One theme I notice coming up over and over again with a lot of my clients is anger. Again there is too much to say in one post, so I will break it up into smaller pieces. Here is my first take on anger. A lot of people have trouble controlling their anger. Usually the people who seek counseling for help with their anger are people who tend to explode in anger, yell, and maybe even get violent. At times I have felt smug because I don't get angry very often, and I rarely express my anger. I have learned though, that keeping anger bottled up inside can be just as damaging to a relationship as exploding in anger. And when you think you are keeping your anger in, it is often seeping out in little ways, like snide remarks, withholding compliments or affection, criticism, impatience...the list goes on and on. Do any of these sound familiar? So the problem of anger is not only a problem for the yellers, the explosive fighters, or the violent reactors. It is a problem for all of us who ever get angry. And that's everyone, right?
One problem is that in our society, we blame others for our anger. If someone "makes us angry" then we expect that person to apologize to us. If I am angry with you, and I'm expecting you to apologize about it, I am not holding myself accountable for my feelings. I am blaming my feelings on you. From the time we are very young, we learn to blame our anger on other people. "She made me mad!" The cold, hard truth is that only we can "make" ourselves mad. Your spouse can't make you mad. You make yourself mad at the things your spouse does. Step out of the victim mentality. No one is making you feel any way. You can choose to feel however you want. Try saying, "I made myself mad about...(what she said)". This problem of blaming someone for your anger is magnified in abusive relationships. The victim often takes too much responsibility for the abuser's feelings. "He only hit me because I said ____. I shouldn't have made him so mad." Can you see what's so very wrong about that line of thinking?
We all need to realize that it isn't what happens to us that makes us angry. It is what we do with it that causes us to be angry. If someone cuts me off in traffic, I don't have to get angry. I can choose to think, "That poor guy is probably late for something important," or "Wow, I'm glad I didn't crash into that car," or "It's frustrating when someone cuts me off, but it's not worth getting mad over, so I'll just take a deep breath and choose to let it go." The reality is that most people don't drive around with the intent of making other drivers mad. When someone cuts you off, it is usually because they are in a rush or maybe didn't realize that you were right there. But honestly, it doesn't matter what that person's intent was. Even if that driver was intentionally trying to make you angry, you still have the choice to get angry or not. What does all this have to do with marriage? A lot. Right now, I'm just trying to help you to look at anger in a more realistic way so that you realize that anger is not uncontrollable or inevitable. You are in control of your feelings. So, think about that, and I will be posting much more about anger soon!!
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Monday, January 30, 2012
Physical Intimacy, Part 3
Returning to the subject of physical intimacy, I did want to point out that one of the main causes of conflict in this area is selfishness. It confuses me that some men don't seem to realize that if they make their wife's enjoyment of their physical time together a priority, she will be more likely to want to be intimate in the future. This seems like such a no-brainer to me (and it might to you), but surprisingly, there are a lot of men out there who don't seem to get it. Men, be unselfish and patient with your wives. Try putting her needs and desires ahead of your own. Women, be unselfish and generous with your husbands. Be considerate of his desires and feelings.
Everyone wants to feel wanted. But no one wants to feel like a physical object. We all want to feel respected, loved and cherished. Treat your spouse as you want to be treated. I have had some female clients complain to me about the way that their partner grabs or gropes them like they are an object. Our society objectifies women so much, and media is constantly shouting the message that a woman's worth is based on the shape of her body. Pornography feeds into this line of thinking. Men who view pornography tend to see women as an object for their gratification instead of as a beautiful human being with feelings who should be respected. Don't let these mistaken messages seep into your marriage. Cherish your spouse and treat them with respect.
One last word of advice--and this is just my opinion, for what it's worth. Keep the details of your sex life private. What goes on in your bedroom should not be discussed with friends, or joked about with family. Respect your spouse and that sacred part of your relationship enough to treat it with the reverence and respect that it deserves. If you are having problems in that area, discuss your feelings about it with your spouse--not your friends. If you feel you need outside help, seek help from a trusted professional or church leader. I found a quote from Spencer W. Kimball that backs up my opinion: "Sometimes mothers will not relinquish the hold they have had upon their children, and husbands as well as wives return to their mothers and fathers to obtain advice and counsel and to confide, whereas cleaving should be to the wife in most things, and all intimacies should be kept in great secrecy and privacy from others."
In summary, be unselfish. Be kind and considerate of your spouse's feelings. Treat each other with respect, and have enough respect for your relationship to keep the details of your intimacies private.
Everyone wants to feel wanted. But no one wants to feel like a physical object. We all want to feel respected, loved and cherished. Treat your spouse as you want to be treated. I have had some female clients complain to me about the way that their partner grabs or gropes them like they are an object. Our society objectifies women so much, and media is constantly shouting the message that a woman's worth is based on the shape of her body. Pornography feeds into this line of thinking. Men who view pornography tend to see women as an object for their gratification instead of as a beautiful human being with feelings who should be respected. Don't let these mistaken messages seep into your marriage. Cherish your spouse and treat them with respect.
One last word of advice--and this is just my opinion, for what it's worth. Keep the details of your sex life private. What goes on in your bedroom should not be discussed with friends, or joked about with family. Respect your spouse and that sacred part of your relationship enough to treat it with the reverence and respect that it deserves. If you are having problems in that area, discuss your feelings about it with your spouse--not your friends. If you feel you need outside help, seek help from a trusted professional or church leader. I found a quote from Spencer W. Kimball that backs up my opinion: "Sometimes mothers will not relinquish the hold they have had upon their children, and husbands as well as wives return to their mothers and fathers to obtain advice and counsel and to confide, whereas cleaving should be to the wife in most things, and all intimacies should be kept in great secrecy and privacy from others."
In summary, be unselfish. Be kind and considerate of your spouse's feelings. Treat each other with respect, and have enough respect for your relationship to keep the details of your intimacies private.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Time Out
Let me start by asking you a question. Once you or your spouse starts to get angry, does anything good happen in the rest of the communication? I have NEVER met anyone who answered yes to that question. The communication that goes on when you are angry is not going to improve your relationship. As a couple, can you agree that when one (or both) of you is angry, it would be better to take a 5 - 10 minute Time Out to calm down than it would be for you to keep talking at that time? It makes sense, and it is a rule that will save a lot of grief if couples follow it. Hurtful things cannot be unsaid. Physical violence cannot be taken back. The wounds that come from physical or emotional damage run deep, and they can be avoided if you and your spouse agree to walk away and take a break when you are angry. If you want to follow the Time Out procedure, here are the ground rules:
1) Agree on a word or phrase or gesture that means that one of you needs a Time Out.
2) Agree that when one person says they need a Time Out, the other will not argue or complain. When either of you asks for a Time Out, you will get it right away without further discussion.
3) Take 5 - 10 minutes apart to cool off, then come back together and try to resume the discussion.
4) Do not spend any of that time apart trying to come up with more ammunition for your side of the argument. Spend the time cooling down, and then trying to determine what the issue is, and how you can find common ground with your spouse on the issue.
5) Realize that your spouse is not your enemy. Your spouse is not your competition. You are a team. Ask yourself how you can possibly "win" if your teammate "loses." Check your competitiveness, and focus on finding a peaceful solution to the problem or issue at hand.
6) Every time the discussion begins to get heated, take another Time Out. When you are new to this process, it may take 8 Time Outs to get through the discussion. The more you practice, the better you will get at discussing things calmly, and the less Time Outs you will need.
7) Talk to your spouse about this idea and establish the ground rules right away, when you are both feeling calm. Don't try to establish a new procedure when one of you is angry!
Give it a try! It will be really hard to walk away at first, but it gets easier with practice. The end result will be worth the effort.
1) Agree on a word or phrase or gesture that means that one of you needs a Time Out.
2) Agree that when one person says they need a Time Out, the other will not argue or complain. When either of you asks for a Time Out, you will get it right away without further discussion.
3) Take 5 - 10 minutes apart to cool off, then come back together and try to resume the discussion.
4) Do not spend any of that time apart trying to come up with more ammunition for your side of the argument. Spend the time cooling down, and then trying to determine what the issue is, and how you can find common ground with your spouse on the issue.
5) Realize that your spouse is not your enemy. Your spouse is not your competition. You are a team. Ask yourself how you can possibly "win" if your teammate "loses." Check your competitiveness, and focus on finding a peaceful solution to the problem or issue at hand.
6) Every time the discussion begins to get heated, take another Time Out. When you are new to this process, it may take 8 Time Outs to get through the discussion. The more you practice, the better you will get at discussing things calmly, and the less Time Outs you will need.
7) Talk to your spouse about this idea and establish the ground rules right away, when you are both feeling calm. Don't try to establish a new procedure when one of you is angry!
Give it a try! It will be really hard to walk away at first, but it gets easier with practice. The end result will be worth the effort.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Physical Intimacy, Part 2
OK, continuing on with the topic of physical intimacy... Again, I am not an expert and these are just my observations and opinions, based on a minimal amount of counseling experience. Another sexual problem I see frequently among my clients is lack of desire. Many people (usually women), find that their sex drive has dramatically declined, and this is often a cause of conflict between the person and their spouse. There is a lot that can be said on this topic alone. First of all, refer back to my previous post, and remember how important it is to communicate about what is going on. Secondly, look to see if you can find a cause.
One common cause for lack of desire is medication. A decrease in sex drive is a common side effect of many medications. Check with your doctor or pharmacist to see if this is the case with any meds you might be taking. If so, see if you can switch to another medication or eliminate that medication. Obviously your health (including mental health) is a priority, but sometimes we take medication as an "easy way out" when exercise, losing weight, or counseling might help our physical or mental health just as much. I am not against taking medication--I am just proposing that we be very mindful of all the costs and benefits of the medication. Many studies have shown that counseling is just as effective as medication in alleviating anxiety and depression. Many studies have also shown that the most effective treatment for bipolar disorder is medication. We all know that exercising and eating healthier can lower cholesterol and blood pressure. The point is, you might need the medication you are taking. You might not--if you are willing to put in some effort and hard work to make a positive change in your life. So, if your medication is causing a problem with your sex life, see if you can make a change.
Another cause for lack of desire could be hormonal changes that occur in women as they approach menopause. Check with your doctor about this possibility (and possible treatment) as well. Another problem I see frequently is that when a woman has been sexually abused, it can come back to wreak havoc on her sex drive and sex life in the future. Some women think they have moved past the trauma of the abuse, only to have some life event (like childbirth) trigger the resurfacing of the memory and the trauma. If you have been sexually abused (especially if it was your first sexual experience), it is very normal to have a negative reaction to sex, and to feel a lack of desire. Counseling can help you to process the trauma that you have experienced, and to understand and control your feelings about physical intimacy with your spouse. There are many books (and even workbooks) for survivors of abuse that can help the individual work through and understand some of the troubling emotions and reactions they have now as a result of the abuse. Some women feel frustrated when these feeling resurface--feeling like they have already dealt with this issue. Be patient with yourself, and realize that some traumas shake us so deeply to the core that one is never completely rid of the effects of that trauma. But also have hope that you can learn to work through the difficult effects of the trauma, and gain control of your life back.
I don't have time to watch TV, but my sister told me that Dr. Oz says that, "sex begets sex." Meaning, if you aren't physically intimate with your spouse on a regular (frequent) basis, that desire eventually fades and sex becomes less of a priority in your life. If you are physically intimate on a regular basis, your desire level is maintained and you want to continue being physically intimate on a regular basis. I'm not a big Dr. Oz fan, but that theory seems to make sense to me. Some couples seem to get out of the habit of being physically intimate. But that is a dangerous place to be. Physical intimacy brings two people closer together. It is a physical manifestation of their love. If you and your spouse are not physically intimate on a regular basis, it may be time to make a change. Many people have reported that as their sex life improved, so did the state of their marriage. If you are out of the habit, get back into the habit!
Some women report a lack of desire due to emotional abuse from their spouse. Again, physical intimacy is very emotional for women, and if they are not feeling safe, desired, and loved, it is difficult for some women to be intimate with their spouse. Be kind to your spouse. Be loving and considerate. Do not insult or demean your spouse. Treat your spouse the way that you want to be treated.
Some general tips for lack of desire: try to find a cause, be considerate of your spouse's feelings and desires, change things up a little, communicate often, be physically intimate on a regular basis (even if you don't really feel like it), communicate even more, be kind to each other, and don't forget to communicate!
One common cause for lack of desire is medication. A decrease in sex drive is a common side effect of many medications. Check with your doctor or pharmacist to see if this is the case with any meds you might be taking. If so, see if you can switch to another medication or eliminate that medication. Obviously your health (including mental health) is a priority, but sometimes we take medication as an "easy way out" when exercise, losing weight, or counseling might help our physical or mental health just as much. I am not against taking medication--I am just proposing that we be very mindful of all the costs and benefits of the medication. Many studies have shown that counseling is just as effective as medication in alleviating anxiety and depression. Many studies have also shown that the most effective treatment for bipolar disorder is medication. We all know that exercising and eating healthier can lower cholesterol and blood pressure. The point is, you might need the medication you are taking. You might not--if you are willing to put in some effort and hard work to make a positive change in your life. So, if your medication is causing a problem with your sex life, see if you can make a change.
Another cause for lack of desire could be hormonal changes that occur in women as they approach menopause. Check with your doctor about this possibility (and possible treatment) as well. Another problem I see frequently is that when a woman has been sexually abused, it can come back to wreak havoc on her sex drive and sex life in the future. Some women think they have moved past the trauma of the abuse, only to have some life event (like childbirth) trigger the resurfacing of the memory and the trauma. If you have been sexually abused (especially if it was your first sexual experience), it is very normal to have a negative reaction to sex, and to feel a lack of desire. Counseling can help you to process the trauma that you have experienced, and to understand and control your feelings about physical intimacy with your spouse. There are many books (and even workbooks) for survivors of abuse that can help the individual work through and understand some of the troubling emotions and reactions they have now as a result of the abuse. Some women feel frustrated when these feeling resurface--feeling like they have already dealt with this issue. Be patient with yourself, and realize that some traumas shake us so deeply to the core that one is never completely rid of the effects of that trauma. But also have hope that you can learn to work through the difficult effects of the trauma, and gain control of your life back.
I don't have time to watch TV, but my sister told me that Dr. Oz says that, "sex begets sex." Meaning, if you aren't physically intimate with your spouse on a regular (frequent) basis, that desire eventually fades and sex becomes less of a priority in your life. If you are physically intimate on a regular basis, your desire level is maintained and you want to continue being physically intimate on a regular basis. I'm not a big Dr. Oz fan, but that theory seems to make sense to me. Some couples seem to get out of the habit of being physically intimate. But that is a dangerous place to be. Physical intimacy brings two people closer together. It is a physical manifestation of their love. If you and your spouse are not physically intimate on a regular basis, it may be time to make a change. Many people have reported that as their sex life improved, so did the state of their marriage. If you are out of the habit, get back into the habit!
Some women report a lack of desire due to emotional abuse from their spouse. Again, physical intimacy is very emotional for women, and if they are not feeling safe, desired, and loved, it is difficult for some women to be intimate with their spouse. Be kind to your spouse. Be loving and considerate. Do not insult or demean your spouse. Treat your spouse the way that you want to be treated.
Some general tips for lack of desire: try to find a cause, be considerate of your spouse's feelings and desires, change things up a little, communicate often, be physically intimate on a regular basis (even if you don't really feel like it), communicate even more, be kind to each other, and don't forget to communicate!
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Let's Talk About Physical Intimacy
OK, before I get started on this topic, I want to remind you that I am not a professional. I am still a student counselor, getting experience counseling through my internship. I have not had the opportunity to counsel many couples yet. I am mostly working with individuals. But with the limited experiences I have had, some common themes about sex seem to keep coming up, so I thought it might be a good idea to address them here. I won't be able to address them all in one post, so look for another post with this theme soon. I want this blog to be family friendly, but I also want it to be a real resource for married couples, so I will tread carefully to try to find the right balance of tactfulness and truth. Also, keep in mind that each individual (and each couple) is unique. I will be making some generalizations here, and I realize that they do not apply to every individual.
First of all, let me say that for women, sex is very emotional. In general, if a woman is not feeling happy or loved, she does not want to by physically intimate with her spouse. Men, this means that you should not criticize your wife's appearance if you want her to be physically intimate with you. I don't know of any woman that made a positive change in her life and her body as a direct result of her husband's criticism. Believe me, she already knows that her body is not perfect. She does not need you to remind her. We all want to feel loved, appreciated, and admired. It does not take a genius to answer this question correctly: Will your wife be more likely to want to be intimate with you if you tell her she is A) beautiful, sexy, and wonderful; or B) fat, lazy and annoying? Treat your spouse with love and kindness, and she will feel love and tenderness toward you, and will want to participate in the physical manifestation of that love.
Next, I will tell you that often, when someone complains of a sexual problem in therapy, they are really talking about a communication problem. I don't know why it is so hard for people to talk to their spouse about sex, but it just is. Many people talk to their spouse openly about money, jobs, children, in-laws, politics, and many other topics, but when it comes to sex, they clam up. It surprises me when clients complain about their sex lives, and I ask them if they have discussed this issue with their spouse, most of the time, the answer is no. It seems to be easier for people to talk to their counselor about sex than it is for them to talk to their partner. The solution to this problem is obvious, but it may not be easy. Talk to your spouse about sex. Talk about what is working, what could use some improvement, and how you both are feeling about your sex life. Timing is important. Don't try to have this discussion while you are being physically intimate. Make time to talk when you are alone and both of you are calm. If you are not used to talking about physical intimacy, maybe you could start by asking your spouse what they like about your sex life, and what they think could improve. Open, honest communication can do wonders for a relationship. At first, you may have to schedule a time to talk about sex. Maybe you could put it on your calendar to remind you to check-in with your spouse on a regular basis. I think you will be surprised at how many problems or misunderstandings can be avoided by frequent, open communication. If there is room for improvement, remember to use your "I statements" (see previous posts) and to not criticize! Be loving, sensitive, and respectful in your communication.
Well, there's a start to the topic of physical intimacy. I will continue with the same theme in the next post. If you have specific questions or topics you want me to cover, e-mail me or leave a comment. Thanks for reading!
First of all, let me say that for women, sex is very emotional. In general, if a woman is not feeling happy or loved, she does not want to by physically intimate with her spouse. Men, this means that you should not criticize your wife's appearance if you want her to be physically intimate with you. I don't know of any woman that made a positive change in her life and her body as a direct result of her husband's criticism. Believe me, she already knows that her body is not perfect. She does not need you to remind her. We all want to feel loved, appreciated, and admired. It does not take a genius to answer this question correctly: Will your wife be more likely to want to be intimate with you if you tell her she is A) beautiful, sexy, and wonderful; or B) fat, lazy and annoying? Treat your spouse with love and kindness, and she will feel love and tenderness toward you, and will want to participate in the physical manifestation of that love.
Next, I will tell you that often, when someone complains of a sexual problem in therapy, they are really talking about a communication problem. I don't know why it is so hard for people to talk to their spouse about sex, but it just is. Many people talk to their spouse openly about money, jobs, children, in-laws, politics, and many other topics, but when it comes to sex, they clam up. It surprises me when clients complain about their sex lives, and I ask them if they have discussed this issue with their spouse, most of the time, the answer is no. It seems to be easier for people to talk to their counselor about sex than it is for them to talk to their partner. The solution to this problem is obvious, but it may not be easy. Talk to your spouse about sex. Talk about what is working, what could use some improvement, and how you both are feeling about your sex life. Timing is important. Don't try to have this discussion while you are being physically intimate. Make time to talk when you are alone and both of you are calm. If you are not used to talking about physical intimacy, maybe you could start by asking your spouse what they like about your sex life, and what they think could improve. Open, honest communication can do wonders for a relationship. At first, you may have to schedule a time to talk about sex. Maybe you could put it on your calendar to remind you to check-in with your spouse on a regular basis. I think you will be surprised at how many problems or misunderstandings can be avoided by frequent, open communication. If there is room for improvement, remember to use your "I statements" (see previous posts) and to not criticize! Be loving, sensitive, and respectful in your communication.
Well, there's a start to the topic of physical intimacy. I will continue with the same theme in the next post. If you have specific questions or topics you want me to cover, e-mail me or leave a comment. Thanks for reading!
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Be the Change
I love this quote from Gandhi: "Be the change you want to see in the world." This week, I was thinking about how it applies to marriage. You can change the quote to "Be the change you want to see in your marriage." When you ask married people what change they would like to see in their marriage, they usually mention their spouse (and often some habit or pet peeve that they want their spouse to change). What's wrong with that? Well, for one thing, you probably know by now that you can't change someone else. The only person you can change is you. Also, in marriage, it takes two. Your spouse isn't perfect, but instead of focusing on their problems (which you can't change), why not look inward to see what you are doing to contribute to your dissatisfaction in your marriage? At first it is uncomfortable to accept responsibility for some negative things that it is easier to blame your spouse for. But then, it becomes empowering as you realize that you are more in control of your happiness in your marriage than you realized. So look inward. Be honest with yourself. What change would like you like to see in your marriage (not in your spouse, but in your marriage)? What can you do to bring about that change? YOU can be the change you want to see in your marriage!
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Making a List, and Checking it Twice
If I were to ask you what bugs you about your spouse, could you list some things for me? How about if I asked you what you love about your spouse? Is that list easier or harder to come up with? I think it's easy to focus on the negatives, but we can be happier if we focus on the positives. Try writing down the top five things you love about your spouse. Next, share that list with your spouse with some word of praise or appreciation. Finally, keep that list in a place where you will see it often, and review it on a regular basis. I think it can be eye-opening and really helpful for some of us to try to appreciate the good things--especially if you feel stuck in a rut, or in a negative frame of mind about your spouse. An attitude of gratitude can change your perspective. So go ahead...make your list and check it often!
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Constant Vigilance
I've been thinking this week about how easy it is to let your guard down, to get comfortable and lazy, and to take things for granted in your marriage. One thing that makes marriage so challenging is that your relationship is constantly changing and evolving as you and your spouse are constantly changing and growing too. It is impossible for your marriage to stay the same day after day, year after year. And all that change requires constant vigilance. We must make our marriages a top priority in our lives! We must take time to evaluate the quality of our marriage on a regular basis. We must keep our guard up all the time against harmful influences. We must question our loyalties and our motives daily. Your marriage is a precious, important relationship that must be safeguarded, protected, and strengthened on a daily basis.
I know there are so many other demands and distractions in life. We have children, jobs, school, church, and many other obligations that demand our attention. But we can't lose focus on our marriage, and we can't let our marriage fall to the bottom of our priority list. Strengthening your marriage can be something as simple as taking 3 seconds to look into your spouse's eyes to say, "I love you." It can be as complex as planning a surprise weekend getaway. Or it can be anywhere in between. Take some time each day to connect with your spouse. Make time for conversation. Evaluate your heart and your feelings toward your spouse every day. If your heart is not in the right place, make a change. Your marriage can stay strong and healthy if you commit to constant vigilance.
Why not start today? Think about where your marriage is at right now. What is going well? What is not going great? What changes can you make to improve your relationship? What have you done to strengthen your marriage today? What can you do today to make your marriage stronger, healthier and happier? Communicate with your spouse, and commit to make one change today to improve your marriage. You can do it! Every step in the right direction is important, no matter how small. With constant vigilance, your marriage can become (or stay) strong and healthy.
I know there are so many other demands and distractions in life. We have children, jobs, school, church, and many other obligations that demand our attention. But we can't lose focus on our marriage, and we can't let our marriage fall to the bottom of our priority list. Strengthening your marriage can be something as simple as taking 3 seconds to look into your spouse's eyes to say, "I love you." It can be as complex as planning a surprise weekend getaway. Or it can be anywhere in between. Take some time each day to connect with your spouse. Make time for conversation. Evaluate your heart and your feelings toward your spouse every day. If your heart is not in the right place, make a change. Your marriage can stay strong and healthy if you commit to constant vigilance.
Why not start today? Think about where your marriage is at right now. What is going well? What is not going great? What changes can you make to improve your relationship? What have you done to strengthen your marriage today? What can you do today to make your marriage stronger, healthier and happier? Communicate with your spouse, and commit to make one change today to improve your marriage. You can do it! Every step in the right direction is important, no matter how small. With constant vigilance, your marriage can become (or stay) strong and healthy.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Simple
I saw this on a plaque the other day, and I was struck with the impact of these six words:
Simple, beautiful, and true. I love it!
Choose Your Love.
Love Your Choice. Simple, beautiful, and true. I love it!
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Being Vulnerable
There is something really scary about opening yourself up to another person in total honesty, and letting them see and know the real you. We all have little secrets that we hide from others. For those of us who have been hurt and betrayed by someone we loved and trusted, this is especially true. We keep our most vulnerable selves hidden deep inside, and only let others see what we want them to see. In marriage, sometimes we hide the part of ourselves that we feel embarrassed about, or the part of ourselves that we are afraid no one else could understand or love. It is difficult to trust someone enough to let down your guard and share everything about yourself with someone else.
Some people say that it is good to have some secrets in your marriage, but I disagree. I believe it is best to be totally open and honest, even if that means being completely vulnerable to your spouse. Some people keep a secret from their spouse to "protect" them from reality. They don't want their spouse to know of a past misdeed, or a current habit that would upset their spouse. I truly believe that your marriage cannot be whole and completely fulfilling until you are honest with your spouse, and you let them see and know the real you. All of you.
Disclosing difficult truths to your spouse is not easy, and the initial results may be discouraging and frustrating. When you are opening up to your spouse about something that will be hard for them to hear, prepare them by expressing your love for them, telling them why you are going to open up to them, and then giving them time and space to accept what you have told them. When you make yourself vulnerable like this, sometimes your relationship will seem to get worse before it gets better as one person takes time to process and accept their new reality. But I believe your relationship will get better as you become totally honest with your spouse about who you are and how you feel. You will feel closer, and there is a sense of happiness and security when we know that our spouse truly knows, loves, and accepts us. Being vulnerable is scary, but it can be very rewarding. I encourage you to give it a try.
Some people say that it is good to have some secrets in your marriage, but I disagree. I believe it is best to be totally open and honest, even if that means being completely vulnerable to your spouse. Some people keep a secret from their spouse to "protect" them from reality. They don't want their spouse to know of a past misdeed, or a current habit that would upset their spouse. I truly believe that your marriage cannot be whole and completely fulfilling until you are honest with your spouse, and you let them see and know the real you. All of you.
Disclosing difficult truths to your spouse is not easy, and the initial results may be discouraging and frustrating. When you are opening up to your spouse about something that will be hard for them to hear, prepare them by expressing your love for them, telling them why you are going to open up to them, and then giving them time and space to accept what you have told them. When you make yourself vulnerable like this, sometimes your relationship will seem to get worse before it gets better as one person takes time to process and accept their new reality. But I believe your relationship will get better as you become totally honest with your spouse about who you are and how you feel. You will feel closer, and there is a sense of happiness and security when we know that our spouse truly knows, loves, and accepts us. Being vulnerable is scary, but it can be very rewarding. I encourage you to give it a try.
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