Using I-Statements

In marriage, good communication is so very important. It is really important to communicate your love and appreciation, but it is also very important to communicate frustration, anger, and hurt. The key is to communicate the negative emotions in a respectful way. Using I-statements is a great way to communicate respectfully without blaming, ridiculing, or judging your spouse. Instead of making an accusation or placing blame (which puts your partner on the defensive), you are expressing how you feel in a clear and assertive way. There are four parts to I-statements:
1) "I"
2) What you feel
3) The event that evoked your feeling
4) The effect the event has on you
So it will look like this, "I feel (2) when (3) because (4)."
Example: I feel scared when you come home late from work because I'm worried that you got in an accident. OR I feel frustrated when you make plans with your friends for the weekend without consulting me because sometimes I have something in mind for us to do that I haven't discussed with you yet.
TIPS:
*Refer to the specific behavior, not the person: "when I'm shouted at" or "when you don't call" instead of being vague "when you're mean."
*Avoid disguised you-statements: I feel that you are .... (This is not an I-statement!!)
*When you're feeling angry, try to figure out the feeling behind it (often fear). Expressing the fear or disappointment will make your spouse less defensive than "I feel angry." (Although if you can't figure it out, it's better to say "I feel angry" than to say "You make me so angry when...")
*Avoid inserting "that" or "like" after I feel. Then you're getting into thoughts. You want to express your actual feeling. After you say "I feel", make sure you state a feeling (hurt, sad, confused, etc).
I know we've all heard of I-statements, but we don't always use them. Remember that when you're feeling angry or defensive, it is very hard to think clearly. When you can discuss your feelings without accusing or blaming, you can talk about what is going on without having it turn into a huge argument where feelings get hurt. Another helpful hint: when you are feeling super upset or angry, it may not be the best time to talk about the issue. Wait until you have calmed down before trying to use I-statements. If you're too upset, you won't be able to think calmly and clearly, and that is when things are more likely to get ugly. Remember that words can never be taken back. Once you say something, it cannot be unsaid. Choose your words carefully. Like everything, using I-statements effectively takes practice. Luckily, it is something you can practice with anyone anytime. It can improve your communication in any relationship--not just marriage. So get out there and start using I-statements today!! Good luck! (: