One Step Further

Using I-statements is going to take some time and practice. But for those of you who have been doing it for years, or who are already great at it, here's how to take it one step further. Instead of saying "I feel...when...because..." what if you said, "I CHOOSE to feel....when...because..."? OK you might be hating me right now and thinking that is ridiculous, but think about it. It is ALWAYS our choice to feel any given way. Sometimes we are afraid to acknowledge that, because it puts all the responsibility of our thoughts and behavior on ourselves (where it belongs). It is much easier to blame your spouse (or kids, or mom, or whomever) for how you feel.

Here's an example: "I choose to feel scared when you come home late because I am worried that something has happened to you." It is a choice to feel scared. It may be your initial reaction, and it may feel like something you have no control over, but believe me, you do. When you start to feel scared (and maybe even start to worry that he is dead, and start to wonder how you'll find out, and who you'll call in what order, etc) you can stop at any moment and say to yourself, "This is not a healthy way for me to think right now. I don't need to worry and be scared. I choose to relax and be grateful that ...(you fill in the blank)." How would that be, to be in control of your feelings like that? Empowering, right? Well, guess what? You are in control! Next time he's late, how about choosing to feel grateful that he has a job to come home from, or choosing to feel happy that you have someone in your life that is coming home to you, or whatever you want to feel that is positive and will make you feel good. Or, if you want to feel scared, that can be OK too as long as you realize that you have a choice, and could feel otherwise if you made an effort to. Unfortunately, it does take effort (a lot of effort and practice too) to take control of your thoughts and feelings.

I think adding that one little word "choose" into the I-statement puts it in perspective, and puts you in control. I know it is hard to do. If you can't bring yourself to say it, how about just thinking it. When you say, "I feel...when...", be thinking in your head, "I choose to feel...when..." It will just help you realize that YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF HOW YOU FEEL. Sure, your spouse may have been rude or selfish or inconsiderate (after all, nobody's perfect), and it is important to communicate when you feel hurt or upset by their words or actions, but just remember that you chose to feel how you feel. Sometimes it is understandable and "normal" to feel frustrated or angry based on the circumstances. And that is OK. The important thing is just to realize that you can choose how you feel and how you react to any circumstance.

So there's my challenge to you. Not only to use I-statements, but to add in the word "CHOOSE" and acknowledge (at least to yourself) that the way you are feeling is your choice.