I just love this cute quote by Bruce C. Hafen:
"In the little kingdom of a family, each spouse freely gives something the other does not have and without which neither can be complete and return to God's presence. Spouses are not a soloist with an accompanist, nor are they two solos. They are the interdependent parts of a duet, singing together in harmony at a level where no solo can go."
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Friday, October 26, 2012
Marriage Counseling
Most people think of marriage counseling as kind of a last-ditch effort people make to save a failing marriage. If that's what you think, it's time to stop and re-think! :)
I'm going to share a story with you. A good friend of mine had a parent that was verbally and emotionally abusive to her while she was growing up. This friend is a wife and mom, and has a very ideal-looking life. Unfortunately, she is plagued with depression, anxiety, guilt, self-doubt, and a nagging sense that she will never be "good enough." Sadly, when a parent tells a child those messages over and over, the child grows up believing it. She has resisted going to counseling, insisting that she is fine, and that everyone has problems.
In the past, whenever I suggested that she try counseling, she would reply, "Why don't YOU try counseling?" So then, I started working on getting my master's in counseling, and my professors encouraged all of the students in the program to go to counseling on a regular basis. I began to realize that counseling is helpful to everyone in every situation. So I started going to counseling (and really loved the experience), and then I suggested again to my friend that she try going to counseling. This time, what could she say? So she went. This was about a year ago. Recently, she opened up to me about how counseling has affected her life. She said that counseling has probably saved her life, and has definitely improved her life immeasurably. She has learned so much about herself and how to come to terms with her past, and how to handle her future.
Then she told me about how she brought her husband along to a counseling session because she wanted her husband to meet her counselor. This friend has a great marriage. They get along well and rarely have conflicts. This friend would have never gone to marriage counseling because she didn't feel she needed it. But with a few key questions from the counselor, both my friend and her husband realized that they could benefit from learning some communication techniques, and from talking about how they feel. So they started attending some sessions together, and they could not believe how much they benefited from marriage counseling. They both gained a deeper appreciation for the other, and they learned about each others' communication styles. She discovered that when he said "X" he really meant "Y," and he discovered how to say "Y" when that is what he meant. They loved marriage counseling, and both felt that it helped their good marriage to be even better.
So, my message is #1: Counseling is great! It is not scary. Going does not mean that there is something wrong with you. We live in a crazy, busy, hectic world where we rarely take the time to think about our lives, our relationships, and our feelings. We rarely take the time to talk to someone else about our fears, our problems, and our real selves. Counseling helps us to sort out how we are feeling. Counseling helps us to learn coping skills to deal with life's craziness. In short, don't be afraid to go to counseling.
AND message #2: Marriage counseling is most helpful when the marriage is not in a crisis. Marriage counseling is much easier and more enjoyable when both parties are not at the end of their ropes! Marriage counseling can help a deeply troubled marriage, but it can also greatly help a good marriage.
(Posted by Cherene)
I'm going to share a story with you. A good friend of mine had a parent that was verbally and emotionally abusive to her while she was growing up. This friend is a wife and mom, and has a very ideal-looking life. Unfortunately, she is plagued with depression, anxiety, guilt, self-doubt, and a nagging sense that she will never be "good enough." Sadly, when a parent tells a child those messages over and over, the child grows up believing it. She has resisted going to counseling, insisting that she is fine, and that everyone has problems.
In the past, whenever I suggested that she try counseling, she would reply, "Why don't YOU try counseling?" So then, I started working on getting my master's in counseling, and my professors encouraged all of the students in the program to go to counseling on a regular basis. I began to realize that counseling is helpful to everyone in every situation. So I started going to counseling (and really loved the experience), and then I suggested again to my friend that she try going to counseling. This time, what could she say? So she went. This was about a year ago. Recently, she opened up to me about how counseling has affected her life. She said that counseling has probably saved her life, and has definitely improved her life immeasurably. She has learned so much about herself and how to come to terms with her past, and how to handle her future.
Then she told me about how she brought her husband along to a counseling session because she wanted her husband to meet her counselor. This friend has a great marriage. They get along well and rarely have conflicts. This friend would have never gone to marriage counseling because she didn't feel she needed it. But with a few key questions from the counselor, both my friend and her husband realized that they could benefit from learning some communication techniques, and from talking about how they feel. So they started attending some sessions together, and they could not believe how much they benefited from marriage counseling. They both gained a deeper appreciation for the other, and they learned about each others' communication styles. She discovered that when he said "X" he really meant "Y," and he discovered how to say "Y" when that is what he meant. They loved marriage counseling, and both felt that it helped their good marriage to be even better.
So, my message is #1: Counseling is great! It is not scary. Going does not mean that there is something wrong with you. We live in a crazy, busy, hectic world where we rarely take the time to think about our lives, our relationships, and our feelings. We rarely take the time to talk to someone else about our fears, our problems, and our real selves. Counseling helps us to sort out how we are feeling. Counseling helps us to learn coping skills to deal with life's craziness. In short, don't be afraid to go to counseling.
AND message #2: Marriage counseling is most helpful when the marriage is not in a crisis. Marriage counseling is much easier and more enjoyable when both parties are not at the end of their ropes! Marriage counseling can help a deeply troubled marriage, but it can also greatly help a good marriage.
(Posted by Cherene)
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Marriage Article - Is 15 daily things too many?
I've been invited to contribute to a new website FamilyHow.com and I'm excited to share my first article that has been published there.
15 daily things to do to strengthen your marriage
I mentioned the title of this article to a friend who said, "If I have to do 15 things a day for my marriage, I'm working too hard." Kidding aside, can we make a greater investment in one of our most important relationships?
The focus of the article is on the simple things we already do that can cultivate kind feelings for our spouse. It certainly isn't a complete list, and every couple is different, but I tried to include as many universal activities as I could. I always love to hear what you think & I hope you find it useful.
Posted by Tamara
15 daily things to do to strengthen your marriage
I mentioned the title of this article to a friend who said, "If I have to do 15 things a day for my marriage, I'm working too hard." Kidding aside, can we make a greater investment in one of our most important relationships?
The focus of the article is on the simple things we already do that can cultivate kind feelings for our spouse. It certainly isn't a complete list, and every couple is different, but I tried to include as many universal activities as I could. I always love to hear what you think & I hope you find it useful.
Posted by Tamara
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Strangling Your Husband Is Not An Option - Book Review
Reading this book is like having a conversation with your big sister, who happens to have a fantastic sense of humor and a strong handle on marriage relationships. Her approach is bold, direct and refreshing. Especially in a world where there is little support for one of a woman's most fulfilling roles.
The Visual Aid:
Publisher: Deseret Book
Year: 2006
How I found it: Saw it on the shelf and laughed out loud!
Available on Amazon - Here
Audience: This book is written for women, specifically wives.
Paperback, 184 pages
Book Description:
"Things can get pretty crazy in marital relationships. As one reviewer has said, “What wife hasn’t felt like strangling her husband at least once during their marriage?” With her lighthearted personality and humor, author Merrilee Boyack shares twenty-five years’ worth of marital perspective in this practical guide to improve any marriage. As an estate-planning attorney, Merrilee has dealt with many struggling couples going through divorce. (Seven-year marriages seem to have the greatest challenges.) She offers practical tips for women who want to better understand men (particularly their husbands) and build happier marriages. She invites women to dump the guilt, be open enough to learn about areas they’d like to improve, and then take the steps to make those changes. Readers will also find a wealth of fun and practical advice in chapters like “The Five ‘Don’ts’ and Five ‘Do’s’ of Wifehood,” “But How Do I Change My Husband?” and “No, Really, How Can I Change Him?”
The Gist & What I appreciate:
This is how to be a wife 101, 202 and 303 combined. Don't roll your eyes. It's not what you think. In fact, Merrilee makes you think about how you treat your husband. What I appreciate is that she is anti husband-bashing! I think our culture has developed a sad tolerance of the mistreatment of men by various kinds of unhappy women. She holds wives to the standard of treatment we expect from our husbands.
Quote from page 18:
"A great gift we can give our husbands is to be content and not make stuff more important than them. We can focus on living modestly and being appreciative of the life they provide for us." Later on page 19 she says, "Walk through your house with the eyes of an orphan. We live in opulence."
Quote from page 27:
". . . Start meeting your own emotional needs."
Quote from page 46:
"Get out a piece of paper and a pen. Write at the top "Great Things about My Husband. Now start to write a list. Write down the way he holds your hand. . . Write down that he took care of the whole house when you came down with the stomach flu.Write down how he looked across the altar when you were married." Later on page 47, "Value your husband. Value him deeply. In fact, get a "Why I Love My Husband" book and write down every day some little thing that's wonderful about him or something nice he did. It will transform your marriage. It will transform you."
Quote from page 46:
"Get out a piece of paper and a pen. Write at the top "Great Things about My Husband. Now start to write a list. Write down the way he holds your hand. . . Write down that he took care of the whole house when you came down with the stomach flu.Write down how he looked across the altar when you were married." Later on page 47, "Value your husband. Value him deeply. In fact, get a "Why I Love My Husband" book and write down every day some little thing that's wonderful about him or something nice he did. It will transform your marriage. It will transform you."
My two cents:
I enjoy the humor she applies to everyday life. Don't be fooled, though. One minute you're chuckling and the next you may be squirming as she calls you out on socially acceptable behavior that you know isn't good for your marriage. (See page 9, "Well, if I was your husband, I wouldn't talk to you either.")
This is easy to read, maybe harder to absorb, but well worth the effort. It's not all do's and don'ts - she has chapters for self-development and being a 'fun-living wife,' with lots of great ideas and practical, usable advice.
I enjoy the humor she applies to everyday life. Don't be fooled, though. One minute you're chuckling and the next you may be squirming as she calls you out on socially acceptable behavior that you know isn't good for your marriage. (See page 9, "Well, if I was your husband, I wouldn't talk to you either.")
This is easy to read, maybe harder to absorb, but well worth the effort. It's not all do's and don'ts - she has chapters for self-development and being a 'fun-living wife,' with lots of great ideas and practical, usable advice.
Up Next:
Side by Side: Supporting a Spouse in Church Service by Jeanette Goates Smith (unless I feel like re-reading something else this week :)
Side by Side: Supporting a Spouse in Church Service by Jeanette Goates Smith (unless I feel like re-reading something else this week :)
( Dear FTC, I bought the book. I know I buy a lot of books. At least this one was on sale, but I'd buy it again even if it wasn't. )
Posted by Tamara
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Parenting Issues
I was recently approached by a woman who said she was afraid that her marriage was not going to survive because she and her husband fought constantly about parenting their children. Her husband had been abused as a child, and was very afraid of any strict punishments. She felt that her husband's leniency with their daughter was the cause of her daughter's behavior problems and rebellious attitude. This poor woman and her husband argued constantly over how to discipline their daughter, and it was tearing them apart. Unfortunately, it is all too common for parenting issues to cause marital problems.
My answer to her (besides suggesting family counseling) was that you can parent with firm limits, expectations and consequences without yelling, spanking, or any other harsh punishments. Instead of fighting each other, this couple needs to learn how to parent effectively, agree on rules and consequences (with their daughter), and firmly enforce those rules. I highly recommended the "Love and Logic" books by Jim Fay, and if possible, a "Love and Logic" workshop can really help too. I was able to attend a free "Love and Logic" class at my children's elementary school a few years ago. I know the community agency where I interned offered the class free to their clients as well. I'm not sure of the expense if you have to pay for the class, but it might be worth the investment! If you don't have the funds to spare, check the book out from the library for free and give it a read. Same ideas--you just have to put in the effort to read it yourself.
The basis behind these books and classes is that as parents, you need to agree on rules and consequences. Then make those rules and consequences clear to your children. Then enforce those rules and consequences without raising your voice, spanking, or threatening. It works like magic, but it takes a little time, effort, and practice. You have to decide ahead of time what the rules are and what the consequences are. When you practice "reactive parenting" (just reacting to whatever comes up), you are much more likely to lose control, get angry, yell, threaten, and dole out unfair punishments. Planning ahead helps you to respond calmly to the situation, and to enforce a punishment that makes sense and hopefully is somehow related to the broken rule. Plus, when you plan ahead, you and your spouse have a chance to discuss what rules you think are most important, and what consequences you think are fair. If you wait until your child misbehaves, then fly off the handle and dish out a harsh punishment, there is much more room for discord in the marriage than if you sit down together calmly and discuss how you want your household to run, and how to make that happen.
Parenting is so, so hard!! Just when you think you have it figured out, your child changes, or another child starts acting up. It is so hard to know what to do, or how to react (especially with teenagers). It is very normal to feel confused and frustrated about parenting. But try to remember that you and your spouse are a team!! You are working together towards the common goal of raising healthy, happy, responsible children. If you feel like your family is falling apart, seek professional help. Marriage or family counseling can be a really helpful way to gain a clear perspective on how your family is functioning, and what you can do to help it function better. As difficult as parenting is when you and your spouse are in agreement, it is so much harder when you are not getting along.
"The quality of of our parenting is limited by the quality of our marriage relationship. It is difficult to deal lovingly with our children when there is anger or resentment between Mom and Dad. Negative (and positive) emotions spill over into parenting decisions, clouding and magnifying any problems we have." ~Kevin Hinckley (from "Parenting the Strong-Willed Child") Be patient with each other. Communicate often about both the joys and challenges of parenting. Let love guide your actions, and remember to enjoy the ride!
(Posted by Cherene)
My answer to her (besides suggesting family counseling) was that you can parent with firm limits, expectations and consequences without yelling, spanking, or any other harsh punishments. Instead of fighting each other, this couple needs to learn how to parent effectively, agree on rules and consequences (with their daughter), and firmly enforce those rules. I highly recommended the "Love and Logic" books by Jim Fay, and if possible, a "Love and Logic" workshop can really help too. I was able to attend a free "Love and Logic" class at my children's elementary school a few years ago. I know the community agency where I interned offered the class free to their clients as well. I'm not sure of the expense if you have to pay for the class, but it might be worth the investment! If you don't have the funds to spare, check the book out from the library for free and give it a read. Same ideas--you just have to put in the effort to read it yourself.
The basis behind these books and classes is that as parents, you need to agree on rules and consequences. Then make those rules and consequences clear to your children. Then enforce those rules and consequences without raising your voice, spanking, or threatening. It works like magic, but it takes a little time, effort, and practice. You have to decide ahead of time what the rules are and what the consequences are. When you practice "reactive parenting" (just reacting to whatever comes up), you are much more likely to lose control, get angry, yell, threaten, and dole out unfair punishments. Planning ahead helps you to respond calmly to the situation, and to enforce a punishment that makes sense and hopefully is somehow related to the broken rule. Plus, when you plan ahead, you and your spouse have a chance to discuss what rules you think are most important, and what consequences you think are fair. If you wait until your child misbehaves, then fly off the handle and dish out a harsh punishment, there is much more room for discord in the marriage than if you sit down together calmly and discuss how you want your household to run, and how to make that happen.
Parenting is so, so hard!! Just when you think you have it figured out, your child changes, or another child starts acting up. It is so hard to know what to do, or how to react (especially with teenagers). It is very normal to feel confused and frustrated about parenting. But try to remember that you and your spouse are a team!! You are working together towards the common goal of raising healthy, happy, responsible children. If you feel like your family is falling apart, seek professional help. Marriage or family counseling can be a really helpful way to gain a clear perspective on how your family is functioning, and what you can do to help it function better. As difficult as parenting is when you and your spouse are in agreement, it is so much harder when you are not getting along.
"The quality of of our parenting is limited by the quality of our marriage relationship. It is difficult to deal lovingly with our children when there is anger or resentment between Mom and Dad. Negative (and positive) emotions spill over into parenting decisions, clouding and magnifying any problems we have." ~Kevin Hinckley (from "Parenting the Strong-Willed Child") Be patient with each other. Communicate often about both the joys and challenges of parenting. Let love guide your actions, and remember to enjoy the ride!
(Posted by Cherene)
Monday, September 24, 2012
Book Review - The Five Love Languages
Have you read this book? As a New York Times Bestseller, chances are you have. Or you've at least heard about it. Sometimes when a book has been around for awhile and gotten lots of recognition, some of what makes it great gets lost in the hype. That's one of the reasons I enjoyed re-reading it for this review. Another reason I enjoyed it is because in the sea of marriage-advice books, this one is like a lighthouse that can guide a couple to less rocky shores. Of course, no one book is a 'cure-all' but this one has my endorsement as a worthwhile read.
If you want to know what love language you speak, take the online test without the book here : www.fivelovelanguages.com
Title: The Five Love Languages
Author: Gary Chapman
Author: Gary Chapman
Publisher: Northfield Publishing
Year: 1992
How I found it: Heard about it from a friend.
Available on Amazon - Click on title link above
Audience: Married Couples (of course it has application for pre-married, post-married folks, too.)
Paperback, 191 pages
"WARNING: Understanding the five love languages and learning to speak the primary love language of your spouse may radically affect his or her behavior. People behave differently when their emotional love tank is full." p.24
Book Description:
"Marriage should be based on love, right? But does it seem as though you and your spouse are speaking two different languages? New York Times bestselling author Dr. Gary Chapman guides couples in identifying, understanding, and speaking their spouse’s primary love language—quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, or physical touch.
By learning the five love languages, you and your spouse will discover your unique love languages and learn practical steps in truly loving each other. Chapters are categorized by love language for easy reference, and each one ends with specific, simple steps to express a specific language to your spouse and guide your marriage in the right direction. A newly designed love languages assessment will help you understand and strengthen your relationship. You can build a lasting, loving marriage together."
The Gist & What I appreciate:
We all have a primary love language (one of five). We need to learn our spouse's language and choose to speak it--if we want to 'keep the love alive.' Those five languages are: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, Physical Touch.
Gary Chapman speaks from years of research and practical experience. He distills this into easily digestible chapters that have direct application to everyday married life. I appreciate the concept that we learn and speak a love language and that we can't assume everyone 'speaks' as we do.
This takes some of the mystery, and exasperation, out of a relationship and replaces it with a satisfying, efficient way to show love.
Gary Chapman speaks from years of research and practical experience. He distills this into easily digestible chapters that have direct application to everyday married life. I appreciate the concept that we learn and speak a love language and that we can't assume everyone 'speaks' as we do.
This takes some of the mystery, and exasperation, out of a relationship and replaces it with a satisfying, efficient way to show love.
Quote from Chapter Three, page 37:
"Where are the shooting stars, the balloons, the deep emotions? What about the spirit of anticipation, the twinkle in the eye, the electricity of a kiss, the excitement of --x? What about the emotional security of knowing that I am number one in his/her mind" That is what this book is all about. How do we meet each other's deep, emotional need to feel loved? If we can learn that and choose to do it, then the love we share will be exciting beyond anything we ever felt when we were infatuated."
Quote from Chapter Ten, page 181:
"Love is a choice. And either partner can start the process today.
My two cents:
What else can I say? READ the book!
Okay, maybe to add that I vote for a "Marriage Language Training Center" where husbands and wives can enroll in multi-language courses. I know we have a primary love language, but I can't help thinking that the more love languages we speak, the more fun and variety there is in a relationship!
I've also wondered if we have differing love language needs over the course of years, or if we can be shaped by different relationships?
Okay, maybe to add that I vote for a "Marriage Language Training Center" where husbands and wives can enroll in multi-language courses. I know we have a primary love language, but I can't help thinking that the more love languages we speak, the more fun and variety there is in a relationship!
I've also wondered if we have differing love language needs over the course of years, or if we can be shaped by different relationships?
Up Next:
Strangling Your Husband Is NOT an Option/Merrilee Boyack
(posted by Tamara)
Strangling Your Husband Is NOT an Option/Merrilee Boyack
( Dear FTC, because I know you care, I bough the book all by myself. )
Friday, September 21, 2012
Keeping Score?
I'm still working on my next marriage book review. In the meantime, enjoy this blog post by Dr. Karl A. Pillemer, Ph.D.
According to his research, if we plan to stay married for a lot of years (as in all of them), we need to throw out the scorecard! I couldn't agree more.
If you take the time to read his article, please tell me what you think.
"For long-term success, couples have to orient themselves to giving more than they get. Both individuals are contributing to a relationship, the benefits of which transcend immediate interests on a given day. What couples must avoid -- if they wish to remain together as long as the elders we interviewed -- is keeping score about who is getting more and who is getting less. This kind of economic attitude works with a vending machine: If I put in my dollar, I will get a candy bar of equal value. According to the oldest Americans, this definitely does not work in marriage." (emphasis added)
50/50 Marriage Myth
(posted by Tamara)
Monday, September 17, 2012
Kindness
Yesterday I was reading "Daughters In My Kingdom" and came across these bits of marriage advice from Joseph Smith.
For the ladies (about their husbands) "...treat them with mildness and affection. When a man is borne down with trouble--when he is perplexed, if he can meet a smile, not an argument--if he can meet with mildness, it will calm down his soul and soothe his feelings. When the mind is going to despair, it needs a solace...When you go home never give a cross word, but let kindness, charity and love, crown your works."
For the men, a husband's duty is to "love, cherish, and nourish his wife" and "regard her feelings with tenderness."
Simple kindness goes a long way. These quotes remind me to think less about what is fair, and think more about how I can love, uplift, and encourage my spouse. As we serve and sacrifice, our love grows, and we become happier.
For the ladies (about their husbands) "...treat them with mildness and affection. When a man is borne down with trouble--when he is perplexed, if he can meet a smile, not an argument--if he can meet with mildness, it will calm down his soul and soothe his feelings. When the mind is going to despair, it needs a solace...When you go home never give a cross word, but let kindness, charity and love, crown your works."
For the men, a husband's duty is to "love, cherish, and nourish his wife" and "regard her feelings with tenderness."
Simple kindness goes a long way. These quotes remind me to think less about what is fair, and think more about how I can love, uplift, and encourage my spouse. As we serve and sacrifice, our love grows, and we become happier.
Friday, September 14, 2012
Committed to the Marriage
I really love this marriage advice that friend of mine shared:
"Remember to be committed to the marriage not the man. People make
mistakes and sometimes if we are committed to the person we are
married to it causes us to just want to quit. If we are committed to
the marriage we will work harder to get over problems and make the
marriage work. I was given this advice by a Relief Society President
who happened to also be my visiting teacher and it has helped me over
some very hard times. I was more willing to forgive and get over it
and I am so happy that I have."
"Remember to be committed to the marriage not the man. People make
mistakes and sometimes if we are committed to the person we are
married to it causes us to just want to quit. If we are committed to
the marriage we will work harder to get over problems and make the
marriage work. I was given this advice by a Relief Society President
who happened to also be my visiting teacher and it has helped me over
some very hard times. I was more willing to forgive and get over it
and I am so happy that I have."
Monday, September 10, 2012
Support Each Other
Another friend of mine shared a recent experience she has had in her marriage. This was in response to my asking for marriage advice. I think the main thing that is so important in her message is that we need to turn to each other for advice and support, and trust each other. Some things are hard to talk about without one person feeling defensive or attacked. But trust me, it is always better to talk through an uncomfortable topic than to ignore it, or talk about it with others (friends and family). So here is my friend's experience:
"My husband & I have recently been discussing what direction to take as far as moving & a career go. Should we move? Should he just find a different job? Should he go to school? Should I work? ETC. It has definitely gotten a little depressing watching him go thru this struggle. He has been feeling like he's not good enough or supporting our family to the best of his ability. (His current job is based on commission & he doesn't much consider himself a salesman so he wasn't making the income we needed in our home.) My husband is a stubborn man & often times it's hard to tell him my true concerns for things without wording it just the right way. Sometimes it's just not what he wants to hear. With that being said, he would constantly ask me what I thought he needed to do about the whole situation & I never felt like the answer I was giving him was good enough for him (or he would stop asking, right?!) I found myself asking other family members for their advice; what they thought we should do, instead of following my husband’s guidance. Our marriage became a wreck. I wasn't helping him make the right decisions. I wasn't supporting him. I was trying to make it about me. Well to solve that we went to the temple with a few questions in mind hoping for some answers. When our session was over & we met up to talk he asked me if my questions were answered. The answer I received over & over again: SUPPORT YOUR HUSBAND IN WHICHEVER CHOICE HE MAKES!
That was definitely a little hard for me to hear because I like to have some control over our lives too :) But it was so true! I truly believe that we need to support our husbands & let them be the leaders in our home. Especially because they are the priesthood holders. Since I have taken that in to my heart & followed his leadership our home has definitely been a more easy-going & happy home. We still have not had much success in our endeavor, but I have seen his confidence brighten & our marriage become a more peaceful one! Not knowing which direction our lives are going to head is hard. But, being at peace that my husband will lead us in the right direction has helped me to reassure him that he is doing well in his choices & helps me have better trust in our marriage."
Friday, August 31, 2012
I am in LOVE!
One of my sweet friends responded to my plea for marriage advice with the following inspiring story from her life..
"The best
marriage advice I ever received was from a wise elderly man, when I was newly married.
I had only been married about a year or so and was learning to live with my new
roommate/ spouse. I found myself easily irritated at him for small simple
things and frustrated at times. One day when I was visiting with this elderly
man, I asked, 'How is your wife?' and he responded, 'She is an angel on the
earth, we have been married for 67 years, and I am in LOVE.' He had a
twinkle in his eye, and I knew he really was in love. This put me into a state of
shock. I couldn’t believe what I had just heard. Really? A man in his eighties that was still happy and
in love? I had never met anyone who
really loved their wife and was truly happy and so quick to speak such loving
words about his spouse. I couldn’t process that this fairy tale response could
be real. But no, he really meant what he said, and because of his countenance I
believed him. It was a pivotal moment in my life. I thought to myself, 'If
that kind of happiness and love is possible for him, it can be possible for me
too.'
I pondered many days, weeks and even month on this simple
yet profound phrase. It kept resurfacing
in my mind. 'My wife is an angel on the earth and I love her'. I
stewed over it, I pondered it, I could not let it go. The
memory of his voice still rings so vividly in my mind. I asked myself, 'What is
so special about this woman? What could she possibly have done to make this man
so happy?' I had no clue.
I wanted to know, how could I become this woman? How
could my husband become this man? How could we become so happy like this couple
was? When asked, I secretly wished my husband would say something
so wonderful as to exalt me to that seraphic status. Then I thought
to myself, 'Are my actions angelic?'
At that very moment, I decided I would try to start
looking for the cherubic qualities in my husband. And I would try to only see
the wonderful things he did for me. I had to look for the kind words and
gestures he said and did. As I did
this, I realized the wonderful good things he did for me were there all
along.
You see, I was too blind to see them. I felt so petty and
sad at how shallow I had been. The problem had never really been him at all,
but rather me and my inability to see his angelic qualities. I also realized, I
hadn’t been the most cherubic wife in the world and that I needed to make some
changes.
With much practice and focusing on kind words and deeds, and watching for opportunities of praise, and
love, we have certainly had time to
change, to grow, and to learn. And now
when anyone asks, how is your husband? I can honestly say, 'He is an Angel on
the earth and I am in LOVE' as my heart pounds and my mind flutters, I am in
love and always will be."
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Good Advice
I love the following gems of advice that another friend shared with me:
" ~Don't meet your
partner half way, give 100%.
~People say, 'pick your battles,' I say, 'why
battle at all?'
~Be more concerned about your partner's feelings than being
right."
Monday, August 27, 2012
Book Review
The first thing I need to say is - I LOVE Cherene's blog!! And I feel honored that she would invite me here as a guest. She knows marriage is one of my favorite topics of interest, discussion & occasional rant. I love learning about what contributes to happy marriages. That might explain why I love reading marriage books, too. One thing I've noticed is that there are a lot of marriage books out there. I know I like hearing from friends if they've read a good book, or if a certain book has what I'm looking for. So I thought it might be fun to share some book reviews. That and I think happy marriages are important, possible and worth the work!
For Starters:
Title: Teens, Temple Marriage & Eternity
Author: Allan K. Burgess
Publisher: Deseret Book
Year: 1988
How I found it: Christmas Gift
Available on Amazon: Here
Audience: LDS teens and their parents, great for youth leaders, too.
Hardcover, 105 pages
This little gem of a book is an easy read. The writing is straightforward and organized into concise chapters with summaries. Burgess draws on experience as a Seminary teacher and counselor, as well as teachings of latter day prophets and general authorities.
I received this as a Christmas gift as a teenager. I think it was the first marriage book I’d ever read. I was 14 and of course, I hadn’t met my future husband and though I wouldn’t be married for years to come, I read the book within a day. What can I say? I’ve been fascinated by marriage for a long time. Time and experience has only increased my interest in, as well as my deep appreciation for, the gift of marriage.
From the front flap:
“Why should I get married in the temple?” “What happens when I go to the temple for the first time?” “Why are the covenants made there so important?” . . . Allan K. Burgess, a seminary teacher with considerable experience in counseling teenagers and young adults, answers these questions and puts to rest some of the myths and concerns you may have about the temple. Besides learning how to prepare for your first visit to the temple and what to expect from it, you will also learn the importance of the covenants you make and the rich blessings in store for you if you honor those covenants.”
What I appreciate:
The concept he teaches about the difference between a temple wedding and a celestial marriage. The wedding is an event that takes place during one day and ends. The marriage can last a lifetime and for eternity if it is celestial. It is a process that requires two people motivated to keep their covenants.
This idea might have been the most beneficial for me to learn as a young woman. Our youth are taught much about planning to marry in the temple, and rightly so, but sometimes the focus can be on the event of the wedding instead of the covenants or the quality of the marriage relationship after the wedding day.
Quote from Chapter Two, page 25:
“Many young people labor and live under false notions, feeling that a marriage contract , and especially if it is a temple marriage, solves all the problems; and many people further think that marriage is a sort of perpetual motion program. Once set in motion by a marriage ceremony, it will never run down. I want to tell you that there are no marriages that can ever be happy ones unless two people work at it.” (The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, ed. Edward L. Kimball [Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1982], p. 307.)
Quote from Chapter Six, page 60:
“He helped her kneel at the altar, and then he walked around to the other side of the altar where he knelt across from her. As their eyes met, I noticed tears. . . . You could both see and feel the joy that they felt at that moment.”
My two cents:
Great read for teens and their parents. Keep in mind the book was published before the digital revolution – so no advice regarding the internet, facebook, etc. Also, he discusses temple worthiness and uses a number of real life stories (names changed, of course) that include serious topics-therefore probably best suited for mature teens.
Up Next Week:
The Five Love Languages/Gary Chapman
The Five Love Languages/Gary Chapman
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Introducing Tamara...
My good friend, Tamara, has agreed to be a guest blogger on my marriage blog. Tamara has been happily married for almost 20 years, and has three children. Her hobbies include reading,
writing and visiting with friends. She loves nature, baking bread and
walking. She is a very talented writer. Tamara writes poetry and has been working on her first novel, a
Christmas romance. Most importantly, Tamara is the kind of friend everyone wants to have. She brings out the best in everyone, and always seems to know what you might need to hear. She is a big believer in happy marriages, and an avid reader of marriage books. I have consulted her many times with ideas for this blog. Look for a post from Tamara very soon! You can check out her writing at www.whyigetup.blogspot.com .
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Toothpaste advice
Here is some marriage advice from another one of my very wise friends:
"Have separate tubes of toothpaste! :) That's the marriage advice my husband's grandma gave to me at my bridal shower. Funny enough, she was right! We started off using the same tube, but evidently he felt I left the cap a little too messy, so I got my own tube from then on, and now there's less contention in our marriage! ha,ha! :)
But really, I think the key to a happy marriage is to be more concerned about the happiness of your spouse than you are your own. Selfless service is the key!! When you focus your efforts on making your spouse happy, then they in turn want to make YOU happy!"
"Have separate tubes of toothpaste! :) That's the marriage advice my husband's grandma gave to me at my bridal shower. Funny enough, she was right! We started off using the same tube, but evidently he felt I left the cap a little too messy, so I got my own tube from then on, and now there's less contention in our marriage! ha,ha! :)
But really, I think the key to a happy marriage is to be more concerned about the happiness of your spouse than you are your own. Selfless service is the key!! When you focus your efforts on making your spouse happy, then they in turn want to make YOU happy!"
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