Quote of the Day

"A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers." 
~Ruth Bell Graham

The Secret

Smile for the day:  One man, celebrating his fiftieth wedding anniversary, told the secret of his marital success.  He woke up every morning, looked in the mirror, and said, "You're no prize either."    (:

How to Apologize

There is so much power in an apology.  Two little words, "I'm sorry," can deflate anger, repair damage, engender humility, and make amends like magic!  Those two little words should be easy to say, but for some reason, they can be very, very difficult.  Admitting you are wrong takes courage, humility, and grace.  Here are some tips for how to apologize:

1) Take full responsibility.  "I'm sorry I yelled, but you made me so angry when you..." is NOT an apology.  Do not offer up any excuses.  Admit you were wrong, and say "I'm sorry."  Period.

2) Be specific.  Name the offense, and the feelings it may have caused in the offended party.  (Again, NO EXCUSES.) For example, "I'm sorry I yelled.  I can see how you might feel angry or defensive after being treated that way.  I should not have yelled, and I apologize for treating you that way."

3) Make amends, and tell your spouse how important they are to you and why. 

4) Ask for forgiveness.  If your spouse is not willing to forgive you at that moment, be patient.  Realize that your apology does not require your spouse to forgive you.  They may need some time and space in order to let go of their hurt, and be able to trust you again.

5) Don't apologize unless you really mean it.  If you know you're in the wrong, but are still too angry to offer a sincere apology, wait until you cool down.  Pray for help, and the strength to apologize.

6) Learn from your mistakes and change for the better!  A sincere apology doesn't mean too much if the offender turns around and does the offending behavior again right away.

There you go.  I think the very  most important thing to remember is to not make excuses.  That is where most apologies go wrong!  If you ever catch yourself saying, "I'm sorry, but..." stop and realize that that is not an apology.  Apologizing is hard work, but the benefits are well worth it!

How Retirement Affects Marriage

I'm taking a class on "Aging and the Family" right now, and I found this reading about marriage after retirement really interesting. 

"Although retirement does not generally have big effects on marital quality, it is not inconsequential.  Positive changes brought about by retirement include increased freedom to develop joint endeavors, increased companionship, fewer time pressures, and a more relaxed atmosphere at home.  Spouses who engage in joint decision-making and shared activities are especially likely to benefit from retirement. 

Retirement may also be disruptive.  The dominant theme is wives’ complaints about husbands being underfoot, a lack of privacy, and too much togetherness.  Younger and working wives also complain about a lack of assistance with household chores.  For husbands, the dominant theme is dismay about their wives’ humdrum routines (this is likely a cohort effect) as well as dismay that their wives have an on-going social life that does not include them. 

For most couples, it appears that retirement brings some issues that are conflictual or disruptive, and that most couples adapt to their new stage of life.  Overall, for most couples, the quality of marital life appears to remain the same -- those who had strong marriages before retirement continue to have strong marriages afterward, and those who had problematic marriages before continue in the same vein after."

For the kids

One common misconception out there is that ending an unhappy marriage is better for the kids.  Research does not support this, because it is not true.  There are few cases where the children benefit from a split, and those are cases in which the child's safety is threatened by violence or addiction of a parent.  Barring those situations, staying together is the healthier situation for the children.  But rather than stay in an unhappy marriage (or end it with divorce), why not improve your marriage?  That is a win-win situation.  The children benefit from having both parents together in the home, and the parents benefit from having a happy relationship.  I know I'm making it sound overly simple, but that is the reality.  If your relationship is not what you want it to be, commit to changing.  Commit to never give up.  Realize that one of the first requirements of good parenting is loving the other parent.  If you want what is best for your children, love your spouse and make every effort to save your marriage. 

Conflict Happens

There will be conflict in every marriage--that is a given.  How you deal with the conflict can make or break a marriage.  It can also greatly effect our own happiness.  So here are a few tips for dealing with conflict.  Again, you can apply these to any relationship--not just marriage.
1) Look for patterns.  Is there one fight you keep having over and over?  One topic that is always a sore spot?  One time of day (or week or month) when arguments usually occur?  Once you find out your argument pattern,
here are some helps:
     A) Try to pinpoint a cause.  Why does this situation, word, or event lead to problems?  Sometimes, there may be an unpleasant emotion behind the argument that causes your guard to go up, or your judgment to go away.  Is there some lurking fear, anxiety or worry you're experiencing?  Some truth you don't want to face?  Some shortcoming on your part that you are reluctant to admit?  Some frustration you have with a particular person (in-law maybe), or character trait of your spouse?  The cause could be anything, but the important thing is to be honest with yourself, and to try to discover what it is that is at the bottom of the conflict.
     B)  Communicate, Communicate, Communicate.  Once you can pinpoint a cause, find a time when you and your spouse are both calm and have an open, honest discussion about what you've discovered.  If you haven't been able to pinpoint a cause, brainstorm together.  Make sure to use your I-statements!! (See previous posts.)  It is amazing what honest, non-angry (is that a word?) communication can accomplish. 
2) Practice patience.  Acknowledge your angry feelings, and try to replace them with other feelings.  For example, try to find the humor in the situation, or even distract yourself with your to-do list, or listen to your favorite song.
3) Wait until you calm down to talk to your spouse or continue the discussion.  When I got married, I received the advice to never go to bed angry.  At some point, I realized that staying up trying to resolve a conflict til 2am because we were both angry (and our exhaustion made it worse) was not helpful for our relationship.  It works much better for us to acknowledge that we need to continue our discussion when we are both well-rested and less emotional about it.  The conflict  always looks much less threatening, negative, and important in the morning after some sleep.  Remember that when you are angry, you can't think rationally, and it is very difficult to have a productive conversation.  Calm down, think out what you want to say, and then communicate when you are both feeling more level-headed. 
4) Pray for help.  It does wonders for your mood, your perspective, and your marriage. 
5)  Remember the big picture.  Ask yourself if this conflict is important in the grand scheme of things.  Try to have a memory in your head of happier times (maybe your first date, your wedding day, or the birth of a child), and when you're feeling really frustrated, pull up that mental image and remind yourself why you love your spouse.  Tell yourself that all good things take effort, and your marriage is worth the effort! 

Quote of the Day

"A wedding anniversary is the celebration of love, trust, partnership, tolerance and tenacity. The order varies for any given year."

~ Paul Sweeney

The Power of Laughter

Don't underestimate the power of laughter! It can transform difficult situations in an instant. Laugh together every day. Not just at jokes and silliness, but be able to laugh at yourself and find the humor in every situation. I love these quotes about laughter:  
"What soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul." ~Yiddish Proverb  
"When people are laughing, they're generally not killing each other." ~Alan Alda

"Laughter is the shortest distance between two people." ~Victor Borge

"What monstrous absurdities and paradoxes have resisted whole batteries of serious arguments, and then crumbled swiftly into dust before the ringing death-knell of a laugh!" ~Agnes Repplier

"The most wasted of all days is one without laughter." ~e.e. cummings

Interesting.

One research study we recently talked about in my Aging class indicated that women differ from men in their sources of marital satisfaction. Equity in the division of labor and strong emotional support are highly linked to marital satisfaction for women, but not for men. Interesting, huh? We can't assume that our spouse values the same things we do in marriage. To me, this reinforces the need for constant open communication between spouses. Let's not assume they know what we want or how we feel--because they probably don't! (:

Quote of the Day

"What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility."

~ Leo Nikolaevich Tolstoy

One Step Further

Using I-statements is going to take some time and practice. But for those of you who have been doing it for years, or who are already great at it, here's how to take it one step further. Instead of saying "I feel...when...because..." what if you said, "I CHOOSE to feel....when...because..."? OK you might be hating me right now and thinking that is ridiculous, but think about it. It is ALWAYS our choice to feel any given way. Sometimes we are afraid to acknowledge that, because it puts all the responsibility of our thoughts and behavior on ourselves (where it belongs). It is much easier to blame your spouse (or kids, or mom, or whomever) for how you feel.

Here's an example: "I choose to feel scared when you come home late because I am worried that something has happened to you." It is a choice to feel scared. It may be your initial reaction, and it may feel like something you have no control over, but believe me, you do. When you start to feel scared (and maybe even start to worry that he is dead, and start to wonder how you'll find out, and who you'll call in what order, etc) you can stop at any moment and say to yourself, "This is not a healthy way for me to think right now. I don't need to worry and be scared. I choose to relax and be grateful that ...(you fill in the blank)." How would that be, to be in control of your feelings like that? Empowering, right? Well, guess what? You are in control! Next time he's late, how about choosing to feel grateful that he has a job to come home from, or choosing to feel happy that you have someone in your life that is coming home to you, or whatever you want to feel that is positive and will make you feel good. Or, if you want to feel scared, that can be OK too as long as you realize that you have a choice, and could feel otherwise if you made an effort to. Unfortunately, it does take effort (a lot of effort and practice too) to take control of your thoughts and feelings.

I think adding that one little word "choose" into the I-statement puts it in perspective, and puts you in control. I know it is hard to do. If you can't bring yourself to say it, how about just thinking it. When you say, "I feel...when...", be thinking in your head, "I choose to feel...when..." It will just help you realize that YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF HOW YOU FEEL. Sure, your spouse may have been rude or selfish or inconsiderate (after all, nobody's perfect), and it is important to communicate when you feel hurt or upset by their words or actions, but just remember that you chose to feel how you feel. Sometimes it is understandable and "normal" to feel frustrated or angry based on the circumstances. And that is OK. The important thing is just to realize that you can choose how you feel and how you react to any circumstance.

So there's my challenge to you. Not only to use I-statements, but to add in the word "CHOOSE" and acknowledge (at least to yourself) that the way you are feeling is your choice.

Using I-Statements

In marriage, good communication is so very important. It is really important to communicate your love and appreciation, but it is also very important to communicate frustration, anger, and hurt. The key is to communicate the negative emotions in a respectful way. Using I-statements is a great way to communicate respectfully without blaming, ridiculing, or judging your spouse. Instead of making an accusation or placing blame (which puts your partner on the defensive), you are expressing how you feel in a clear and assertive way. There are four parts to I-statements:
1) "I"
2) What you feel
3) The event that evoked your feeling
4) The effect the event has on you
So it will look like this, "I feel (2) when (3) because (4)."
Example: I feel scared when you come home late from work because I'm worried that you got in an accident. OR I feel frustrated when you make plans with your friends for the weekend without consulting me because sometimes I have something in mind for us to do that I haven't discussed with you yet.
TIPS:
*Refer to the specific behavior, not the person: "when I'm shouted at" or "when you don't call" instead of being vague "when you're mean."
*Avoid disguised you-statements: I feel that you are .... (This is not an I-statement!!)
*When you're feeling angry, try to figure out the feeling behind it (often fear). Expressing the fear or disappointment will make your spouse less defensive than "I feel angry." (Although if you can't figure it out, it's better to say "I feel angry" than to say "You make me so angry when...")
*Avoid inserting "that" or "like" after I feel. Then you're getting into thoughts. You want to express your actual feeling. After you say "I feel", make sure you state a feeling (hurt, sad, confused, etc).
I know we've all heard of I-statements, but we don't always use them. Remember that when you're feeling angry or defensive, it is very hard to think clearly. When you can discuss your feelings without accusing or blaming, you can talk about what is going on without having it turn into a huge argument where feelings get hurt. Another helpful hint: when you are feeling super upset or angry, it may not be the best time to talk about the issue. Wait until you have calmed down before trying to use I-statements. If you're too upset, you won't be able to think calmly and clearly, and that is when things are more likely to get ugly. Remember that words can never be taken back. Once you say something, it cannot be unsaid. Choose your words carefully. Like everything, using I-statements effectively takes practice. Luckily, it is something you can practice with anyone anytime. It can improve your communication in any relationship--not just marriage. So get out there and start using I-statements today!! Good luck! (: