Once you've been married a while, you may find yourselves having the same arguments over the same issues over and over. Sometimes there is a stretch of time between revisiting the issue. Sometimes, the problematic issue pops up frequently. Either way, we're left with the truth that it is hard to change. I'm no expert, but my advice is 1) Learn from your mistakes (and stop making them!), 2) Let go (keep the past in the past) and 3) Be adaptable (if your partner is not going to change, maybe you need to change your expectations or your attitude). Let's work on getting ourselves out of that rut. We need to find some higher ground, but in order to reach higher ground, you need to climb a little. Changing takes work and effort. Above all, don't stop the honest communication. Avoiding a topic does not equal overcoming a problem.
The next time the same old argument starts between you and your spouse, pause and think about what you can do to improve the situation and avoid having this conflict in the future. Sometimes just looking at the problem from a different perspective (what am I doing to perpetuate this argument?) changes everything. I know it's hard, but you can accept responsibility for your part. You can change. You are powerful and wonderful and strong, and you are able to change yourself and your attitude and your outlook on life and in your marriage for the better. Today is the first day of the rest of your marriage. Make it merry! :)
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
Thursday, October 3, 2013
You're Wrong. I'm Right!
We all disagree sometimes. Some of us have a harder time letting go of a disagreement than others. Some of us feel the need to prove to ourselves and our spouse that we are "right". Sometimes this need to be right can cause a great deal of pain, distress, and frustration in our relationship. What do you get out of being right? A sense of satisfaction maybe? Bragging rights? Are either of those benefits worth the pain you are causing yourself or your spouse? Have you ever heard the question, "Would I rather be right or would I rather be kind?" I would change the wording just a little so the question reads, "Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?" The temporary satisfaction of being right is probably not worth the damage it does to your relationship. And in the long run, you are trading the peace and happiness of a good marriage for bragging rights over something that probably doesn't matter much in the first place. The next time you disagree with your spouse, before you dig in your heels too hard or argue your point too vehemently, take a step back. Take a deep breath. Is this argument worth causing pain to yourself and your spouse? Is this issue worth the unhappiness it will cause if I keep arguing? When you weigh the cost and benefit of being right, is it really worth it? Instead of being right, be gracious. Instead of proving your point, prove your love to your spouse by letting go of the need to win the argument or be right. When the choice is a happy marriage vs being right, choose carefully! Your future happiness might be at stake.
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Royal Expectations and Four Under-Used Words in Marriage
First: The Princess Problem
We love our daughters, we do. We like to shower them with
affection and make them aware from a young age they are loved. And that they
are royal, daughters of God—daughters of a king! We want to make sure they know
what it means to be properly treated and respected. We want them to have
healthy relationships with caring men who recognize and appreciate them for who
they are: smart, talented, caring, lovely and kind.
But there can be a dark side to the castle life, and I’m not
talking about a lack of electricity. Instilling high standards and teaching the
value of a dedicated mother who is well supported by her husband can contribute
to a *lean in as I whisper this* . . . a
sense of entitlement.
Who would think treating our children with love and respect
and teaching them to expect it from others could lead to such a ghastly result?
Is it really something to worry about? (A quick little note: this can apply to princes as well as princesses and there can be several contributing causes to this attitude.)
One or both spouses with a sense of entitlement can spoil
the genuine feelings of love in a marriage. Someone who expects deferential
treatment or preferential treatment while not willing to do their share of the
work in a marriage can build feelings of resentment rather than real love.
Evidence of this destructive attitude crops up in arguments over the division
of labor: who is responsible for which chores, caring for the automobiles or
looking after the yard, etc. It shows up in differences in spending priorities:
saving or spending, new furniture or family vacation? Often a spouse will have
their pet project and want more money for what they feel is more important.
When there isn’t a balance of consideration to both spouses, a sense of
entitlement can be the culprit. It shows up in other areas, too, like the
treatment of goals and dreams of each spouse, as well as setting house rules
and or something as simple as mealtime.
When this attitude is combined with the current state of our
culture, saturated with consumerism and material goods and wealth, it can prove
a deadly threat to a marriage and consequently, a family. Most often what is missing
in a relationship plagued with a sense of entitlement is peace. One spouse may
never be satisfied, always feeling like he or she deserves more than what they think they are getting.
When I worked for a certain tax preparation company (that I
won’t name here), they sold a product I was encouraged to offer to clients. It
was something like audit protection. The company called it “Peace of Mind.” A
little ironic, I know. Many times as I offered it, I thought how no amount of
money can buy the peace of mind that comes from living within your means.
Money cannot buy the true peace
of mind that comes from following sound financial principles.
There is not enough money in the world to buy everything the
world may teach you to want.
There is not enough money in the world to buy the kind of
peace that comes with the discipline to live within one’s means. There just isn’t.
Living within one’s means may not prevent all financial
hardship or marital arguments, but living within one’s means (not spending
everything one earns) is like physical fitness and allows a couple or a family
to be better prepared to weather a financial storm.
Living beyond your means is a form of pride. It is spending
more money than you have to either look or feel wealthier than you are. It is a
farce, an expensive and dangerous façade. It cannot produce the kind of
contentment or happiness that it attempts to create as an image for others.
Living within your means brings peace, humility and greater
appreciation and happiness.
Living within your means allows you to meet your obligations
and possibly acquire reserves to be in a position to share and bless others in
need. Helping others in need isn’t usually on the mind of someone with a sense
of entitlement.
I love what Elder Hales had to say about this very topic:
[W]e must keep that most basic commandment, “Thou shalt not covet” (Exodus 20:17). Our world is fraught with feelings of entitlement. Some of us feel embarrassed, ashamed, less worthwhile if our family does not have everything the neighbors have. As a result, we go into debt to buy things we can’t afford—and things we do not really need. Whenever we do this, we become poor temporally and spiritually. We give away some of our precious, priceless agency and put ourselves in self-imposed servitude. Money we could have used to care for ourselves and others must now be used to pay our debts. What remains is often only enough to meet our most basic physical needs. Living at the subsistence level, we become depressed, our self-worth is affected, and our relationships with family, friends, neighbors, and the Lord are weakened. We do not have the time, energy, or interest to seek spiritual things.
How then do we avoid and overcome the patterns of debt and addiction to temporal, worldly things? May I share with you two lessons in provident living that can help each of us. These lessons, along with many other important lessons of my life, were taught to me by my wife and eternal companion. These lessons were learned at two different times in our marriage—both on occasions when I wanted to buy her a special gift.
The first lesson was learned when we were newly married and had very little money. I was in the air force, and we had missed Christmas together. I was on assignment overseas. When I got home, I saw a beautiful dress in a store window and suggested to my wife that if she liked it, we would buy it. Mary went into the dressing room of the store. After a moment the salesclerk came out, brushed by me, and returned the dress to its place in the store window. As we left the store, I asked, “What happened?” She replied, “It was a beautiful dress, but we can’t afford it!” Those words went straight to my heart. I have learned that the three most loving words are “I love you,” and the four most caring words for those we love are “We can’t afford it.”
The second lesson was learned several years later when we were more financially secure. Our wedding anniversary was approaching, and I wanted to buy Mary a fancy coat to show my love and appreciation for our many happy years together. When I asked what she thought of the coat I had in mind, she replied with words that again penetrated my heart and mind. “Where would I wear it?” she asked. (At the time she was a ward Relief Society president helping to minister to needy families.)Then she taught me an unforgettable lesson. She looked me in the eyes and sweetly asked, “Are you buying this for me or for you?” In other words, she was asking, “Is the purpose of this gift to show your love for me or to show me that you are a good provider or to prove something to the world?” I pondered her question and realized I was thinking less about her and our family and more about me.After that we had a serious, life-changing discussion about provident living, and both of us agreed that our money would be better spent in paying down our home mortgage and adding to our children’s education fund.
These two lessons are the essence of provident living. When faced with the choice to buy, consume, or engage in worldly things and activities, we all need to learn to say to one another, “We can’t afford it, even though we want it!” or “We can afford it, but we don’t need it—and we really don’t even want it!”
APRIL 2009 Becoming Provident Providers Temporally and
Spiritually, ELDER ROBERT D. HALES
Sister Hales did not have a Princess Problem! She did not
accept a new dress, though she could clearly see it was ‘beautiful,’ because she
knew they couldn’t afford it. No false sense of entitlement, no need to look
wealthier than they were.
The second example is even more stunning. They could afford
the coat he wanted to buy her, but she had no interest in parading around in a
fancy coat, why? As Elder Hales
explains, she was busy serving and helping others. Right. No sense of
entitlement, no need to appear as wealthy as they actually were. She had no
need to impress others—she was too busy loving and serving them!
Second: Did you catch the four most caring words for those we love?
“We can’t afford it.”
Hmm. When was the last time we heard that from our spouse
and it registered as caring? When was the last time we said it in a caring way?
If you want to be that kind of spouse, it’s not too late to begin using those words.
It’s not too late to refuse an extravagant gift, to refuse to go into more debt
to impress others or fill some appetite for image or wealth. And if you have
such a spouse, it’s not too late to say thank-you.
Posted by Tamara. Thank-you Cherene, for the invite to blog here!
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Love is a verb
I love this article about creating love. Love isn't something that just happens. Love is a choice you have to make every day. Love is hard work. Love is unselfish. The article is titled "I Didn't Love My Wife When We Got Married." Here is the link: http://popchassid.com/didnt-love-wife/
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Hard Times
I haven't posted in a few weeks, mostly because my life has been stressful lately. My marriage has been a little more difficult than usual lately. I hesitate to share any personal stuff about my own marriage in such a public forum, but I would jut like to say that even though I love to write about how to have a happy marriage, I struggle as much as anyone else to achieve that happiness. I know it is doable. I believe in happy marriages. Most of the time, I have a happy marriage. But sometimes stressful situations put a strain on relationships, and that is part of life. Sometimes, I have to put a lot more effort into being happily married than other times. Sometimes, my husband has to remind me to go back and read one of my own posts! :) I keep this blog as much for my own benefit as for the benefit of others. I never want to seem like I feel I have a better marriage than anyone else, or that I have all the answers. I really don't, and I'm happy to admit that. I just believe really strongly in happy marriages, and I want everyone else to believe in them too. When I'm struggling, here's what I hold on to:
1) I chose this. I chose this man. I chose this marriage. I committed to love him forever.
2) Be kind. Be patient, meek, and long-suffering. That's what the Lord has asked me to do.
3) There are good times and bad times. There are easy times and hard times. When things are hard, I know that they will get easy again. Plenty of good times are ahead.
4) Communicate, communicate, communicate!
5) Don't ever start keeping score. My job is to love without limits and to give all that I have to this marriage and my family.
6) When I'm angry or frustrated, that's when I need to love and sacrifice and serve my husband. Nothing dispels anger like doing something kind for the person you're angry with.
"Harmony in marriage comes only when one esteems the welfare of his or her spouse among the highest of priorities. When that really happens, a celestial marriage becomes a reality, bringing great joy in this life and in the life to come...celestial marriage brings greater possibilities for happiness than does any other relationship."~Russell M. Nelson
1) I chose this. I chose this man. I chose this marriage. I committed to love him forever.
2) Be kind. Be patient, meek, and long-suffering. That's what the Lord has asked me to do.
3) There are good times and bad times. There are easy times and hard times. When things are hard, I know that they will get easy again. Plenty of good times are ahead.
4) Communicate, communicate, communicate!
5) Don't ever start keeping score. My job is to love without limits and to give all that I have to this marriage and my family.
6) When I'm angry or frustrated, that's when I need to love and sacrifice and serve my husband. Nothing dispels anger like doing something kind for the person you're angry with.
"Harmony in marriage comes only when one esteems the welfare of his or her spouse among the highest of priorities. When that really happens, a celestial marriage becomes a reality, bringing great joy in this life and in the life to come...celestial marriage brings greater possibilities for happiness than does any other relationship."~Russell M. Nelson
Monday, August 19, 2013
Dating Ideas
When is the last time you and your honey went on a date? When is the last time you put a little effort into planning a date? When is the last time you had a lot of FUN on a date? I found this really cute website with TONS of ideas for date night with your spouse. Check it out, and then put a little effort into planning a fun date for the two of you. Rekindle the romance, people! :)
http://www.thedatingdivas.com/
http://www.thedatingdivas.com/
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
"Let husband and wife never speak to each other in loud tones unless the house is on fire."
~David O. McKay
One of my clients recently informed me in a counseling session that it is not possible to have a marriage that does not involve yelling, name calling, and disrespecting each other when angry. I questioned his belief, and he informed me that he has NEVER witnessed a marriage relationship that is free from those negative elements--not in his marriage, his friends' marriages, his family members' marriages...NEVER. When I told him it is possible to have a successful marriage without ever yelling, he laughed. It made me sad for him (and his friends and family), and it made me wonder how many other people feel that same way.
One of my friends told me that she and her husband decided from day one that they didn't want to have any yelling in their house, so they agreed to never yell at each other or their future children. And guess what? They don't yell in their family. Awesome, right? I wish my husband and I had thought of that and agreed to that when we were newlyweds, but we didn't. And there were times early on in our marriage when we disagreed and we yelled. But over the years, we've gotten better at being respectful and calm. We've practiced using "I" statements and re-stating what the other said. We have worked on talking about heated issues only when we are both calm and well-rested. And now we don't yell at each other (unless one person has headphones on or is using the vacuum cleaner). :) It takes a little effort, but it is definitely possible. I have seen it work in my marriage and in the marriages of my friends. If you are in the habit of yelling at each other or being disrespectful when you disagree, then make a change. Sit down and talk about what behaviors you want to change, and then change them. With a little effort and practice, you can transform the nature of your marriage into one that is respectful, calm, and happy. Give it a try!
~David O. McKay
One of my clients recently informed me in a counseling session that it is not possible to have a marriage that does not involve yelling, name calling, and disrespecting each other when angry. I questioned his belief, and he informed me that he has NEVER witnessed a marriage relationship that is free from those negative elements--not in his marriage, his friends' marriages, his family members' marriages...NEVER. When I told him it is possible to have a successful marriage without ever yelling, he laughed. It made me sad for him (and his friends and family), and it made me wonder how many other people feel that same way.
One of my friends told me that she and her husband decided from day one that they didn't want to have any yelling in their house, so they agreed to never yell at each other or their future children. And guess what? They don't yell in their family. Awesome, right? I wish my husband and I had thought of that and agreed to that when we were newlyweds, but we didn't. And there were times early on in our marriage when we disagreed and we yelled. But over the years, we've gotten better at being respectful and calm. We've practiced using "I" statements and re-stating what the other said. We have worked on talking about heated issues only when we are both calm and well-rested. And now we don't yell at each other (unless one person has headphones on or is using the vacuum cleaner). :) It takes a little effort, but it is definitely possible. I have seen it work in my marriage and in the marriages of my friends. If you are in the habit of yelling at each other or being disrespectful when you disagree, then make a change. Sit down and talk about what behaviors you want to change, and then change them. With a little effort and practice, you can transform the nature of your marriage into one that is respectful, calm, and happy. Give it a try!
Friday, July 26, 2013
Great Article
I love, love, love this article titled "3 Things I Wish I Knew Before We Got Married". Read it. Now!
http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationships/3-things-i-wish-i-knew-we-got-married
http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationships/3-things-i-wish-i-knew-we-got-married
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Expressing Love
It is very important to your marriage to express love often to your spouse. This may seem like a no-brainer piece of advice to some of you, but I have noticed that it is a challenge for some couples. One couple I counseled recently comes to mind. They were having a difficult time communicating with each other, so I was helping them work on their communication skills. I asked each to take a turn looking at their spouse and communicating something positive that they liked or appreciated about the other. Uncomfortable silence followed. I repeated the instructions, and encouraged the husband to proceed. He looked at me and said, "I appreciate that she...". I interrupted and asked him to look at his wife and tell his wife directly. After another stretch of silence, he looked at his wife and in a sweet and simple sentence expressed his love for her, as well as gratitude for all she did in taking care of their children and the home. The wife broke down in tears. This was the first time he had ever looked into her eyes and expressed his heartfelt love for her. It was a very important milestone in their marriage, and hopefully a turning point in their marriage.
I read an article about a study (by Dr. Terry Orbuch) of divorced people's top regrets , and the #1 thing that divorced people would advise doing differently was showing more affection to their spouse. This includes compliments, cuddling and kissing, saying "I love you", hand-holding, and emotional support. Expressing love to your spouse is VERY important to the health and happiness of your marriage. It builds trust. It allows your love to grow. It engenders a feeling of safety.
One very interesting fact in Dr. Orbuch's study was that men seem to need this type of affirmation even more than women do. In her study, when the husband reported that his wife didn't show love and affection, the couple was more than twice as likely to divorce as when the man said he felt cared for and appreciated. I have a theory (which isn't backed by any research--just observations), that men who feel emotionally connected, appreciated, and loved are much less likely to cheat on their spouses.
I challenge you to express some kind of love or appreciation to your spouse every day. If you aren't used to doing this, you can start small. A simple, "I love you" or "You're a great parent" is a good start. If saying the words is challenging, try a loving action, such as a hug or write a little note expressing affection. If you already express love every day, ramp it up, change it around, or add something extra or different. If you aren't feeling the love right now, express whatever appreciation or kindness you can. Even if you are in a tough spot in your marriage where you are feeling hurt or betrayed or angry, you can find something positive to express. And you'll find that expressing love and appreciation not only benefits your spouse, but also strengthens your love and commitment as well. It's a win-win! You both will benefit from the expression, and your marriage relationship will be the ultimate winner from your efforts.
I read an article about a study (by Dr. Terry Orbuch) of divorced people's top regrets , and the #1 thing that divorced people would advise doing differently was showing more affection to their spouse. This includes compliments, cuddling and kissing, saying "I love you", hand-holding, and emotional support. Expressing love to your spouse is VERY important to the health and happiness of your marriage. It builds trust. It allows your love to grow. It engenders a feeling of safety.
One very interesting fact in Dr. Orbuch's study was that men seem to need this type of affirmation even more than women do. In her study, when the husband reported that his wife didn't show love and affection, the couple was more than twice as likely to divorce as when the man said he felt cared for and appreciated. I have a theory (which isn't backed by any research--just observations), that men who feel emotionally connected, appreciated, and loved are much less likely to cheat on their spouses.
I challenge you to express some kind of love or appreciation to your spouse every day. If you aren't used to doing this, you can start small. A simple, "I love you" or "You're a great parent" is a good start. If saying the words is challenging, try a loving action, such as a hug or write a little note expressing affection. If you already express love every day, ramp it up, change it around, or add something extra or different. If you aren't feeling the love right now, express whatever appreciation or kindness you can. Even if you are in a tough spot in your marriage where you are feeling hurt or betrayed or angry, you can find something positive to express. And you'll find that expressing love and appreciation not only benefits your spouse, but also strengthens your love and commitment as well. It's a win-win! You both will benefit from the expression, and your marriage relationship will be the ultimate winner from your efforts.
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Quotes
A few quotes from the talk "The Home: The School of Life" by Enrique R. Falabella.
The Lord has clearly described the attributes which should guide our dealings with other people. These are persuasion, long-suffering, gentleness, meekness, and love unfeigned.
The words “I love you,” “Thank you very much,” and “Forgive me” are like a balm for the soul. They transform tears into happiness. They provide comfort to the weighed-down soul, and they confirm the tender feelings of our heart. Just as plants wither with the lack of precious water, our love languishes and dies as we put to rest the words and acts of love."
Lots of wise words. If you want to read the whole talk, the link is here: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/04/the-home-the-school-of-life?lang=eng
"One of my wife’s mottoes has been “In order to contend, you need two people, and I will never be one of them.”
The Lord has clearly described the attributes which should guide our dealings with other people. These are persuasion, long-suffering, gentleness, meekness, and love unfeigned.
The words “I love you,” “Thank you very much,” and “Forgive me” are like a balm for the soul. They transform tears into happiness. They provide comfort to the weighed-down soul, and they confirm the tender feelings of our heart. Just as plants wither with the lack of precious water, our love languishes and dies as we put to rest the words and acts of love."
Lots of wise words. If you want to read the whole talk, the link is here: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/04/the-home-the-school-of-life?lang=eng
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Trials Quote
Our Stake President mentioned this quote a few weeks ago at church, and it has been on my mind ever since:
"Trials are mandatory. Misery is optional."
I love it, and it speaks for itself so I won't muddy it up by adding a long commentary. Life is hard. Marriage can be hard. But we can still be happy no matter what trials come our way. Choose happiness!
"Trials are mandatory. Misery is optional."
I love it, and it speaks for itself so I won't muddy it up by adding a long commentary. Life is hard. Marriage can be hard. But we can still be happy no matter what trials come our way. Choose happiness!
Friday, April 19, 2013
What is it about Mr. Darcy?
I am a huge Jane Austen fan. Huge. My favorite book is Pride and Prejudice. My favorite movie is Pride and Prejudice (the 2005 Kiera Knightly version in case you were wondering). Like millions of other women all over the world, I love Mr. Darcy. And yes, I do know that he is a fictional character. My husband asked me a few days ago (not for the first time either), "What is it about Mr. Darcy? Is it that he's rich?" And this time, I put a little more thought into my answer (instead of my usual silly reply about men with British accents wearing breeches). Here's what I told him:
Every woman wants to be loved. REALLY, really loved. Totally adored. It's not that Mr. Darcy is rich, it's that being rich, he has certain responsibilities to his family and his estate to marry well, and he's willing to put all of that aside because he loves Elizabeth so very much. He's willing to ignore the ridicule and backlash he receives from his enraged Aunt De Bourgh. He's willing to sacrifice his pride and go against his family's expectations for him because of his love for Elizabeth. And that's just the beginning. When Elizabeth doesn't see his good qualities or appreciate his devotion, she thoroughly rejects his proposal (which I don't think Darcy had even considered was a possibility). So now, Darcy realizes that he loves Elizabeth, but his love is not returned. When she rejected him, he could've easily been very angry that he had been willing to sacrifice so much in offering her his hand, and she did not appreciate at all his sacrifice or struggle. He could've let his pride and anger change his feelings towards Elizabeth to those of contempt and disgust. (Kind of like Mr. Elton did when Emma rejected him in another Jane Austen classic.) But instead, Darcy continues to hold on to his love for Elizabeth.
The next time they meet, I'm sure Elizabeth is expecting a cool, unfriendly greeting, but no. He loves her still. He wants her to be happy. He wants to be around her. He wants to introduce her to his sister. Then, when Elizabeth is faced with a family scandal that makes her situation even more unsuitable for Mr. Darcy, he steps up and intervenes to help smooth things out the best he can. At great personal sacrifice (both of his time and money), he does what he can to assist and make the best of a bad situation--all because he loves Elizabeth and wants her to be happy. As far as he knows, she despises him still, but his love for her continues despite her lack of feeling towards him. He loves her enough to sacrifice for her even if she doesn't return his feelings. He loves her enough to change his mind about the suitability of his best friend marrying Elizabeth's sister. He admits he was wrong, and he does everything he can to remedy the situation and help that couple get together because he knows it will make Elizabeth happy. He does all these kind things for Elizabeth because he loves her. No expectations from her. After doing these kind deeds, he doesn't renew his proposal or expect a change of heart. Only after Elizabeth scolds his Aunt and refuses to vow that she won't marry Darcy does he begin to hope that her feelings for him might have changed.
So what is it about Mr. Darcy? It's that he loves Elizabeth so much that he is willing to sacrifice for her. Even after she rejects him (and falsely accuses him of ruining Mr. Wickam's life), he still loves her so much that he is willing to sacrifice for her and do anything he can just to make her happy. That is an unselfish love. That is a pure, adoring, amazing love. And I think THAT is what every woman wants. The fact that he's rich is kind of a bonus. :)
Not a P&P fan? Edward Cullen in Twilight is much the same. Men all over the world roll their eyes at their woman's infatuation with this sparkly guy. They think it's his perfect good looks or his money that make the women swoon, but I think it's much more than that. Edward loves Bella so much that he is willing to sacrifice for her (being with her requires him to be in constant pain and struggle). He loves her so much he is willing to sacrifice being with her (by leaving because he believes she'll have a better life without him). His unselfish love and devotion are the main reasons why most women love Edward. Again, the fact that he's rich and incredibly good looking are just a bonus. :)
The bottom line is that we all want to be loved. We all want someone to be totally, unselfishly devoted to us. We all want to be completely adored. So, how do you get that kind of love and devotion? That is the million dollar question! I think that you receive that kind of love and devotion when you give that kind of love and devotion. Your spouse wants to be loved and adored, so love and adore them. Their most likely response will be to love and adore you back! Treat your spouse like they are your greatest treasure and you will most likely be treated pretty well yourself. Then you can have your own Mr. Darcy, and your own happily every after...for real.
(Posted by Cherene)
Every woman wants to be loved. REALLY, really loved. Totally adored. It's not that Mr. Darcy is rich, it's that being rich, he has certain responsibilities to his family and his estate to marry well, and he's willing to put all of that aside because he loves Elizabeth so very much. He's willing to ignore the ridicule and backlash he receives from his enraged Aunt De Bourgh. He's willing to sacrifice his pride and go against his family's expectations for him because of his love for Elizabeth. And that's just the beginning. When Elizabeth doesn't see his good qualities or appreciate his devotion, she thoroughly rejects his proposal (which I don't think Darcy had even considered was a possibility). So now, Darcy realizes that he loves Elizabeth, but his love is not returned. When she rejected him, he could've easily been very angry that he had been willing to sacrifice so much in offering her his hand, and she did not appreciate at all his sacrifice or struggle. He could've let his pride and anger change his feelings towards Elizabeth to those of contempt and disgust. (Kind of like Mr. Elton did when Emma rejected him in another Jane Austen classic.) But instead, Darcy continues to hold on to his love for Elizabeth.
The next time they meet, I'm sure Elizabeth is expecting a cool, unfriendly greeting, but no. He loves her still. He wants her to be happy. He wants to be around her. He wants to introduce her to his sister. Then, when Elizabeth is faced with a family scandal that makes her situation even more unsuitable for Mr. Darcy, he steps up and intervenes to help smooth things out the best he can. At great personal sacrifice (both of his time and money), he does what he can to assist and make the best of a bad situation--all because he loves Elizabeth and wants her to be happy. As far as he knows, she despises him still, but his love for her continues despite her lack of feeling towards him. He loves her enough to sacrifice for her even if she doesn't return his feelings. He loves her enough to change his mind about the suitability of his best friend marrying Elizabeth's sister. He admits he was wrong, and he does everything he can to remedy the situation and help that couple get together because he knows it will make Elizabeth happy. He does all these kind things for Elizabeth because he loves her. No expectations from her. After doing these kind deeds, he doesn't renew his proposal or expect a change of heart. Only after Elizabeth scolds his Aunt and refuses to vow that she won't marry Darcy does he begin to hope that her feelings for him might have changed.
So what is it about Mr. Darcy? It's that he loves Elizabeth so much that he is willing to sacrifice for her. Even after she rejects him (and falsely accuses him of ruining Mr. Wickam's life), he still loves her so much that he is willing to sacrifice for her and do anything he can just to make her happy. That is an unselfish love. That is a pure, adoring, amazing love. And I think THAT is what every woman wants. The fact that he's rich is kind of a bonus. :)
Not a P&P fan? Edward Cullen in Twilight is much the same. Men all over the world roll their eyes at their woman's infatuation with this sparkly guy. They think it's his perfect good looks or his money that make the women swoon, but I think it's much more than that. Edward loves Bella so much that he is willing to sacrifice for her (being with her requires him to be in constant pain and struggle). He loves her so much he is willing to sacrifice being with her (by leaving because he believes she'll have a better life without him). His unselfish love and devotion are the main reasons why most women love Edward. Again, the fact that he's rich and incredibly good looking are just a bonus. :)
The bottom line is that we all want to be loved. We all want someone to be totally, unselfishly devoted to us. We all want to be completely adored. So, how do you get that kind of love and devotion? That is the million dollar question! I think that you receive that kind of love and devotion when you give that kind of love and devotion. Your spouse wants to be loved and adored, so love and adore them. Their most likely response will be to love and adore you back! Treat your spouse like they are your greatest treasure and you will most likely be treated pretty well yourself. Then you can have your own Mr. Darcy, and your own happily every after...for real.
(Posted by Cherene)
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Divine Design
I love this quote from L. Tom Perry about marriage and family structure. I like how he emphasizes the importance of husbands and wives being partnerships, and communicating effectively.
"I believe it is by divine design that the role of motherhood emphasizes the nurturing and teaching of the next generation. But it is wonderful to see husbands and wives who have worked out real partnerships where they blend together their influence and communicate effectively both about their children and to their children."
"I believe it is by divine design that the role of motherhood emphasizes the nurturing and teaching of the next generation. But it is wonderful to see husbands and wives who have worked out real partnerships where they blend together their influence and communicate effectively both about their children and to their children."
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Translating
As a counselor, I take on many different roles in people's lives. At different times I'm an educator, a listener, a sounding board, a confidante...the list goes on and on. But sometimes when I'm working with a couple, I find myself in the interesting role of being a translator. I'll give you an example from a couple I worked with, but of course I'll change the names and the circumstances. In the middle of a session where I was trying to teach Jane and John how to communicate when they were having a difference of opinion (we talked about taking time-outs, using "I" statements, re-stating what the other had just said), John got a phone call which he stepped out of the room to take. He spoke with the person on the phone for two minutes, and then re-joined the session. I could tell Jane was really frustrated with John, so I told them that this would be a great way to practice the skills we were just talking about. So I asked Jane to express her frustration to John.
What happened next was very interesting. I watched Jane and John argue about whether or not it was rude or appropriate for him to take a call during the session, and I realized that underneath the surface argument, there was a lot of emotional stuff going on that neither Jane nor John realized. With a little pause and reflection, Jane was able to realize what was going on emotionally for her, and why she had such a strong reaction to a small interruption. The argument wasn't really about whether or not it was rude to answer a phone call in the middle of a session. The argument was really about Jane feeling like John was not making her or their relationship a priority. Light-bulb moment for both of them!! As John struggled to find the right words to reassure Jane, what came out of his mouth actually sounded to Jane like he was throwing something from her past into her face. John was well-meaning, but in her raw emotional state, Jane heard the words but missed the emotional content behind them. Again, I was able to search for the emotional message behind John's misguided attempt to reassure Jane, and once Jane let down her wall of defensiveness and anger, she was able to see that John's words were meant to express love and commitment. I joked with them that I was their translator, but later I thought a lot about the words we say and how often they do not reflect accurately what we are feeling at the time.
I've mentioned before that anger is not a primary emotion. When we get angry, there is usually some underlying primary emotion such as fear or hurt. Unfortunately, most of the time we don't have a translator present to help us to understand and restate what we are really feeling. The next time you feel angry with your spouse, pause and think about what the feeling is behind the anger. What are you really feeling? It's much easier to be angry than to be hurt. It's easier to tell someone that they are rude and inconsiderate than to tell them that you felt hurt and abandoned by their actions. But you can argue for hours about some surface issue that really has no meaning, and never get anywhere because the real issue (the emotional content) is not apparent to either of you. Instead of wasting time arguing about answering the phone call (or leaving the toothpaste cap off, or doing the dishes, or spending time with friends, or whatever the surface issue is), take some time to figure out what is going on emotionally. Why are you really upset? Then instead of talking about the surface issue, talk about how you really feel. Talk about why you are feeling the way you are feeling. And then listen. Really listen. Not just to the words your spouse is saying, but listen for the emotional content behind those words. I hate to generalize, but men usually aren't the best at communicating feelings. It is really hard for a lot of men to talk about their feelings. So be prepared to be a translator. Figuring out and accurately expressing your own feelings, and then figuring out what your spouse is really trying to express can be challenging, but I think it can take your disagreements and your relationship to a whole new level of understanding. And that's a good thing!
Posted by Cherene
What happened next was very interesting. I watched Jane and John argue about whether or not it was rude or appropriate for him to take a call during the session, and I realized that underneath the surface argument, there was a lot of emotional stuff going on that neither Jane nor John realized. With a little pause and reflection, Jane was able to realize what was going on emotionally for her, and why she had such a strong reaction to a small interruption. The argument wasn't really about whether or not it was rude to answer a phone call in the middle of a session. The argument was really about Jane feeling like John was not making her or their relationship a priority. Light-bulb moment for both of them!! As John struggled to find the right words to reassure Jane, what came out of his mouth actually sounded to Jane like he was throwing something from her past into her face. John was well-meaning, but in her raw emotional state, Jane heard the words but missed the emotional content behind them. Again, I was able to search for the emotional message behind John's misguided attempt to reassure Jane, and once Jane let down her wall of defensiveness and anger, she was able to see that John's words were meant to express love and commitment. I joked with them that I was their translator, but later I thought a lot about the words we say and how often they do not reflect accurately what we are feeling at the time.
I've mentioned before that anger is not a primary emotion. When we get angry, there is usually some underlying primary emotion such as fear or hurt. Unfortunately, most of the time we don't have a translator present to help us to understand and restate what we are really feeling. The next time you feel angry with your spouse, pause and think about what the feeling is behind the anger. What are you really feeling? It's much easier to be angry than to be hurt. It's easier to tell someone that they are rude and inconsiderate than to tell them that you felt hurt and abandoned by their actions. But you can argue for hours about some surface issue that really has no meaning, and never get anywhere because the real issue (the emotional content) is not apparent to either of you. Instead of wasting time arguing about answering the phone call (or leaving the toothpaste cap off, or doing the dishes, or spending time with friends, or whatever the surface issue is), take some time to figure out what is going on emotionally. Why are you really upset? Then instead of talking about the surface issue, talk about how you really feel. Talk about why you are feeling the way you are feeling. And then listen. Really listen. Not just to the words your spouse is saying, but listen for the emotional content behind those words. I hate to generalize, but men usually aren't the best at communicating feelings. It is really hard for a lot of men to talk about their feelings. So be prepared to be a translator. Figuring out and accurately expressing your own feelings, and then figuring out what your spouse is really trying to express can be challenging, but I think it can take your disagreements and your relationship to a whole new level of understanding. And that's a good thing!
Posted by Cherene
Sunday, March 17, 2013
The Greatest Joy
"The joining together of a man and a woman to be legally and lawfully wed not only is preparation for future generations to inherit the earth, but it also brings the greatest joy and satisfaction that can be found in this mortal experience." ~ L. Tom Perry
Thursday, February 28, 2013
3 months later
I haven't posted anything in three months! I started working part-time as a counselor (just a few hours a week), and I am not doing much couples or marriage work, so my focus has been elsewhere. I would really like to get back to posting on a regular basis, because it definitely helps my marriage when I post because I am consciously thinking about the importance of marriage and how I can improve my marriage. So, to get back into the swing of things, I'm going to just keep it simple today and post some marriage advice that my sister-in-law shared with me:
"Don't nickel-and-dime chores. Don't strive for a relationship that
I love her quote, because I think we all get caught up in worrying about what's "fair" too often. When you are willing to sacrifice and serve your spouse, your love for them grows, and your marriage ends up being so much happier. When you are constantly keeping score, it is easy to feel like your spouse owes you, and you end up feeling bitter and resentful. Freely give, and you'll be happier!
Posted by Cherene
"Don't nickel-and-dime chores. Don't strive for a relationship that
is 50-50. Give 150%, strive to give everything you can."
I love her quote, because I think we all get caught up in worrying about what's "fair" too often. When you are willing to sacrifice and serve your spouse, your love for them grows, and your marriage ends up being so much happier. When you are constantly keeping score, it is easy to feel like your spouse owes you, and you end up feeling bitter and resentful. Freely give, and you'll be happier!
Posted by Cherene
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