Happiness Must Be Earned

"Almost all marriages could be beautiful, harmonious, happy, and eternal ones, if the two people primarily involved would determine that it should be, that it must be, that it will be.  The mere performance of a ceremony does not bring happiness and a successful marriage. Happiness...is a state of mind and comes from within. It must be earned."       ~Spencer W. Kimball

I love the last line:  "Happiness must be earned."  How do we earn happiness in marriage?  It is a question worth pondering. I have some ideas, but maybe instead of sharing my thoughts, I'll let you come up with your own ideas.  I'd love to hear your ideas if you feel like sharing--leave and comment and let me know how you think we can earn happiness in marriage.     

"Marriage is Wonderful."

"Pure love is an incomparable, potent power for good. Righteous love is the foundation of a successful marriage. It is the primary cause of contented, well-developed children...It is so rewarding to be married. Marriage is wonderful. In time you begin to think alike and have the same ideas and impressions. You have times when you are extremely happy, times of testing, and times of trial, but the Lord guides you through all of those growth experiences together."      Richard G. Scott

Disclaimer

I enjoy posting on this blog.  I really want everyone to be able to find happiness in their marriage.  But every time I post, I worry about what everyone reading will think.  Will they think I'm being judgmental?  Will they think I think I'm better than others?  Will they think I don't know what I'm talking about?  And I'm sure at times people reading this have thought all of those things.  So I just want to say that I feel strongly that marriage can be happy.  But I am no marriage expert.  I've been married 16 years, and I am in school getting my masters in counseling, hoping to one day be a marriage counselor, but that's about all the expertise I possess.  I confessed to my friend, Tamara, today that I had a disagreement with my husband last week, and I did not use any of the advice that I give others.  I did not use "I" statements.  I did not communicate clearly and respectfully.  I did not handle the situation very well.  She said that I don't have to have a perfect marriage in order to give others advice and support in their marriages, and I hope all of you readers feel the same way.  It is NEVER my intent to judge, or to make anyone feel bad with my posts.  I sincerely hope that you are never offended by my ramblings and my offerings.  Just know that I write what I write as much for my own benefit as for anyone else's.  And when I offer a challenge, I try to take it seriously and take on that challenge myself.  And sometimes I don't do so hot.  But I try...we all try.  We're all doing the best we can.  I hope I can be some source of support, comfort, or help to someone out there.   And I welcome your feedback.  Even if it is to tell me that I'm way off base, or that you totally disagree with what I'm saying.  Anyway, I just wanted to add my disclaimer that I am not an expert, and I know that I am not any better than anyone else at being married, or giving marriage advice.  So there.  I said it.  Now you know it.  Thanks for reading, and keep on working at making your marriage merry!  :)

Sleep and Marriage

My friend, Tamara, shared an article summarizing a recent study about how sleep effects marriage.  The gist of it is this: "For wives who had trouble going to sleep, marriage interactions turned substantially more negative than positive for both partners, the study found. In contrast, when husbands slept poorly, there was little difference in how the couples related the next day."  It turns out that when the wives had a bad night sleep, that tended to trigger marital tension the next day.   Adding to the problem, when there is marital tension, wives tend to have difficulty sleeping.  So you can see the cyclical nature of the problem: Bad Sleep-->Marital Tension-->Bad Sleep.  Another interesting fact is that "the stable presence of a husband or partner predicted better sleep quality in women, and wives who were happy in their marriages reported fewer sleep disturbances."  Many studies have shown that sleep is very important to our health, mood, memory, weight, and energy level.  Now we know that it can have an impact on our marriage as well!  Knowing this might help us to be on the lookout for the grumpies in our marriage the day after a bad night's sleep, and hopefully it will provide some added motivation for us ladies to get our beauty sleep every night.  :)  Here's the link to the whole article if you're interested:


When Wives Can't Sleep, Marriage May Suffer - Sleep Center - Everyday Health

Setting Boundaries

When a couple marries, they each bring a different set of values, beliefs, communication skills, habits, and expectations to the union.  Combining two separate behavior patterns into one healthy relationship can be challenging.  One thing that can really help is to communicate about your expectations, and set boundaries.  By setting boundaries, I mean to agree together on what things are not acceptable in your marriage.  For example, you might agree that you will never let an argument turn into a physical fight.  Or you might decide not to discuss your sex life with others.  You could decide not to raise your voices to each other.  You might make rules about not going out to eat alone with a member of the opposite sex.  These are just some examples of the types of things that might be important for you to set boundaries about so that you are both clear on each others' expectations (you may or may not find these examples relevant or important--but the key is to decide what is important to you individually and as a couple).  

OK, so what about those of us who are not newlyweds?  It might be harder to establish boundaries when you have already developed certain patterns of behavior within your marriage.  But is is never too late to communicate with each other about what is important to each of you, and what boundaries you feel are important.   Just remember that habits are hard to break, but it can be done.  And we are all only human.  The most important thing about setting boundaries is open, honest, respectful communication.   It is always better to communicate your expectations than to assume that you both feel the same way.  So think about your marriage.  Are all of your boundaries clearly established?  If not, have a conversation today with your spouse!

Prayer

Thanks to Tamara who mentioned this quote in one of her comments.  I love it...

"Pray for the love which allows you to see the good in your companion. Pray for the love that makes weaknesses and mistakes seem small. Pray for the love to make your companion’s joy your own. Pray for the love to want to lessen the load and soften the sorrows of your companion."     ~ Henry B. Eyring

Sometimes it is hard to remember to pray for our marriage and our spouse, but it can make a big difference.  I think a huge problem is when a person no longer wants to pray for their marriage or their spouse.  Feelings of anger, hurt, and betrayal can make us feel that way sometimes.  We must remember that when we feel like we don't want to pray is when we need to pray the most.  If you have no desire to pray for your marriage, then why not start there?  Pray for help.  Pray for the desire to want to work on your marriage and make things better.  I know from experience that prayer can accomplish miracles.  Prayer can soften hard hearts and help us to love, forgive, trust, and be happy.