Conflict Happens

There will be conflict in every marriage--that is a given.  How you deal with the conflict can make or break a marriage.  It can also greatly effect our own happiness.  So here are a few tips for dealing with conflict.  Again, you can apply these to any relationship--not just marriage.
1) Look for patterns.  Is there one fight you keep having over and over?  One topic that is always a sore spot?  One time of day (or week or month) when arguments usually occur?  Once you find out your argument pattern,
here are some helps:
     A) Try to pinpoint a cause.  Why does this situation, word, or event lead to problems?  Sometimes, there may be an unpleasant emotion behind the argument that causes your guard to go up, or your judgment to go away.  Is there some lurking fear, anxiety or worry you're experiencing?  Some truth you don't want to face?  Some shortcoming on your part that you are reluctant to admit?  Some frustration you have with a particular person (in-law maybe), or character trait of your spouse?  The cause could be anything, but the important thing is to be honest with yourself, and to try to discover what it is that is at the bottom of the conflict.
     B)  Communicate, Communicate, Communicate.  Once you can pinpoint a cause, find a time when you and your spouse are both calm and have an open, honest discussion about what you've discovered.  If you haven't been able to pinpoint a cause, brainstorm together.  Make sure to use your I-statements!! (See previous posts.)  It is amazing what honest, non-angry (is that a word?) communication can accomplish. 
2) Practice patience.  Acknowledge your angry feelings, and try to replace them with other feelings.  For example, try to find the humor in the situation, or even distract yourself with your to-do list, or listen to your favorite song.
3) Wait until you calm down to talk to your spouse or continue the discussion.  When I got married, I received the advice to never go to bed angry.  At some point, I realized that staying up trying to resolve a conflict til 2am because we were both angry (and our exhaustion made it worse) was not helpful for our relationship.  It works much better for us to acknowledge that we need to continue our discussion when we are both well-rested and less emotional about it.  The conflict  always looks much less threatening, negative, and important in the morning after some sleep.  Remember that when you are angry, you can't think rationally, and it is very difficult to have a productive conversation.  Calm down, think out what you want to say, and then communicate when you are both feeling more level-headed. 
4) Pray for help.  It does wonders for your mood, your perspective, and your marriage. 
5)  Remember the big picture.  Ask yourself if this conflict is important in the grand scheme of things.  Try to have a memory in your head of happier times (maybe your first date, your wedding day, or the birth of a child), and when you're feeling really frustrated, pull up that mental image and remind yourself why you love your spouse.  Tell yourself that all good things take effort, and your marriage is worth the effort!