenging to give your marriage relationship the effort you should because it may not demand the attention. But if you know that your relationship with your spouse is one of the most important aspects of your life, it might be a good idea to give that relationship a little more time and effort. Your efforts don't have to be huge or time consuming. What can you do today to improve your marriage? Here are a few suggestions:
Say I love you.
Express appreciation to your spouse.
10 second hug
Text a love note.
Do a chore or run an errand for your spouse.
Put down your phones/tablets and talk (and listen!)
Give a sincere compliment.
Refrain from complaining or nagging.
Praise your spouse in front of others.
Sometimes the little things can make a huge difference. Most of my suggestions only take a few seconds, but that little effort every day will remind you that your marriage is an important priority in your life. What little things do you do to build up your marriage? Leave a comment if you have any ideas to share.
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
Friday, June 27, 2014
Relationship Tip #2
Again, from Daniel Amen's book "Change your Brain, Change your Life", here is relationship tip #2:
"Never take the relationship for granted. In order for relationships to be special, they need constant nurturing. Relationships suffer when they get put low on the priority list of time and attention. Focusing on what you want in a relationship is essential to making it happen."
My Take: Your marriage is a very important factor in your overall happiness. Don't put more time into watching your favorite TV show than working on your marriage, or put more effort into your work than your relationship, and then expect your marriage to be a success. A happy marriage takes time and effort, but the rewards for your overall health and happiness are well worth it. Married individuals live longer and are generally happier than single people. Set aside some time each day for planning, nurturing, and improving your marriage. You will not regret the effort! :)
"Never take the relationship for granted. In order for relationships to be special, they need constant nurturing. Relationships suffer when they get put low on the priority list of time and attention. Focusing on what you want in a relationship is essential to making it happen."
My Take: Your marriage is a very important factor in your overall happiness. Don't put more time into watching your favorite TV show than working on your marriage, or put more effort into your work than your relationship, and then expect your marriage to be a success. A happy marriage takes time and effort, but the rewards for your overall health and happiness are well worth it. Married individuals live longer and are generally happier than single people. Set aside some time each day for planning, nurturing, and improving your marriage. You will not regret the effort! :)
Sunday, June 22, 2014
Relationship Tip #1
I am reading the book, "Change Your Brain Change Your Life" by Dr. Daniel Amen. I love it and would highly recommend it. Dr. Amen outlines 10 "relational principles" to keep the deep limbic system healthy. Borrowing from his book, I'm going to take each of his principles and apply it to marriage in my next several posts.
Relationship Tip #1: " Take responsibility for keeping the relationship strong. Don't be a person who blames his or her partner or friends for the relationship problems. Take responsibility for the relationship and look for what you can do to improve it. You'll feel empowered, and the relationship is likely to improve almost immediately."
My summary: It takes two to tango. If your relationship has some difficulties, you are probably part of the problem. It is easy to see the faults in your spouse, and not so easy to acknowledge your own shortcomings. But when one person changes their attitude or actions, the whole system (relationship) changes. So make the choice to make a change, and see how your marriage improves from your efforts. :)
Relationship Tip #1: " Take responsibility for keeping the relationship strong. Don't be a person who blames his or her partner or friends for the relationship problems. Take responsibility for the relationship and look for what you can do to improve it. You'll feel empowered, and the relationship is likely to improve almost immediately."
My summary: It takes two to tango. If your relationship has some difficulties, you are probably part of the problem. It is easy to see the faults in your spouse, and not so easy to acknowledge your own shortcomings. But when one person changes their attitude or actions, the whole system (relationship) changes. So make the choice to make a change, and see how your marriage improves from your efforts. :)
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
Thought for the Day
Is there any relationship in your life more important than your marriage? What kind of marriage do you want to have tomorrow, next week or next year? Is what you are doing today going to produce the marriage you want in the future? If not, make a positive change today! Make today the foundation for the future of your marriage.
Monday, May 5, 2014
Happiness
I have been reading "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin, and I really love the book. In the author's quest to feel happier, she tackled one area of resolutions each month for a year. After a month of focusing on being happier in her marriage, she came to the following conclusion:
"When thinking about happiness in marriage, you may have an almost irresistible impulse to focus on your spouse, to emphasize how he or she should change in order to boost your happiness. But the fact is, you can't change anyone but yourself...I love Jamie just the way he is. I can't make him to a better job of doing household chores, I can only stop myself from nagging--and that makes me happier. When you give up expecting a spouse to change (within reason), you lessen anger and resentment, and that creates a more loving atmosphere in marriage."
"When thinking about happiness in marriage, you may have an almost irresistible impulse to focus on your spouse, to emphasize how he or she should change in order to boost your happiness. But the fact is, you can't change anyone but yourself...I love Jamie just the way he is. I can't make him to a better job of doing household chores, I can only stop myself from nagging--and that makes me happier. When you give up expecting a spouse to change (within reason), you lessen anger and resentment, and that creates a more loving atmosphere in marriage."
Friday, March 28, 2014
Some Parenting Basics
I have been doing mostly family counseling lately, and have noticed a disturbing trend. Many of the families I have been working with do not have family rules or consistent consequences. Many families do not have any type of chore chart or any expectations for their children to help out with cleaning or maintaining the house. A lot of parents seem to feel that in order to be "nice" or "good" parents, they don't want to burden their children with rules or chores. Many parents seem to be afraid to administer any type of consequence or punishment. The result of this type of parenting is children who are lazy, unwilling to work hard at anything, and who feel that they are above any type of rules or discipline system. These children often have trouble in school, and often have a low sense of self-esteem.
I think a lot of parents think that in order for their children to feel good about themselves, the children need to be praised constantly, and treated like royalty. In reality, children develop a healthy sense of self esteem when they have consistent rules and expectations spelled out for them, and consistent consequences that stem from their actions. Children need to feel loved and secure in their attachments, but children do NOT need to feel that they are the best at everything they do. In fact, children need to be allowed to lose games, to fail at new efforts, and to know that rewards come from hard work, not from just being you.
It is fine to praise your child when they do something well, but it is most effective if you praise the effort they put into that accomplishment, instead of just praising the child. For example, if you child brings home a good report card, it is much better to say, "I'm so proud of the effort you put into school in order to get these good grades," than to say, "You're so smart!" Many studies have shown that children who are told how smart they are become easily frustrated and discouraged when they have a difficult time learning something new. Children who are praised for their hard work and their effort at learning, tend to tackle new challenges with more confidence and tend to finish challenging tasks more frequently.
If you want your children to feel secure and happy, tell them you love them, make yourself available to them, and spend quality time with them. ALSO, come up with some family rules. Have your children help you determine what the family rules should be. Write them down and put them in a place where everyone can see them. Come up with consequences for when the rules are not followed (again, with input from the children). Consistently follow through with the consequences. Children need clear expectations and consistent discipline in order to feel secure and happy. I would not recommend any type of physical punishments. Spanking does not help, and it ends up teaching the child it is OK to hit someone when you are frustrated or angry. Punishments that work well include time-out (especially for younger children), and removal of privileges.
If children know what the rules are and what the consequences are, they are choosing their own consequences. It takes away a lot of the frustration and emotional outbursts when you can calmly say, "Son, it looks like you forgot to pick up your toys after you finished playing with them. Remember we decided that was a family rule, and if you don't do it, you can't play with those toys again for a whole day? So please pick up the toys and hand them to me, and I'll give them back when the time frame is up. I know it's sad when you can't play with your favorite toys, so make sure to make a better choice next time." Or, with older kids, it goes more like this: "Hi son, I'm glad you're home safe. I was worried about you because you got home past your curfew. Do you remember what the consequence is for coming home late? ....That's right, you will have to be home early the next two times you go out. I understand that you feel frustrated right now, but remember that you helped create that rule and the consequence, and hopefully this will help you choose to be home on time in the future."
Giving children regular chores to do helps them in many ways. It helps them to appreciate the value of work. It teaches them skills they will need to keep their own homes clean someday. It helps them appreciate all that you, as parents, do for them. And doing work helps children to feel productive and valued at home. It is best if you come up with some type of chart, where each child's daily or weekly chore is clearly spelled out for them. If you just wait until the sink is full of dirty dishes, and then ask a child to help, they are likely to complain and refuse. If they know in advance that they are responsible for doing the dishes all week, it is much easier to get them to comply. Especially if you have the children help you design the chore chart, and decide what tasks need to be done daily and weekly.
Why am I posting parenting advice on my marriage blog? If you are married with children, you know that children are wonderful, and bring so much joy to a family, but they also are challenging, and are often the cause of stress and worry. Your parenting style and parenting skills will definitely impact the quality of your marriage. If you and your spouse are united in your expectations and in the way you handle misbehavior, it will make your marriage (and your home) much more peaceful.
I think a lot of parents think that in order for their children to feel good about themselves, the children need to be praised constantly, and treated like royalty. In reality, children develop a healthy sense of self esteem when they have consistent rules and expectations spelled out for them, and consistent consequences that stem from their actions. Children need to feel loved and secure in their attachments, but children do NOT need to feel that they are the best at everything they do. In fact, children need to be allowed to lose games, to fail at new efforts, and to know that rewards come from hard work, not from just being you.
It is fine to praise your child when they do something well, but it is most effective if you praise the effort they put into that accomplishment, instead of just praising the child. For example, if you child brings home a good report card, it is much better to say, "I'm so proud of the effort you put into school in order to get these good grades," than to say, "You're so smart!" Many studies have shown that children who are told how smart they are become easily frustrated and discouraged when they have a difficult time learning something new. Children who are praised for their hard work and their effort at learning, tend to tackle new challenges with more confidence and tend to finish challenging tasks more frequently.
If you want your children to feel secure and happy, tell them you love them, make yourself available to them, and spend quality time with them. ALSO, come up with some family rules. Have your children help you determine what the family rules should be. Write them down and put them in a place where everyone can see them. Come up with consequences for when the rules are not followed (again, with input from the children). Consistently follow through with the consequences. Children need clear expectations and consistent discipline in order to feel secure and happy. I would not recommend any type of physical punishments. Spanking does not help, and it ends up teaching the child it is OK to hit someone when you are frustrated or angry. Punishments that work well include time-out (especially for younger children), and removal of privileges.
If children know what the rules are and what the consequences are, they are choosing their own consequences. It takes away a lot of the frustration and emotional outbursts when you can calmly say, "Son, it looks like you forgot to pick up your toys after you finished playing with them. Remember we decided that was a family rule, and if you don't do it, you can't play with those toys again for a whole day? So please pick up the toys and hand them to me, and I'll give them back when the time frame is up. I know it's sad when you can't play with your favorite toys, so make sure to make a better choice next time." Or, with older kids, it goes more like this: "Hi son, I'm glad you're home safe. I was worried about you because you got home past your curfew. Do you remember what the consequence is for coming home late? ....That's right, you will have to be home early the next two times you go out. I understand that you feel frustrated right now, but remember that you helped create that rule and the consequence, and hopefully this will help you choose to be home on time in the future."
Giving children regular chores to do helps them in many ways. It helps them to appreciate the value of work. It teaches them skills they will need to keep their own homes clean someday. It helps them appreciate all that you, as parents, do for them. And doing work helps children to feel productive and valued at home. It is best if you come up with some type of chart, where each child's daily or weekly chore is clearly spelled out for them. If you just wait until the sink is full of dirty dishes, and then ask a child to help, they are likely to complain and refuse. If they know in advance that they are responsible for doing the dishes all week, it is much easier to get them to comply. Especially if you have the children help you design the chore chart, and decide what tasks need to be done daily and weekly.
Why am I posting parenting advice on my marriage blog? If you are married with children, you know that children are wonderful, and bring so much joy to a family, but they also are challenging, and are often the cause of stress and worry. Your parenting style and parenting skills will definitely impact the quality of your marriage. If you and your spouse are united in your expectations and in the way you handle misbehavior, it will make your marriage (and your home) much more peaceful.
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Three Little Things
Three little things you can do today to improve your marriage (or keep it healthy and strong) are:
1) Show affection. Every day, have some physical contact with your spouse. A hug, a kiss, holding hands, a shoulder rub...anything like that will reinforce the physical bond you have together.
2) Go out of your way to do something kind for your spouse. Make some little sacrifice to make his or her day a little better or brighter. You can do a chore your spouse usually does, or do something as simple as buying your spouse their favorite candy bar when you stop for gas today.
3) Express affection. Say something kind or loving every day. Anything from, "Thanks for helping me with the dishes" to "You look nice today" or a simple "I love you" will do. If it's hard for you to say it, then start by texting something nice to your spouse every day.
Sometimes it's the little things that mean the most. Every day you make some little effort to strengthen your relationship is a day that you are acknowledging to yourself and to your spouse that your marriage is important to you and is worth some daily attention.
1) Show affection. Every day, have some physical contact with your spouse. A hug, a kiss, holding hands, a shoulder rub...anything like that will reinforce the physical bond you have together.
2) Go out of your way to do something kind for your spouse. Make some little sacrifice to make his or her day a little better or brighter. You can do a chore your spouse usually does, or do something as simple as buying your spouse their favorite candy bar when you stop for gas today.
3) Express affection. Say something kind or loving every day. Anything from, "Thanks for helping me with the dishes" to "You look nice today" or a simple "I love you" will do. If it's hard for you to say it, then start by texting something nice to your spouse every day.
Sometimes it's the little things that mean the most. Every day you make some little effort to strengthen your relationship is a day that you are acknowledging to yourself and to your spouse that your marriage is important to you and is worth some daily attention.
Friday, February 14, 2014
Love like that
"And still, after all this time, the Sun has never said to the
Earth,‘You owe me.’ Look what happens with love like that. It lights up
the sky." ~Jalal ad-Din Rumi (1207-1273)
Sunday, February 2, 2014
On Knowing Love
On Knowing Love
By Cherene Watkin
When I first fell in love with you, we were so young.
Thrilling, tumbling, falling into love
Sleep was a burden--time away from you
And I knew I loved you.
Then trials hit hard, testing our commitment.
That new love gone, replaced with something more real.
At the end of the day still united, I knew we could make it through anything together.
And I knew I loved you.
Then a new little life we created together
Stole my time and attention, but my heart grew
Enough love to share, now a family.
And I knew I loved you.
More trials and I wondered if it was all worth it.
I cried and wondered how our love would survive.
But I said I would love you forever, so I held on
And I loved when I didn't think I could.
More children, each precious and binding
Gluing our family together, expanding our love.
Busy, chaos, patience, frustration.
And most of the time I loved you.
Years passed as the children grew, I grew up too.
New realizations of how much you mean to me.
I see you through new eyes and fall in love again
And I know that I love you.
You are my rock, my best friend, my greatest asset.
Sometimes I glimpse you through His eyes.
My heart aches with a fullness of adoration.
And I know that I'll love you forever.
By Cherene Watkin
When I first fell in love with you, we were so young.
Thrilling, tumbling, falling into love
Sleep was a burden--time away from you
And I knew I loved you.
Then trials hit hard, testing our commitment.
That new love gone, replaced with something more real.
At the end of the day still united, I knew we could make it through anything together.
And I knew I loved you.
Then a new little life we created together
Stole my time and attention, but my heart grew
Enough love to share, now a family.
And I knew I loved you.
More trials and I wondered if it was all worth it.
I cried and wondered how our love would survive.
But I said I would love you forever, so I held on
And I loved when I didn't think I could.
More children, each precious and binding
Gluing our family together, expanding our love.
Busy, chaos, patience, frustration.
And most of the time I loved you.
Years passed as the children grew, I grew up too.
New realizations of how much you mean to me.
I see you through new eyes and fall in love again
And I know that I love you.
You are my rock, my best friend, my greatest asset.
Sometimes I glimpse you through His eyes.
My heart aches with a fullness of adoration.
And I know that I'll love you forever.
Friday, January 31, 2014
Praying Together
Our Stake President (church leader) recently said that he has never had a couple that is praying together every day come to him saying that they want a divorce. He advised everyone in the congregation to pray together every day as a couple to ensure the happiness and well-being of your marriage. He stated that the prayer you say together as a couple should be different from other prayers because this prayer between the two of you should focus on your relationship and your spouse. Take turns saying the prayer aloud, and when it is your turn, thank Heavenly Father for your spouse. Thank Him for all the good things you love and appreciate about your spouse. Ask Him to bless your spouse when needed. It is a special prayer of gratitude for each other and your relationship. This prayer helps you to express love and appreciation for each other, and to see each other from a more eternal, meaningful viewpoint. As a counselor, I agree 100% that praying together as a couple every day will strengthen and protect your relationship. It will give you an eternal perspective that can sometimes otherwise be lacking. It will help you to remember why you love your spouse, and will remind you of all the positive things about your relationship. When you are faced with difficulties and trials, it will give you a sense of unity and purpose. When life is smooth sailing, it will give you a deeper sense of love and gratitude for each other. Praying together will help to keep your relationship strong and healthy. If you're not already in the habit, start today. You will notice a difference in the quality of your marriage, and probably a positive difference in your feelings towards your spouse too.
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Speak Up!
Silence is no good for a relationship. Silence is isolating. Silence can be frustrating. And most importantly, silence prevents you from communicating, bonding, and feeling close to your spouse. Some people use silence as a means of asserting control over their partner. Some people use silence to punish their spouse. Some people are silent instead of expressing their feelings because they don't like conflict and don't want to start a fight. Good intentions, but bad results. Read this quote from an article in Psychology Today:
"When you can express what you’re feeling—in the moment that you’re experiencing it—there’s much less likelihood that you’ll act out on that feeling. Problematic feelings that go unexpressed tend to percolate and boil over—they take on energy of their own, and the ensuing conflict hours or days later may have little correlation to the original emotional insult. When this occurs there’s little chance of being validated, as there may be little correspondence between your hurt feelings and the disruption of the moment."
Holding your feelings in is not helping your relationship. It does not make you a better person. It is unhealthy and ultimately causes much bigger problems than expressing your frustration or anger in the moment. So communicate often. Talk about your feelings, your frustrations, your hopes and your relationship. Express your love for each other often, but make sure to express your frustrations too. The whole Psychology Today article can be found here: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/shift-mind/201401/silence-relationship-killer?tr=MostViewed
"When you can express what you’re feeling—in the moment that you’re experiencing it—there’s much less likelihood that you’ll act out on that feeling. Problematic feelings that go unexpressed tend to percolate and boil over—they take on energy of their own, and the ensuing conflict hours or days later may have little correlation to the original emotional insult. When this occurs there’s little chance of being validated, as there may be little correspondence between your hurt feelings and the disruption of the moment."
Holding your feelings in is not helping your relationship. It does not make you a better person. It is unhealthy and ultimately causes much bigger problems than expressing your frustration or anger in the moment. So communicate often. Talk about your feelings, your frustrations, your hopes and your relationship. Express your love for each other often, but make sure to express your frustrations too. The whole Psychology Today article can be found here: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/shift-mind/201401/silence-relationship-killer?tr=MostViewed
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